For the last couple of weeks, I've not entirely been feeling myself, or at least the way I'd gotten used to feeling. A libido has come out of nowhere, and my dreams are getting more vivid and intense, and I'm feeling more emotion than ever.
Today hasn't been great. I've isolated myself off from most of the world. All because I don't understand what's happening, and I find it very scary.
HRT had been magical in destroying my libido for a very long time ( and I wanted it destroyed ). And while it had been more difficult to get to sleep, I chalked that up to the stresses of transition. Dreams were no more vivid than usual, though did occasionally play upon fears and concerns relating to transition. But that seemed normal to me and my therapist.
Starting with the dreams, for the last two weeks they've been very intense, and last night was the most intense yet. I'm pretty sure I was screaming in my sleep last night in one dream about one of my sisters refusing to use my new name or respect my wishes. In reality, she's doing something along those lines, so it's somewhat based on real issues. Other dreams last night were just the usual random ones, but still so very vivid that I've no doubt that I was vocal and not still in my sleep.
Also in the last two weeks, I've been having vivid intimate dreams, and waking with erections. Again, I've not had those for such a long time. And I do not want such dreams or physical responses. They're a big psychological cause of angst for me... I don't want these dreams, and I want the thing below dead and lifeless. I hate it and can't bare it doing anything. I've not touched it in so long, and the "boys" have major atrophy.
With those intimate dreams, a libido has also come out of nowhere. It's not as intense as the former one from my old life, and I ignore it most of the time. Again, this is something I don't want yet. Because there's nothing I feel able to do about it. Until SRS I won't date, and will avoid all intimacy because I'm not comfortable with myself being pre-op. One minor blessing though, it confirms my orientation.
On top of this, I've been feeling more than ever. It's like emotions are being magnified. And right now that's leading to anxiety because of the above
.
I originally thought that a hormone imbalance was the cause of this. I had associated libido with T as libido previously only spiked when T did. But a blood test showed that my hormones are perfect. The best yet actually... with T at 0.6 and a healthy E count.
I don't know what to do. Transition is hard enough without more basic urges, and without disturbed sleep or worry on the mind. And it's starting to cause me issues & further stress.
Has something like this happened to any other girls?
