venting mostly but having a very hard time atm

[Jerri]

so i am so wrapped up in arranging medical help, coming out at at work, and trying to get past the next couple weeks with my clone hanging around during my shift ( boy mode ) with an anxiety level that is off the charts. and when i get home tonight my charming wife decides to go through twenty questions that she has already done the research on and knows the exact answers IE: what day did you change your name. when did you start therapy.. blah blah blah most of which i was not totally open to having engaged in conversation with her about as she has been only in shock and anger not yet to accepting or denial and i was not able to give specifics so i was only a liar. bottom line is i am sitting quivering with stress overload and at this point could not tell what i did today let alone last week and being drilled by a very homophobic person hell bent on making sure i am wrong for being alive. so I explained to that i am not at all comfortable have this discussion with her, she replied why should be happy and will not let up. i have isolated myself atm to my bedroom and plan to stay here as i research a new home to move into. i do not plan to act on the not living part again but am super lacking in support and can not reach anyone on support chain so thought i would cry out here

[KittyKat]

That really sucks. You'll fight through it and it sounds like you have a plan to help out. At the point you're at I probably would have taken some ambien and gone to lala land. Sleep is a great way to escape the suck, even if that's a "bad" coping skill . I really hate it when the wife decides she should get to nag you cause she's not happy and no one else should have a chance to be.

[Rachel]

Sorry you are having a hard time.

Sounds like you are living in a difficult situation.


Hugs.

[Jerri]

thank you
just trying very hard to get past the next few weeks, today has been extremely challenging

[Jerri]

i start full time feb 6th and it seems that is not in her desires

[Unni]

I'm sad to hear that, Jerri, I hope she comes around.
Hopefully we can provide you with a little bit of support

[Allyda]

I'm very sorry to hear your having to go through this. It's my hope she'll come around. We have things hard enough without such negativity being thrown at us. Hugs

[Jerri]

I feel that some of this is just part of the process, shock to anger to acceptance or were ever it ends up, it was just so over whelming to walk into such a reaction, and I was not able to process any of her intension or really even what she was asking as my dysphoria is in over load. will be an interesting afternoon at my therapist for sure, (gigles). trying to make this transition and maintain any form of a friendship with my spouse is all up hill any ways, I guess i just need to be better prepared for those days. with the exception of soaking my pillow with tears and not having a dry one to sleep with no real harm was done that i will not be able to move past.  I did isolate myself last night and am working today so the distance helps me regroup. anyways thanks to everyone here and little tidbits like this can help us be better prepared for those moments ahead that may seem a bit to steep to climb alone.
xo Jerri