Doubt is Hitting Me Again.......

[Sarah Rose]

Well.... I don't know what the heck to do with myself anymore.

I'm having doubts again, granted this is the most I've ever done about these feelings.. I've come out to nearly everyone I know, I dress around the house as I see fit (and at friends houses)..
I've started working on my voice much more than I used to.

Today I was happier than I can ever recall myself being... and without much reason in sight..
Perhaps I've accepted who I am? I really don't know. I'm actually considering non-transitioning at this point.

My biggest fear though is that this is just coming from all the issues I've had with my family, I just... I just don't know anymore. The last thing I want to do is hold off on this (again) and ten years down the road realize what a big mistake I made...

I'm just back in a state of utter confusion over what is right for me... I was so sure about transitioning that I was trying to get an appointment with the only endo in the area (one that only needs your consent at that).. Now.. I just don't know.

Like I said I just feel happy with myself for once, and I'm beginning to wonder if I don't need to transition to be happy.
Just people knowing about it means I can dress differently than I used to... little things like that make me happy, I don't know..
I realize most of the replies I'll get are going to be along the lines of... only I'll know.. but... .. well I just need to post it somewhere.

[Jamie D]

How did you feel before you started this time?

[Sarah Rose]

How did you feel before you started this time?

I was suicidal... and hadn't come out to anyone about it yet.

EDIT

That being said.. I'm not telling my family about my current doubts.... if I do start HRT telling them about this will just make that harder.

[Rachel]

Hugs,

Perhaps making the appointment and getting the scripts then see how you feel.

I thought I would take the pills at the pharmacy when I got the scripts filled. When I had the pills I paused, went home and stared at the bottles; then I took the pills. I thought I can stop at any time and that was 8 months ago, time flies when you are ........ starting to live.

I have been feeling very good in the past week but I would not stop HRT. I know I need HRT.

When you know take the pills.

[Jamie D]

So why the doubts, Sarah?  Suicidal means you were having difficulty with your maleness.  Why would you want to go back to that?

As in Cynthia's post - onward!

[Sarah Rose]

So why the doubts, Sarah?  Suicidal means you were having difficulty with your maleness.  Why would you want to go back to that?

As in Cynthia's post - onward!

I don't want to go back to that.... I don't know...

My guess is that it's one of two things..

a) I'm just happy with who I am... or more so, I feel better not having to life my life with a secret
b) I'm afraid of what will happen with my family......

It very well could be (b), I just don't know. I don't have any certainty anymore..
I know that my family telling me I'm selfish, crying telling me they won't see 'me' anymore, telling me that "my son is dead".. has been really hard on me.
The thing is through that I've been certain of what I wanted and idk... just now... for some reason I just don't have that certainty.

[MadeleineG]

[Jamie D]

You were socialized male.  You were perceived as male.  But were you ever male? 

Depending on the answer, possibly you are some form of TG, but not MtF TS.  Nothing wrong with that - it is basically where I am.

It seems, from your posts, that you are comfortable with your femininity, even if that means work to achieve the female presentation you want.  Correct?

We all have "WTF am I doing?" moments.  But it comes down to how you are most comfortable and how you find peace of mind.

[Sarah Rose]

It seems, from your posts, that you are comfortable with your femininity, even if that means work to achieve the female presentation you want.  Correct?

Yes, I would say so

[Jamie D]

Sorry, I had to step away and make dinner.

If you are comfortable with your femininity, and uncomfortable with your masculinity and male presentation, then it seems you must have some degree of gender dysphoria.  I think is boils down to what presentation you can live with.

[Sarah Rose]

I think I'm finding my happy medium.

I'm still open to the idea of HRT and I'll keep that idea in my head, if I do go down that road I don't want to over-wait.
That being said I just feel much more comfortable being 'me'.....

I dyed my hair black the other day.... thought it looked a bit feminine.. I really like it and the idea of HRT did pop into my head again.
Who knows, I might not transition... This might be my happy medium.

I'm going to keep growing out my hair, keep shaving, etc...
People who have a problem with that can f*** off, it's my life... Though the most I've seen from random people are a few odd looks, nobody has been stupid enough to open their mouth and say something about the way I look.

lol.. I actually think I upset a cashier one night... I had the same purple nail polish on that she did... She just looked and walked away in a huff :p
Whatever.. All I know is I'm happier than ever, maybe I just needed to be honesty with myself and get my thoughts out there so I wasn't hiding.. idk.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

The reason we start transition is to find that happiness we never had , so if you think that this is how you ll be happy then well done cause transition takes much longer time and costs a lot , so yeah 

And its true , people arent that stupid to come question how you look , its your life you decide that.

So good luck with what you decide 
hrt or not what matters is that you re happy,
I could never ever be happy with the body I have , thats why I decided to go for hrt...

[JoanneB]

I've been on that Doubt Rollercoaster as well as it's big brother version the WTF are you Doing??? ride for years. Only this past 6 months or so has it calmed down to simply doubts. A fatter way to describe it is Things are sort of working. I am Happy.

My TG support group members have tried to tell me for years not to obsess over the what next? What do I do now? questions. If you are happy and better off than before, then don't feel like you need to do more. Afterall, isn't doing what others expected of you how you got here in the first place?

Also just before any major step, even minor ones, I'd start freaking out. What always calmed me down is thinking again about it and recalling all the reasons why I knew I needed to take that step, for me, for me to feel more genuine, realer.

Apparently, your family already knows about starting HRT, so dealing with that fallout is basically over.  Actually taking that step of telling them was scarey. The reality of doing more so. Yet it suspect wanting it was really a need

[Sarah Rose]

I really just don't know.....

I suppose I'll just find out when I'm ready..... or something like that.
Yesterday.... I was horribly depressed and unhappy with myself.
Today.... I'm fully dressed, with some natural cleavage to boot and couldn't be happier.

I suppose I'm answering my own doubts in the process really, Perhaps what my family said was sinking in?
They keep telling... er well my Mother at least keeps telling me how I'm throwing my life/dreams away, that my career will be harder... nay impossible after transition.. yadda, yadda.

[MadeleineG]

Sarah, I really think that talking to a good, impartial therapist would help you clarify your thoughts and priorities.

When you hear feedback from us, you'll filter it through the belief that we're pushing you forward and when you hear feedback from your parents, you'll filter it through the belief that they're holding you back.

Bottom line: don't let anyone influence your decision but you. 

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Those things your mom tells you and that any cis will the a trans person are usually not true...

What I did to find out who I am was asking myself how I see me in ten years , I just couldnt see myself as a guy , a father etc...
so how do you see yourself in the future?

and its as gwynne said , forget what you hear from us and from others , just clear your mind and think about what you truly want.

[nether]

If you can be happy in the body you are in, stay that way. If it is a matter of self discovery and you don't want it, that's ok! No one can make it for you, but if you felt happy and liberated after moving forward, why stop? If you do and you start getting depressed again, I'd kick it into high gear pretty quickly!

[Sarah Rose]

When you hear feedback from us, you'll filter it through the belief that we're pushing you forward and when you hear feedback from your parents, you'll filter it through the belief that they're holding you back.
Bottom line: don't let anyone influence your decision but you. 

Thanks Gwynne,
I think this is by far the best advice I've heard.

It makes sense, and I have been told by my parents that I get to offensive, I personally don't think so but then again I know for a fact that everything I hear from them sounds like they are holding me back, even though they claim they are supportive. Probably because I know they don't want me to change... So no matter what they say I'll I hear is 'don't do it'.
Likewise everyone here is encouraging (which I greatly appreciate).

Anyway like you said 'bottom line', I need to prevent influence on my decisions.
I'll check my insurance and look for some help

[MadeleineG]

Anyway like you said 'bottom line', I need to prevent influence on my decisions.
I'll check my insurance and look for some help

I'm thrilled to hear it.