want to go on t, but scared of change?

[CopperCumin]

Hey. So, for the record, I partially identify as genderqueer, though mostly as ftm.

Like the title says, I'm planning on starting t soon, but I'm scared.

Here's the thing. When I look at the changes as isolated things, I want t. There was a post recently in this thread about body fat changes from T. In it, there's a photo of the op's body pre T and 2.5 years on T. Looking at those pictures, I can easily say which body I would choose. The male one.  At the same time, whenever someone has ever asked me that "if you could wake up tomorrow in a male body, forever, would you?", I've never been able to answer.

I worry a lot about whether I would ACTUALLY like the changes on T, or I just think I would. The ones I am certain about, I am certain about because they already happened, to some extent. I know I'd rather have body hair because I've shaved my body hair off, and I felt wrong until it grew back. I know I'd like facial hair because I shave, and at one point I forgot to for a month, so when I saw my lip hair in the mirror I thought I was getting facial hair and got VERY excited. So excited I had to go do wind sprints to calm down. I know I'd like having a more masculine body fat distribution because I remember how my body cwasx before puberty, and anything would be better than hips. Hell, I've been happy about the zit on my chin, because it makes my face seem like a pubescent boy's face to me. I want my body odor to stop smelling female.

But I've never had a different voice than the one I have now, or a different face. Sometimes, I drink milk before sleeping to see if my voice will sound deeper in the morning, to see what it's like. And I've spent a lot of time thinking about how my face would look on testosterone. Sometimes, it's all I can think about.

I'm not new to the trans thing. I started seriously questioning my gender about 4 years ago, and decided I wasn't. At the time, I was perfectly happy doing the youthful androgyny thing, and looking like a boy. But the whole reason this came back was because I met a guy in college who looked like a mirror image of me, if I had been born male. Me, but 3 inches taller, and bigger hands, and broader shoulders, and hairier arms, and a reedy timbre in his voice. And I hated him, the way an infertile woman might hate her pregnant friends.

I worry a lot about whether I ACTUALLY want this, or I just think I do. I know that's a useless thing to worry about, because you can go on forever questioning whether your emotions and desires are real, but there it is. Even though I know I want more facial hair, I worry about getting facial hair and hating it. Right now, I can't see myself ever missing my hips, but how do I know I won't change my mind 4 years from now?

Most of the time, I've found that when I'm this anxious about something, it means I should do it, because I always get scared of change. But T is different. If I decide to deal with obsessively worrying over a haircut by getting a haircut, it can grow back. If i ask people to use different pronouns, because I can't stop thinking about pronouns, i can always take it back later. If I decide to go on T, and I'm wrong, I have to live with it forever.

I've heard people say they had a moment when they just knew. I feel like I've already had those moments, and then went back to doubting a few days later.

I can't tell whether my doubts are just fear of change, or actual reasons not to transition.

[aleon515]

You maybe are a bit like me. If you see I identify as non-binary a bit. I mean to say that I want to look and be perceived as male, but am a nonbinary inside. However, unlike me you haven't decided whether you want to look and be perceived as male.
You could go on the compounded cream (you can also do injections but it might be just a little harder), and you go on a low dose. I can't say what a low dose is here for one thing I am not allowed to and another it's kind of hard to say what dose that would be. But your changes are not going to be overnight anyway. I don't mean to say you shouldn't be pretty much okay with the changes ahead of time, but if you are an anxious person to know that there is a bit of an out might help you get a little braver. You might want to read this blog: http://neutrois.me/   They have a recent blog post on low dose T (and some other posts as well).

--Jay

[CursedFireDean]

I don't have amazing advice, but I wanted to say that I feel the same. I am somewhat genderfluid, but definitely more male than female. Sometimes I really question whether it's worth all the social trouble it will take to be male, and some days I know for sure that it's what I want. I know what you mean about having moments, but doubting a few days later. What I try to do is think back to those moments. I may question something now, but when I remember how happy I was this summer when I was living as Dean for the first time, I know that transitioning so I can be perceived as male is right for me. Sometimes this eases my worry, and sometimes it only helps a tiny bit.
I also, being slightly genderfluid (it's a little complicated, but basically I'm more male on some days than others. I'm never female, but I'm varying levels of male) have days where I don't feel the need to transition. However, I know that the large majority of the time, I DO feel the need to transition, and I ALWAYS get upset when I don't pass. For me, transitioning is going to be much more about being perceived as male than it is for me to perfectly match who I should be.

Another thing to remember is that changes are slow, and if you start to get uncomfortable with how quickly changes are coming, lowering your dose or even stopping T is an option. I've heard of many genderqueer people going on T for a certain amount of time but stopping/going to a very low dose when they are happy with their changes and don't want more. If I remember correctly, uppercasechase on youtube went on T and got anxious over quick changes. He ended up going on T, going off for a bit when he got anxious about certain changes, and then going back on it when he was more comfortable and had his anxiety better under control.

[CopperCumin]

Thanks. I guess part of me has this idea in my head that if I go on T, everything will change overnight. I've been having dreams of getting my first shot and waking up with a full beard.

I've considered doing low dose, and when I'm not freaking out that's my battle plan ( I've also already poured over the neutrois blog, actually). It's funny. Lately, it seems like I can't decide whether ANY changes are a bad idea, or low dose changes are too slow. Which I guess means low dose is a good idea.

[Kreuzfidel]

I'm a little surprised that no one has suggested that you visit a therapist and instead have suggested low dose T as a place to begin.  If they did suggest therapy and I've missed it, I deeply apologise - but I have to disagree with suggesting that you "try" low dose T as a first line of attack.

I apologise if others are offended, but I will NEVER suggest that a person who is unsure of their gender identity or who just want to pick and choose certain changes "try" T as a means of self-exploration.  You say that you started questioning your gender 4 years ago - did you see a counselor at all?  T is not something to "try" - I'm sorry, but I will always disagree with anyone who says it's okay to "try" it.  Regardless of the dose, it can be dangerous and the effects can be permanent no matter how slowly they start to happen.

Have you spoken to a doctor at all?  I think that the first thing that should happen is that you have your questions answered by a professional on both fronts - gender and risks and benefits associated with T.  No one here knows you personally, knows what other things or issues you have going on in your life, etc.  I think that the first line of attack should be that you speak with a professional instead of "trying" a drug that has the potential to damage your body if unregulated and unsupervised by a medical professional and that can and will cause irreversible and unpredictable changes that may affect you psychologically.

I'm not genderqueer, but identity doesn't matter in this case - it's a dangerous drug with permanent effects that can profoundly change the way that you look and sound and which may not be reversible.  You cannot pick and choose and predict the changes.  I will reiterate that, in my opinion, you need to speak with a therapist or a GP who can direct you to the safest route to proceed.

[CopperCumin]

I do have a gender therapist. He says he thinks that, based on what I've told him about how I relate to my body, and the history I've explained to him, testosterone sounds like a reasonable step for me to take.

For the record, I don't think anyone was suggesting I self med or anything. They were suggesting that for people who get anxious about the rapid changes, a lower dose can be a good option. Naturally, I would get blood drawn and discuss health effects of T with a doctor before I actually took T. If for no other reason, it would be very difficult to calculate the right dose without doing so.

I don't think I said anywhere in my post that I only want some changes on T. The only change I'm iffy about is voice drop, and that is less an issue of "don't want" and more an issue of "what if it goes TOO low too fast" ( I don't want some deep baritone voice. I just want it lower than my voice right now). That is to say, I want all the changes on T, but I get scared by the idea of having a completely different looking face after just 1 or 2 years.

I know the changes from T. Including the psychological ones often reported (though of course, we can't know which of these are placebo, or causes by situational factors surrounding going on T.)

This wasn't clear in my post (my bad), but I posted here trying to get some perspective on whether other people worry or worried about "Unknowables", like how you will feel in the future.

Edit: think I found the quote that made you think I only wanted SOME things from T. When I said that I wanted T when I thought of it as isolated effects, I meant that if you made a list of all the changes from T, I would check either "want" or "acceptable" or "I think so but I can't be sure" for all of them. But as soon as you go "do you want to transition to a male body by taking testosterone?" I get nervous.

[aleon515]

I agree re: therapy is a good thing. TBH, I though that the OP was fairly clear on who he is. But had trouble with T and what T might do. There isn't a clear therapy goal there, but I obviously think it's good to discuss stuff like this.

--Jay

[Kreuzfidel]

Thank you for clarifying, CopperCumin.  I didn't mean to come across as aggro - I just think that caution should be taken when giving out advice to someone that we don't know that well - and for me, that's suggesting therapy and advice from medical professionals.  Hope you find what you're looking for - I'm happy you're talking to a therapist.