Uncle B is going to Aunt B - how to explain to a child

[stripey]

Last week my brother came out to me, another brother, and our parents.  He explained that he plans to to transition to female over the next few weeks.  I was completely shocked, but I also completely support him in this.  I hope that it brings him a level of happiness that he has been unable to achieve so far. 
That being said, I have 2 small children, 4 and 7, and he left it to me how I want to explain it.  I hadn't really even had a chance to bring up the subject with them when the youngest said she once saw a boy with long hair and a high voice and a door opened to a natural dialog.  I asked if they thought it was okay for a person to change how they look on the outside if it doesn't match how they feel on the inside and she said she said yes "What if it makes them cry?" but my son said "You are who you are. You shouldn't change it." He didn't say it in a hateful way, but I wasn't really expecting that reaction from him, so I didn't say anything about my brother at that point.  I'm kind of hoping that thinking about it a little more will change him mind, and I certainly don't want to sort of blackmail him by saying "well your uncle is going to change, so is it ok now?"
So... can anyone point to some good books or things of that sort that I could show him to explain in a way that maybe I'm not?
Thanks in advance.

[muffinpants]

First of all, welcome

Now I'm assuming you know your children well enough to understand his meaning, but is there any possible way that he could have meant that you are who you are on the inside, and you shouldn't fight who you are on the inside? If not, maybe you could just point out that people change all the time. From haircuts to ageing. Change is a natural part of life and should be embraced rather than feared. I'm sure it's easier said then done, but I wish you well in explaining this to your children. Honestly, I think they will accept it more quickly than most adults will.

And congrats on the new sister

[JustEmily]

Well, there is a book for children called "my little princess boy."  It's about kids and tastefully done; it may help to open discussion.

[Chaos]

Sadly this is where most bigotray and ignorance starts.it sounds like to me that this child has had such softly ingraved into their mind and because of that,I believe reinforcement is needed asap.1) stop trying to explain to them anything.tell them about human beings and their right to persue happiness.2) do not ignore it and hope it will go away because it will not.be firm and encourage love of all man kind and discourage,punish any form of bigotray and hatred.3) find out where the child is having this mind set ingraved and cut it off.there is no other way,when it comes to this.of course we all want it to be as easy as reading a book or watching a movie but its from the mind and only it,can cloud the heart.


You come seeking help for this situation,so I'm sure you know what needs to be done.but if you love any child then you will guide them down the right path.if your unsure how to proceed like this then you need to teach yourself to be firm.always correct them,never one allowing their current mind set to sink in to deep,always remind them 'what if it was you?' Never let them forget how much it hurts to not be loved when all you want is to be happy.that TRUE LOVE is about putting others before yourself.it isn't about remaining how you were born but remaining who you are and if you love anyone,then this is what you will want for them.

[LordKAT]

Hi stripey and welcome to Susan's. There is a lot of information here so feel free to jump in and read any that seem of interest to you. I'm glad you found us. Supporting your new sister is a good thing and will help ease her journey. It takes years not weeks and that time will likely give your child time to come to terms with it. Telling them the facts that it is happening is a good idea even though I don't know of any books. PFLAG may have some information packets that can help.

[Chaos]

Since I'm on a phone,I can't edit my post but I wanted to add these very important points about a child that people tend to ignore.

A child only knows unconditional love.this is why God said 'suffer not the little children to come unto me,for such is the kingdom of God' what he means is,a child knows no hate,see's no wrong,does not look at appearence but loves unconditionally and why God tells us to do so as well.that being said,ANY child who starts to show mental clearity of an adult 'aka non loving unconditionally' then they have 'learned' it from another.a childs mind is easy to shape and easy to mold.many foul people depend on their kids in order to keep the ignorance alive.it can be learned from social media like certain tv shows,parents and grand parents,books or other 'not' so accepting sources.we can't keep our kids from the outside world but we can reinforce the right mind set and show,not only our kids that we want the best for them but also promise that a new generation of unconditional love-is born.

[stripey]

Thanks everyone.  I reread my original post and I can tell I was a bit emotional    I did mean the change was going to be over the coming months, not weeks.  I'm still hoping to get some ideas for books and other material, but I've been thinking about the responses from Chaos all morning, and decided I really need to respond to them.
First, I think punishing my son or getting angry with him for having an opinion is a terrible idea. I have worked very hard to make it clear to both of my children that our family is a safe space for them to ask questions and voice opinions.  If I want to keep an open line of communication with him as he enters his tween and teen years getting angry when he expresses an opinion, not a hateful response but an opinion, will not support that.
Second, I really have no idea how he formed his opinion.  It certainly wasn't from any family member or family friend that I can think of or I would speak to them about it.  That means that it came from outside our family.  And it is impossible to remove every close-minded opinion from his life.  He will, unfortunately, be presented with them forever.  When he introduces his aunt and her wife or his other aunt and her wife or when someone who knew he had 2 uncles and 1 aunt asks how he now has 2 aunts and 1 uncle or when people ask him why he is so little for his age or why he does gymnastics or a myriad of other situations.  Because of the environment I have created in my home, he comes to me when these things happen and I help him understand that some people are just mean for no good reason other than they don't understand and together we come up with a way to respond to these people. I think this reason is why his reaction upset me so much.
Third: I am 35 years old.  I grew up in a very sheltered environment.  Very.  If there were any LGBTQ individuals at my school either no one knew about them or they were ridiculed.  And while I never did the ridiculing I also didn't stick up for them.  They weren't my friends, so I didn't know them personally, and frankly I didn't understand it.  No one planted that in my head; my childhood home did not support an anti-LBGTQ opinion, and yet.  As I grew older, no one explained to me why it was ok, why it should be tolerated, how it was normal, etc.  I just sort of figured it out.  I came to it on my own.  My son is very much like me.  He comes to conclusions on his own.  And I need information for him that can help him reshape that conclusion. 
Finally, I would like to again point out that his opinion was not hateful.  He merely said "people should stay who they are and not change".  My job as his mom is to explain that we all change ourselves in a hundred ways to be who we want to be; it's just that some people have to change a lot more than others. The struggle I'm having is explaining it in a way that clicks for him.

[Jerri]

hi there,
there is also a movie out called " No Dumb Questions" it is story about how a transitioning uncle impacted her young nieces and has some narrative from the kid's perspective. it is worth checking out

http://www.nodumbquestions.com/

Jerri

[Jamie D]

Stripey, I understand your confusion and worry about how your brother's transition might affect your family (immediate and extended).

I would recommend a book called Transgender 101: A Simple Guide to Complex Issues by Nicholas Teich.  It is available in paperback for under $20.

[TessaMarie]

Stripey, I understand your confusion and worry about how your brother's transition might affect your family (immediate and extended).

I would recommend a book called Transgender 101: A Simple Guide to Complex Issues by Nicholas Teich.  It is available in paperback for under $20.

I second Jamie's suggestion, Transgender 101 is available at Amazon.  I really learnt a lot from it.

[Missadventure]

Although not technically family, a very very close friend of mine has three children, ages 2, 4, and 8. The two year old has been more or less oblivious to my transition. I think he actually thinks I'm two separate people, because he always uses the correct name for whatever role I happen to be presenting as at that time - something NO ONE else has yet to do.

With the other two, her parents and I have found each requires a very different approach. With the 4 year old we've discovered the best approach is to leave it dangling as the elephant in the room until she mentions it, and then we patiently answer her questions. And she does ask very pointed questions. But they're so random and completely out of the blue it makes her seem extra cute and hilarious. For example, one night I had been reading a story to her for about an hour, and she hadn't mentioned my transition at all that night, so we all thought she had finally understood what was happening, but, she abruptly turned to me and said "You look like you have boobies. Why do you have boobies?" But, pointed questions aside, which sometimes need to be patiently answered more than once, she seems to pretty much be rolling with the transition. I guess really she doesn't think it effects her at all, so she doesn't really care, but, she is still curious.

The 8 year old, however. She's having the hardest time with it. She doesn't understand it, at all, and as shes old enough to have a grasp of binary gender it kind of totally effects her worldview that I'm blurring those black and whites into a grey. And we've sat her down and explained it to her multiple times. And, she tries to be polite and accepting. But, it's very very clear she simply does not understand why I'm transitioning and only understands that it's happening. So, I dunno. The only thing that can be done is show her patience. She'll either come to understand, or she wont. She is, afterall, only 8. And the concept of fluidity of gender is a very difficult concept to grasp when you've only barely begun to grasp the concept of gender period. Honestly, what I feel would be the biggest help for her would be if I could explain to her WHY I'm transitioning. But, I can barely explain it to adults in a way that remotely makes any sense. I have no idea how to explain it in terms an 8 year old can understand.