Alright, so this is likely to be long winded. Apologies! If you read it all, thanks for baring with me this far!
My "story" if you will, doesn't really start until I was about 14 years old. I don't remember much of my childhood, to be able to say how I felt. I do remember my favourite toys were boys toys, I preferred playing with the boys and not the girls, and I had an obsession with boys cartoons. I would dress in leggings or jeans, but my outfits were still "girly". Of course, at that age, my parents bought me most of what I needed.
Skip to 14, and I started creating an alternate personality to bring out my male side. His name is Nicky. My friends all knew of him. He used a different accent to me so we could differentiate. For 3 years he stayed hidden from my parents, during which time he had a relationship with one of my female friends from school. At 17, we came out as Trans. I told my parents that I was more comfortable as Nicky than I was as myself. They accepted it, which is more than can be said for other members of our family. I got an appointment with a gender psychologist and started the process. When I spoke to the gender psychologist, I told her about Nicky because I was worried I might be crazy, or have another underlying issue. She assured me it was just a coping mechanism, and that it wasn't uncommon amongst Trans people.
I changed my name to Nickolas, and was two months away from my first appointment for T (I was 18) when everything stopped. Nicky's girlfriend at the time (the same one from before) started to worry about my safety. We'd recently watched that movie "Boys Don't Cry", and suddenly we both started to panic. What if I wasn't accepted? What if people tried to hurt me? This was 2002, over ten years ago, and things were so much different to how they are now. So, I cancelled my appointment, and I didn't go back again at that point in my life. Not long after, I changed my name back to my birth name.
The girlfriend and I (or technically Nicky) went our separate ways in a rather explosive way, and I sank heavily into a relationship with a man. I started to be more girly, and attempt to wear skirts and all things slinky to make myself feel sexy. I got into the Goth scene, and I reveled in the attention I got when I was dressed as a pretty girl. I started a new job, and I decided that it was out with the old, and I walked into that job not telling anyone anything of my past, and just being the girl I was born to be. I was heavily depressed, but I could never quite figure out why. I just went along.
I sabotaged my first relationship with a man, and the second ended when he cheated on and left me. I then met a new man who refused to acknowledge a relationship due to his own mental issues, but became my best friend. We had sex, and he loved buying me shoes and dresses and pretty things to dress in. By this point I'd gone insanely backward, with makeup on before going out, heels that made me 6ft 4, and false nails. The whole enchilada. I told myself I was happy, and thanks to memory loss from my depression, I can't quite work out if I was or not. What I DO know is that a large part of who I became was what he wanted me to be, not what I wanted myself to be.
Nicky, and Tim who was another personality to appear around the same time, but who's story is largely irrelevant at this point, was hidden away from view. I had told my first male partner about him, and he'd actually accepted us both. The second male partner grew jealous and asked that he wasn't around, and I didn't tell the third at all - I just tried to be girly and hide my "horrible secret".
Fast forward to two years ago. I was back to being deeply depressed again, and I didn't know where to turn. I couldn't talk to anyone about Nicky and Tim because no one knew or understood. I'd made it that way. I was starting to rant at my Mother (who I told everything to, with exceptions) that I was sick of all the pretty clothes and shoes. I was spending days that he wasn't around in my pyjamas and just hiding from the world. I was starting to get pretty miserable.
Through a random message on Facebook, I got in touch with my old girlfriend, and we met up. Within only a day or two, Nicky was back and chatting to her again. Shortly afterward, Tim reappeared. I was still the same girly self around her 50% of the time, but it was starting to feel false and wrong. I had no qualms about being a lesbian. I didn't care if that's what people thought. I read about people thinking that FtM is the lesser of two evils because they don't want to be seen as a lesbian. That wasn't me. I didn't care about that. I'd always told anyone who asked that I was bi-sexual, and chose a person for personality, not gender.
My best friend/boyfriend moved away - 300 miles away. I fell heavily into spending time with the ex-girlfriend again. She was in the same position as me, she had what we term as "an Other", and was contemplating gender reassignment, as she'd found more happiness in being male. She was married at the time though, and felt depressed that her whole life may just be a lie. I could finally open up about everything, and she would understand. As seems to happen when I have any traumatic experience, another Other appeared - Harper. The female clothes got shelved and Harper got a whole new wardrobe courtesy of the ex who wanted to try to help me find myself.
So, to talk about me now... and I know questions might follow, as I've tried to be as short as possible in my explanation... I hardly wear anything girly any more. In fact the idea makes me feel ill. I can't be bothered with makeup and doing my hair, and I usually end up just taking it off if I even try. My old jewellery and clothes have been put away, and they don't come out. When I shop, I shop for guys clothes. If I'm out, and I'm bound, I don't mind if people call me "Sir" or "he" - in fact, I kind of like it.
I am back to attending the appointments, and have my next one this month. The last doctor I saw (a different one, who I won't go back to, as we disagreed on a lot) told me I needed to assimilate my "Others" - but did confirm they are not the bi-product of schizophrenia or DID. She thinks they are harmless, but that I need to get rid of them to learn who I am inside. That scared me, because they are my coping mechanism when things fall apart, and both myself and my ex are used to them being around. (Her marriage deteriorated, and we now share a house).
Harper is almost completely gone, more like a character in a role play scenario than a personality. Nicky has almost completely disappeared, with the aspects of his personality almost gone. The only one left is Tim. Before, it used to be that I, using my birth name, was the female of the "group", but that's since changed. I now go by "Nate" and wanted to change my name to Nathan. I don't remember the last time that I wore anything girly, or had the inclination to beautify in any way like girls would. I lean towards male oriented outfits, beauty products, jewellery and so on.
So... now I've given you all of that, to ask you this...
I get doubts still. Not only niggling little feelings that I feel the way I feel because of Tim (although writing this right now, I disagree that that's a factor - however with my depression those thoughts can change and evolve), but also because I still have a lot of girly habits I can't change. I still get giggly and stupid around certain guys, and want to flirt. I still lean towards pink sparklies, and want things because they are shiny and pretty. I like looking at girls clothes, and often feel pangs of jealousy that I am not like they are. I am neither thin, that pretty, or have the desire to be fashion conscious or a make-up expert, but when I see a nicely dressed up pretty girl, I still feel a little nip at the back of my mind that I can't do more with what I was born with.
I often wonder if I will regret transitioning, and the idea that I can't - even though I don't want to - prettify myself as a girl anymore once I transition tends to upset me. I worry I'll regret it, but I DON'T know if that's really because of who I am, or because of social conditioning.
Obviously a lot of people won't identify with the situation I have with the Others, a surprising number of people do, but I am sure that there are other things that you can help with.
Does missing who I was when I was girly mean that being Trans and going through the motions isn't for me? Am I missing some fundamental piece of the puzzle that would snap everything into place and make sense to me? I find I get annoyed sometimes now when I leave the house and get called female, when I am trying to dress and act male. Yet, that little niggle still appears now and again to remind me of what I had when I was girly, and ask myself if I want to give that up.
I've come to the conclusion I am NOT happy as I am, and that I can't be any less happy if I did transition... but I know that's not the answer I need to have to do this. I need to know what will make me happy, but with so many doubts creeping in now and again, I don't know what that is. I get upset and cry a lot, my emotions are all over the place. I can't figure out what I want out of life. I've never wanted children, and never wanted to give birth, so that's not an issue - but the rest...
I hope some of this has made sense, I feel like I've just rambled a lot of incoherently babble. I know there's no rush to transitioning, but when the doubts aren't creeping in, I am not only desperate to go ahead, but miserable that I have to wait so long as I have a LOT of weight to lose first.
Any advice or whatever would be appreciated
