Hi, it's me, Ellie, the aging m2f.
Some of this may sound a little negative, sorry. I'm here to cheer you young girls on, and to encourage you to start early if you can, but for the rest of you grannies out there, late is better than never.
Where to start? Well, some time before I started school (any school) I had a thought, wishing I could be reborn female. By the time I was in elementary school, I was gravitating towards girls as playmates (the juvenile kind, not the Hugh kind). I did not even remotely enjoy playing at sports (baseball, football) with the boys, although I sensed that these were things I should undertake from time to time. I was in a school play when I was 10, and the costume included a pair of tights. Well... wasn't that a bit of heaven. I acquired other stuff, some of it purchased, some purloined... at age 11 I even had a training bra. But as luck would have it, it was the early 60's, I was living in a small industrial town, the "son" of a WWII vet so I had to hide my "perversion". I thought the whole time, "this is just a phase I'm going through". Little did I know that the phase would be coincident with my entire life.
My failure to understand what was up with me came with my deep appreciation for the female body. I was hot for girls. Back then there were no gays, there were queers and homos (and every other disparaging term you can think of). Well obviously, since I wanted so badly to get with a girl and the thought of sex with boys did nothing for me, I was pretty sure that I was not a homo. I will not be discussing my brushes with suicide, but well, you know...
I had periods where the girl inside me lay still, and other stretches of time when she wanted out, so every so often, in the privacy of some dark corner in he basement, I would let her out for a while. I had several girlfriends (yes, the snogging kind), none of them had a clue. I played on the JV and varsity football teams, oh gosh was I manly or what? I went hunting and fishing with dad. You know, the guy stuff.
While at university (I still didn't get it) I continued exploring my apparent heterosexuality, completely failing to understand that in fact, I am gay, well sort of... I'm a lesbian trapped inside a masculine body. At least that's the way it seems. Yes, the girl (unrecognized, she had no name in those days) still surfaced (with increasing frequency) in spite of the fact that I was hooking up pretty regularly. Terribly confusing. By the time I graduated, I would have to say that I was in denial. I knew about transsexuals, I somehow didn't get that I am one. I had a couple of affairs with men, that didn't work at all, except to confirm that I love women.
I continued to dress privately and to wax during my first marriage. That relationship sort of petered out and we went our separate ways. Foolishly, I later fell in love with another woman and remarried. Eventually, the girl inside demanded attention like never before. I spent five years working with a psychologist, and one day, Ellie came out to my wife. We are still married, but we have no physical contact any more. My wife said "I am not a lesbian. I married a man."
I am still confused. Started HRT last fall, not expecting any earth shaking feminization (I'm 60), but I have to say, the mental effects have been miraculous. I love the calm. Sadly, though, I feel I have committed myself to a life of solitude. My lover is physically repulsed by me. I can't even comfort her in her times of distress, and that is particularly alarming for me. I don't know where I'm going. I didn't ask for this. What a long, strange trip it's been...
So, this morning I was at Timmie's picking up a medium regular, I pulled a toonie out of my pocket and looked at it, and HRH said to me: "Keep Calm and Carry On" (and if you could follow the preceeding, you have been north of 54° 40')
Bless you all,
-ellie
