Sounds so much like a typical month for me Carrie. For the past 3 years. I've had my good share and then some of the WTF am I doing?
meltdowns. My life isn't all that bad. I got by before, I can do it again. I managed for a good 30 years to get by, all I need is few more. Etc. etc. etc.. Yet in the end when you ask yourself the hard questions, I keep coming up with the one answer I cannot refute
I
Know what doesn't work.
And that is all the above. The diversions, distractions, denial that enabled me to "Get by"...at a great cost. My soul, my spirit, my happiness. Avoiding the really dealing with my trans nature came at a great cost. It cost me and the others around as I slowly died inside and became a person I never want to be again.
I put in a lot of work these past 5 years to make myself better, to be one whole happy person and not this caricature of a man I made myself into while constantly trying to bury this other major aspect of me. Thanks to that work I lost most to all of the shame about being trans. I lost much of the guilt too, except when it comes to how this affects my wife.
She didn't sign up for this (neither did I but life happens). Just as I didn't sign up "sign up" for having to deal with her physical disability she now has, I was aware of the reality it may happen. My wife also knew of my history, that I was at least a CD, experimented with transitioning, been on/off HRT a few times. I had hoped for the best outcome for her future, just as she (and I) hoped I was simply a CDer, perhaps a tad more.
I worry more about is transitioning right for me and not over do I have a right to. Of the many great benefits these past years of struggling have brought, is a renewed self worth. I now believe to a large extent how blessed my life has been. That I deserve the things I worked hard for. That I am not a fraud, a faker that deserves only bad things. I also saw a life long dream come true. I can be seen as and accepted as a woman.
Yet, is it right for me? Every decision in life comes at a cost. The potential cost of transitioning is high. I can loose the respect of my coworkers. Even my job which can lead to financial ruin. My wife, as supportive as she is and my #1 ally, cannot make any commitment to stand by me. Which is fair. Afterall, I did kick over the table on us as it is. Without either of these my life sure would not be happier. So, is transition worth the risk? Is it right for me?
If I felt my therapist was pushing an agenda, I'd be out of there. Only I can make a decision I can be comfortable and confident about. I see the therapists role as there for reality checks and to challenge me. To get me to think or see things in ways I might have missed, or dismissed. All while looking out for my best interest. Part of that is my happiness.
Do I have a right to be happy? You bet! Am I happy now? Far better then I have been in decades. Is my life working? Is my relationship with my wife better and stronger than it ever has been in the well over 30 years we've been together? Yes and yes.
Do I have an abysmal record for predicting the future? For sure. Trying to define the future is really what was behind those WTF am I doing? meltdowns. It bothers me a lot that I cannot say "I have a goal". If I think harder about it though, I do. The same goal I set out to accomplish 5 years ago. That is to be happy. I also to a large extent have brought the two divergent aspects of myself together to make one whole happier and far healthier person.
I also fall of the wagon so to speak. Go back to my binge eating and too much booze at times. I haven't become an ascended master yet. I do know the whys and hows behind it which I can beat myself up over since it not only hurts me but also my wife. Totally opposite the "hurting them" behavior effects on her.
Remember that being TG means you are not living in a black & white world. There is an entire spectrum of colors between the two extremes. Remember that there is not one way to address being trans, more than one way to be happier. You have been taking the right steps so far. Like me you don't want to revert back to that person you were. Like me there are a ton of negative feelings and logic that needs to be unlearned or re-educated. I spent over 50 years training myself to see things in a certain way. As much as I hate it, the negative thoughts and feelings cannot be undone overnight. But they can and do faster and faster as your eyes re-open wider and wider.
You know what didn't work before. Odds are good it is not going to now
