How do I live with myself?

[Parkhockey27]

Ok, so I had come out to mother that I am transgender. (FTM) She said thats fine but she does not want to go forward in any treatments. I have been this way since I was able to pick out my own clothes. I was always a boy at heart and prayed for a penis every night even as a young child. She knows all of this and yet still refuses to let me be myself. I am not one to be going through phases and I am absolutely positive on my desicion which I have been pondering for two years now. Yet she still consent to even therapy.

Because of her not being accepting or willing to help me in my transition, I have to deal with my female body for a few more years. How can I deal with this situation? I have been extremely depressed for the past few months to the point of crying whenever I see a cis male. (Which is alot) It hurts me whenever my mom says my birth name or uses female pronouns. And she never stops talking so whenever we go anywhere its she this, and my daughter that. The only thing that keeps me slightly sane is wearing my binder, I have a size D chest so the binder does not really make me flat anyways, which kills my self confidence. Nothing helps, cutting, anti depressants, or even my girlfriend. (Whom i've been dating for a year and some months, and is VERY supportive of me)

Does anyone have any advice on how to get through these next few years? Or maybe even to convince my mom to let me be who I want? Any help is appreciated. 

[Jessica Merriman]

Baby I delayed for one person or another for 40 years before I started to transition. You can make it 2 years you just have to find a distraction or something to help you pass the time. Even if you started seeing a therapist tomorrow HRT could be as far away as six months. Use these two years to plan how you are going to do transition and think of how you will deal with job and other considerations. Plan now and save money like a miser and before you know it the two years will be up and you will be in an even better position for HRT and other procedures. I know it seems like a lifetime, but it will go quicker than you think. Transition is not a sprint, but a long process.

[suzifrommd]

 Sometimes people when people don't understand, all they need is some education (and sometimes they're just closed minded, but at least it's worth a try).
She needs to understand:
* Transgender isn't something we choose.
* It typically doesn't go away on its own and no one has ever found a cure.
* It's serious. Depression and suicide are common if it is not treated.
* Transitioning and living as one's true gender is a recognized treatment with a record of effectiveness.

Is there someone at your school who understands about transgender and can talk to your mother? A counselor or psychologist, maybe? Or an adult in your life you trust? Is there some literature on transgender you can show her? Is there a PFLAG chapter near you who might help?

If not, you can try repeating these (in as calm a manner as you can manage). Sometimes repetition will help someone consider a truth that they can ignore the first time they hear it.

[Adam (birkin)]

Jessica is right. If your mom absolutely won't bend, the best you can do is just try to use the time the best you can. I waited only 3 years to start T, and now I'm awaiting surgery...both are equally painful. I just keep myself busy, you know? Do my best in school, worked hard (when I was still employed), when I was younger I had some hobbies like rising my bike and playing around on the computer. It still sucked, but those years did pass, and yours will too.

I also try to view my situation differently. Like, when I feel bad about having to bind my chest (cause other guys don't have to worry about hiding boobs), I trynot to say that to myself. I try to say to myself "ok, it's just an extra little inconvenience, having to grab something to cover my chest." It's a lie to myself, cause obviously my chest is a huge source of dysphoria and is related to my transsexualism, but, it's enough for me to believe it and to hang on to knowing that surgery will happen one day.

[Kade1985]

Hey, I know the feeling, I really really do. I'm in a somewhat similar position (Though I'm 28 and stuck at my mother's right now). I know how you feel, and it really really does suck. But you're also still so young and you got a lot ahead of you to deal with, not just your transition. You got all kinds of fun experiences waiting for you. Some days suck worse than others but you gotta enjoy what you can while you can. Trust me, you probably don't believe me now, but two years are going to fly by and you'll wonder where it all went.

Once that happens you got a whole world ahead of you, HRT included. You can do it, you just gotta hang in there. The others are right, find something(s) to distract yourself with. Perhaps a hobby you have, or maybe you can find a new hobby you'll enjoy. Whatever that might be. You can do it, and in the end you'll be so much stronger for it. You can do it. Just keep trucking.

[V M]

Hi Parkhockey27 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here

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V M

[debpossible]

Hi ParkHockey.

Maybe it will help if you can get your mother to read the following article:

An Open Letter To The Parents of Transsexual Children - https://www.susans.org/reference/gfam3.html