Newbie

[brigitaninabell]

Hello my name is brigita! I am a woman living on the east coast. I joined this website to see if I can gain a better understanding of the lifestyle I am in. I am a natural born female and my partner is a mtf transgender. It is still hard for me to refer to her as her so if I use the wrong pronoun it is mostly because we are still living as boyfriend and girlfriend. I met C almost six years ago and new before we even started dating that he was transgender. He was very open and honest about this with me. Before we started dating he told me that he loved me and I was shocked. I knew his attraction was to women even though he had been with other pre-op transgender mtf's before. I am at a particular point in my life where I want to have children and get married and for the past two years it has been the topic of discussion. Also in the past two year C has been quite secretive and sneaky. His lying has gone completely out of control even about him taking hormones without my knowledge. We had decided that we were going to hold off on hrt so that we could try to have biological children the old fashion way; however it wasn't till four days ago that I found out he's been taking injections for the past 9 months. We have also been fighting for the past year habitually for eveything and nothing at all. I tried to understand why he would lie and sneak around so much if he claimed to love me. Truth is he felt sick about it that he planned to leave me so that I could have the life we originally planned. He didn't want to have to deal with me leaving him once I found out he was receiving hrt and lying to me for so long. He had expressed that it would've been easier for him to disappear instead of find out that I hated him for what he did. Truth is I can forgive him, but I can't help feeling bad because i do resent him for taking away my chance to have one of things I wanted most with him, his and my biological children, I wish I would've known that he couldn't hold out any longer bc I would've banked his, well you know, so that there was a chance. I know people will probably consider me selfish and maybe I am. But it hadnt stopped me from remaining at his side and loving him. I am just having a hard time knowing that I, over the course of our relationshoip, did as much as I could to make him feel accepted and loved. I shopped with him and for him for feminine clothes. When we went out to clubs I made him up did his hair took photos. I love him and I know I will still love her when that pinnacle moment comes to when he's no longer my C but will my A! I am just confused about how I am supposed to feel. If I am to feel betrayed or if I should just resign to the fact that he has to be happy and my happiness has to come in another form if at all. I know that's horrible to say but that is the array of emotions I'm feeling at the moment! Any advice?

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi brigita,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

Personally brigita, I don't think you are being selfish justing wanting something sooo biological natural as having children. Gawd damn it, it's a Right of Passage for you. Nothing selfish in that at all.

I further believe, honesty has to be a fundamental imperative in any relationship, and as it hasn't been reciprocated in your case by C, it is totally fair and reasonable to feel resentment for what you've lost. Life and relationship is all about times and seasons. As such there are appropriate times for selfishness to be a part of your lifestyle. I would just think it's untenable for you to exist in a relationship where trust has been breached and dishonesty reigns. I believe you deserve better than that.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[V M]

Hi Brigita 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here

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Hugs

V M

[Jessica Merriman]

A big warm welcome to the family Brigita! I just want to say thank you for sticking by her even with what happened. I am not trying in any way to validate what she did to you so please don't take this that way. Gender Dysphoria is very debilitating and makes us all do things that are totally illogical and most of the time there is nothing we can do about it. Before I started transition my Dysphoria almost made me take my life. It causes constant pain, lies to protect one's self, kills careers, loses friends and family, causes massive guilt and feelings of shame. With that said it is still not OK to lie to a loved one about being on HRT knowing a child is wanted by one of the parties. I would set a boundary of full disclosure past this point and take action if a breach this serious happens again. Let her know honesty is the ONLY policy from now on. I sincerely hope things get better and work out for the good of all involved. Here is a BIG HUG ( ) to start your journey with us off right and another BIG HUG ( ) for the hurt you have suffered.

[Jill E]

Shake C. Shake C hard and yell what are you doing?! Lying is one of the most destructive things anyone can do in a relationship. You should talk to C and be totally honest about how the lying and secrecy is effecting you.

If you are still committed to the relationship, definitely let C know. It probably needs to be communicated. Wanting to disappear is understandable when trying to avoid confrontation, but it's silly at the same time if C is committed.

It may not be too late to find usable sperm for IVF or to freeze for the future. If you are committed to a future with C (and C is as well), talk to a fertility specialist and get some labs / samples checked ASAP. Again, freezing is always an option if the two of you decide to wait a few years.

You're absolutely not wrong in having higher expectations from your partner.

I didn't come to terms with being trans until after my wife and I were married & didn't start hormones until just recently, years later. In the very beginning, pre-HRT, was dishonest with her at times and I almost lost her. For something as life changing as this (for both of you) total honesty is a must. The two of you will most likely end up being each other's biggest supports through all of this if you get married.

I wish the best for you.

Hugs,

Jill

[Jamie D]

Brigita, welcome.  Check out our "Significant Others" board too.

Open and honest communication is absolutely necessary, in any intimate relationship.  That is especially true when one of the partners is transgender.

I understand C's need to be herself, but she must be aboveboard about it.  C is being a pinhead to risk losing you.