Losing Yourself

[Mogu]

Has anyone encountered moments where they paused and felt that they were losing part of who they were?

The other day I looked at my painted nails and wondered why I had painted them. I don't find painted nails particularly attractive, or even nice to have. I wasn't sure why I had painted them in the first place. Then I thought about things I had been doing, small things. Painting my nails, reading magazines in waiting rooms, thinking so terribly about my hair, makeup and so on.

Which might be fine, save that I don't enjoy most of the stuff I took part in. I was conforming to stereotypes for some reason and felt like I wasn't being me.

Maybe it's just a part of transitioning.

[Jessica Merriman]

Transition can be confusing at times. I don't consider myself conforming to any certain stereotype, I just want to look the best I can. Of course I enjoy the time it takes to do female maintenance. It gives me time to think about anything bothering me and also gives me a break from dealing with others all the time. Concentrating on it tends to make me not dwell on problems to the point small one's become big one's. It is a relaxing thing for me.  Plus, if you get compliments it adds to your self esteem. There is nothing wrong if things like this are not your thing though.

[Windy]

Sometimes we conform to stereotypes to help reinforce our belief in ourselves.  Validation of our person is as much about what we think of ourselves as it is about what others think.

Although this sounds a little juxtaposed when transitioning, remember that we are in a middle land so to speak.
As Jessica said, self-esteem is very important at this time.

Later on as you develop our own new personality many of these stereotypical activities may be found unnecessary to be just you.
Woman don't always conform with all the stereotypical norms. I know many that don't regularly paint their nails. We are all unique.
There are some of us however, like me that needs all the paint we can find.   

[TinaMadisonWhite]

I know what you mean (I think).  For me, changing my voice often triggers feelings that I am losing something.  People loved my male voice.  With it, I could be engaging and persuasive.   I could use it to express deep feelings and to invite trust.  I've lost that - for now at least.  Who does that make me?

In such moments, I try shift from thinking about what I am losing towards thinking about what I am letting go of.  Letting go of something implies freedom.  You are now free to explore new experiences and feelings.  In your case, you can explore what nail polish means to you.  Is it something you do to meet social expectations and to fit in?  Do you experience it as a chance for self-expression?  Or maybe you find it a time for quiet self-reflection and self-acknowledgement (while you put it on)?

In my case, I am definitely letting go of one of my most powerful instruments.  But I also have an opportunity to develop a whole new emotional vocabulary and to access relationships in new ways.

In any event, the wonderful thing about letting go of something (as opposed to losing it), is that you can usually reclaim it if you find that it isn't something you want to let go of.   And you will hold on to it with a deeper appreciation of why it is important to you.

Jump in the river and explore the currents!

[Jessica Merriman]

I for one didn't lose anything, I gained everything! I went from a cranky robotic moron with no friends or even social connections, to a vibrant life loving girl who people like having around. I broke out of the chrysalis to become a butterfly, never to be cocooned again. I miss nothing of the past at all, period. I love the new me, well, the old me who was imprisoned by societal "Norms" and attitudes. I feel free now for the first time in my life. All the energy used to act male now goes to productive means. 

[Emmaline]

Do not consider it loss, but instead experimentation.   You try nails, you try magazines... not for you, you grow to understand more of yourself and move on.  Transition is second puberty.  A time of awkwardness,  mistakes and ultimately growth and learning.

Eventually you settle down into a truer form of you.

[Edge]

I agree with Emmaline. You experiment, you figure out what you like and don't like, and move on. Also, people change and grow over time anyway. It doesn't make them lost. It just makes them people.

[ErinM]

Not so much a loss, but a disconnect with my old life.

It has been slowly growing, but I haven't been too aware of it. One jarring moment was in December I was in hospital and looking through older records in my chart. Seeing my old name, I felt as though I was looking at someone else's records.

I had the same feeling when an IT recruiter called me a few weeks before looking for me by my old name. I wasn't really looking to get a job through them, so I didn't bother correcting her. It felt like I was talking about someone else.

I don't see this as a bad thing. It's just a little surreal sometimes.

[Missadventure]

Has anyone encountered moments where they paused and felt that they were losing part of who they were?

I wouldn't say I've felt like I was losing a part of me. But, I've definitely had moments where I've felt a weird duality followed by a weird "disconnection".

I did a lot of reflecting upon that feeling, and I realized that it's because, as much as being a boy frustrated me and caused me unhappiness, it was also comfortable (because, sadly, people can become comfortable with their discomfort). And, now that I'm transitioning I'm venturing out of my comfort zone. It's a change, and a big one, with many overwhelming moments. And, in the more overwhelming moments I feel disconnected from the comfort I used to feel and have pangs of wanting to return to it. And, it also stems from the fact that right now I'm very much living a dual existence. I find that during the longer periods I spend as a woman, I settle nicely into a comfort with that which I haven't experienced ever as a guy and REALLY don't want to go back to being a guy. But, this back and fourth nonsense I have to endure for now unsettles that.