Gender Roles in Marriage

[DiDi]

SO has been talking about how I am not pursuing her and how I expect her to pursue me. It seems reasonable from her side of the equation - She expects me to be a romantic man, focus on man.....and I expect to be wooed as well. Sort of how she expects chivalry from me like car door opening etc. I do of course open doors etc when she is carrying things or if I just happen to be ahead of her. But I guess I want a more egalitarian relationship. Funny how ingrained these traditional social roles are, especially for boomers. I wonder if our children's generation, now adult, have the same expectations. I also don't know what, if any chivalry is customary in lesbian relationships if there is no butch / femme dynamic.   

I mean, it's not that I don't play the role sometimes - I did it this morning during a roll in the hay to make her happy but it isn't me really. Is this a common experience?

[Jessica Merriman]

In my opinion YES, very common. I had a hard time relating to women I was with for that same reason. I only dated women because that is what was expected when I was growing up (70s). There was no deviation in my geographic area at the time. Boy dates girl, girls dates boy, anything else you actually took your life in your hands literally. I never felt comfortable with women because that is what I was inside. I wanted the same things they wanted and expected so it never worked out too well. I was just not into the pursuing male alpha role. I wanted to be the one who felt protected, valued, and spoiled with love. I wanted to be the one who took care of someone by doing the wash, shopping, meals and other things so who I was with could be successful in their pursuits. I wanted to support and love an alpha, not be one. So yes, my mindset was not compatible with dating females because wanting the same thing nothing got done and both of us felt slighted.

[suzifrommd]

I learned early on that if I was going to attract and satisfy women with the success I wanted, I'd have to act like a man. Would have preferred to act like a woman, but all sex is role play in some way so I lived with it.

[Adam (birkin)]

I have noticed a little bit of it. Personally, I don't subscribe to it. I just want someone who complements me as a person. For example, when I was visiting Keaira, she basically did all the talking because I am shy and not good with words. Whereas she is OK talking to others and generally knows what to say. But then, when she needed emotional support at TDOR, I was there and I was strong for her. I feel like in a partnership, whether it's friends or romantic, it really comes down to each person stepping up and filling a need where there is one. I'm not able to speak to others with ease, but she can, so she stepped up and filled that. TDOR was more emotional for her as she lost a sister, and while I loved Jannie, I didn't know her as well (and don't cry as easily), so that time, I could be the strong one. If one wanted to be traditional, they could say Keaira took a "male" role in the first situation, while I took the "male" role in the second...but really, we were just there for each other.

[ana]

I was not a traditional male pursuer as I was painfully shy and awkward towards women. Women have instead pursued me and admittedly it would feel good, I knew that at some point their expectations would be for the role to reverse. Understanding the expectations that were placed on me by family and friends, I learned to take on the lead role and it was all for her satisfaction, while I would retreat into my inner woman distancing myself from the role for comfort. Not a very healthy or honest place to be.

[Hikari]

I didn't have so many problems with this, mainly because I went out of my way to find women who would pursue me. I remember when dating this one girl, she picked me up and took me to dinner and ordered for me, didn't even ask what I wanted and instead of feeling offended for some reason it felt great lol. I found I really loved the more submissive role, but giving up my independence was something I did regret once problems happened. Now I have learned to be a bit more weary as the dominat types tend want to exercise more and more control while also trapping you, and some will even resort to physical violence if they don't think you will leave. Needless to say there are some things I refuse to deal with and being hit is certainly one of them.

I think maybe, an egalitarian relationship, the whole 50/50 idea might aftually be healthier to do then only being with those who pursue you.

[Stochastic]

Great topic! Yes, I did have problems playing the role. In high school, women always pursued me, and I always felt the need to play hard to get. Guess it was my female brain in control. By college, I finally figured out how to fit in as male. I played the role but it was all a front. With my wife now, social roles have become more blurred as I am increasingly expressing my feminine side. Funny thing, as we was out for a girls day out, I was in fem mode and caught myself opening the store door for my wife. Old habits are difficult to break .

[Rachel]

I open doors for my wife most of the time. About 40% of the time she is in front of me so she opens the door.

I never was aggressive sexually and I am submissive (I am on the bottom always). I always did foreplay and now know why it is so important. My wife now has to reciprocate.

My wife  always initiates if she wants relations, which is usually monthly. When I told her I am trans* so much made sense to her.

I do my wash, take out the trash and I clean and do the dishes. My wife cooks 2 times a week and I help until I get told to exit the kitchen.

[gennee]

I was always a shy kid growing up. I'm not the aggressive or assertive type but I'm not weak either. It took me a while to come out of my shell.

[eli77]

I also don't know what, if any chivalry is customary in lesbian relationships

Ha! That's the fun part, nah? There isn't any customary because there aren't any customs. Everything is negotiated. And you gotta find someone with a compatible energy. Me? I'm pretty into the chivalry thing. I like opening doors and paying for dinner and all that. And she complains adorably when I carry bags for her and stuff.

But... my girlfriend is into doing that stuff too, so we kind of go back and forth. In lots of ways. It's all pretty fluid for us. And every queer relationship is different.

Don't know how straight folks cope with all the rules. Doesn't sound much fun. Much nicer to make it up as you go along.