HELP!!!

[shean R]

I have to go to my finacee's parents 60th wedding anniversary party this weekend.  It is going to be a big party with family coming from all over, most of whom I have never met.  We have been together for a little over 3 yrs now, her and I met when I was still female bodied.  I started my transition about a year after we met and she has been extremely supportive.  Her parents and all her brothers and sisters (5 in all) know of course and have also been supportive for the most part.  So let me first say that I am an extremely private person, and very much an introvert.  I have a really hard time at parties and usually avoid them at all cost.  I go to her families Christmas party but leave after an hour and same with my own family or any work or social gatherings, so needless to say I was not looking forward to this party.  Now I just found out that her parents told an Aunt who has told most if not all of the rest of the extended family about me being trans.  I am not very happy about this at all, it is my story to tell IF I choose to do so.  I live in a small town and it is hard enough to live stealth, even though I pass 100%, it is because so many people knew me before my transition.  So the thought of going to this party was already difficult, but now it feels overwhelming!  I have to go I can't let her down by not going, it just wouldn't feel right.  I feel like when people know they just don't take me seriously as a man and I feel sort of like a novelty, everyone stares to see what I look like, how I talk, how I act, etc. and I HATE having attention on me, remember serious introvert here, I like to just blend in NOT stand out.  Any advice or encouragement would be very appreciated!!!  Thanks in advance guys.

[MacG]

I keep checking back on this post because I'm not so keen on large social gatherings, either. But I haven't transitioned yet so... I don't know! I don't plan on being stealth, even if I do eventually ID as solely male. But I'm not comfortable with the thought that everybody is thinking about my body.
At this point, my approach would be to just go on in as if I don't care. And try to find a few people to connect with. Maybe somebody there will share an interest with you. I always look for band geeks or graphic designers, etc.

[Mahmi]

Have you talked to your fiancé about the aunt? I am an SO and I know that if I were your fiancé I would number have said something to my aunt. That is not her business to tell anyone anything. But I think you should be you as you normally are don't be any different. You are you and they will probably be paying a little more attention to you at first trying to see what's different but just make sure your fiancé knows you are nervous and overwhelmed so she can stay near by to back you up and defend you if needed. But remember they are just trying to understand what's going on. Not everyone is aware what goes on in a transition and it's a big change for them as well as it is you. I'm not sure if that helps or not just be sure that you are very open with you fiancé and she knows you will need her more than normal at this gathering due to this aunt basically outing you before you were ready.

[Ryan55]

I get where your coming from bro, especially when people know your missing a penis, its like that with my girl, her mom told the rest of her family, so now they only see me as a chick, sure they accept me as a "lesbian", but in no way see me as a guy like my girl does, even when I start growing a beard and ->-bleeped-<-, they see me as having no penis, its tough and triggers the dysphoria and I feel out of my comfort zone because like you, I want to be seen as a man, not some weird thing on display. I just try to ignore it and keep by my girl mostly, so tell your fiance you need her and if you get real anxious, take a breather and go somewhere by yourself for a second or with your fiance.

[Kreuzfidel]

I don't know if I have any advice for you really - but I've been in similar situations with my wife's family and work.

Granted, no one is really busy-bodying, but somehow most of her family knows I'm trans and I never told them (neither did she) - it put those secret conversations in the back of your mind and you wonder what was said and how they all reacted.  The same with my wife's work.  They all know and now so do all of their partners - and at work functions when I attend with my wife, I  still occasionally feel like they're thinking about my being trans and wonder what the partners think too (they're all really manly men).

But at the end of the day, I've not had anyone say anything inappropriate to me - neither her family nor her workmates - at any of these functions.  They don't look at me funny and they all treat me the same as they would any other guy there.  It took me a long time to accept the fact that my father-in-law knows I'm trans and I felt intensely inadequate around him for a long time wondering what he "really" thought about me in the back of his mind.

The best thing I can tell you is that often times, we make a bigger deal of it than the people we're worrying about.  I was convinced I'd be treated like a freak or less of a man and it turned out to be all in my head.  Most people were like "oh he's trans?  I would never have known.  By the way, how's Aunt Marie?" and that was it. 

I think that if you work yourself up about it in your mind, you're going to make it worse for yourself.  You can't go back in time and do things "your way" now - what's done is done.  It's how you deal with the situation that matters.  Hiding yourself away is not going to make things easier for you, but facing those people and those fears may help you realise that it's not as bad as you think it is and that people really aren't as nasty as we imagine them to be.

I don't know the people in your life, but if you don't give people a chance to accept you - then you'll spend the rest of your life in fear and become a recluse like I was for over 10 years.

I would also agree with what was said about having a frank and honest conversation with your fiance about how you're feeling.

[shean R]

Thanks to everyone for all the feedback, it has helped me look at this from a different perspective.  I am going to try to have a conversation with my fiancee and explain how I am feeling.  It is nice to know that I am not alone in this, that I am dealing with some of the same stuff that some of you are too.  Kreuzfidel, you are right man, I have been talking with my therapist a lot lately about my not feeling comfortable outside my own place, I struggle to go to work even.  Some of this may be in my own head and I have to be confident in who I am and try to not put my thoughts onto other people and give them a chance, that is really hard to do.  Thanks again, this site is the best.