hating hating hating my body

[nonameyet]

so. i used to not mind my face. sometimes i looked at my face in the mirror and thought i wasnt a bad looking guy. then someone in my family came along, well intentioned and well meaning but doing no good, and told me that id wind up looking like michael jackson if i went through with hrt. because in his educated opinion (ie: thinks he knows everything based on the SRS equivelent of a quick google search) im too manly for hrt to do anything but give me a couple small breasts. id be a mutant human basically. never finding anyone to be with because i look like a man and have pseudo boobs. ugly and unwanted.
so id have broad shoulders and a manly figure and a mans face and boobs and male genitals. and id have to get 100,000 dollars in surgeries to look like a woman. and id wind up looking like michael jackson.
so i should just accept my body because most people arent happy with their bodies and they dont get surgery to fix it they accept it. including him. he accepts what he doesnt like because to change it would be wrong and against nature here you can roll your eyes not because hes another wanna be pseudo science nature loving hypocrite. but because its such a thinly veiled excuse for what seems to me to be legitimate homophobia. at least in the sense that hes afraid to just accept that gays exist and get over it. so he  accepts gays.....except the flamers. who he cant stand. and he accepts trans people......but only the pretty or handsome post op ones.

so all that thought that went into the research and potential and what i might look like in my wildest dreams has gone right out the window because now i cant even stand to look at my face and my body has followed where before it was just my body. same as my face. could change later but its just there. didnt really matter.
my sense of potential for the hourglass nice tall womanly figure is just. gone. i see only the flaws and i really cant see how hrt will help at all. hes right. it may just be worse. i may be ugly not average  hideous not pretty.
i just feel. ->-bleeped-<-ing ugly.

isnt that sweet of him. im uglier to myself than i ever have been and just want to vent. even though itll make me anxious and paranoid because thats what happens when you share things about yourself and it gets thrown in your face repeatedly.

and i dont want sympathy or empathetic kindness and oh youre not ugly. because frankly. none of you know what i look like so. how would you know.

anyway. just wanted to vent. anyone else have similar experiences.

[stephaniec]

so basically you are listening to the school yard bully who punches you in the face and tells you to run home to momy.

[nonameyet]

appreciate the straightforward way you said that but no.

the obvious fact is that hes almost right. he may actually be spot on.

i dont know what hrt will do. i may wind up with exactly what he says. a manly figure and a manly face and a complete lack of passability. im willing to take the risk. and im going to. it doesnt stop the fact that i may not get any of what i want out of it and i may wind up needing plastic surgery. particularly for my prominent brow. which i doubt hrt fat replacement will fix.

im just pissed that he voiced my fears in such a way that made me feel ugly. i always felt unnattractive. but in a way that i could look at myself some days and think i was kinda handsome. and if i felt ugly at least i was the only one saying i was

but having someone else tell me that my male features wont transition well was like having my hopeful thoughts reversed and voiced by another person.

[stephaniec]

I'm sorry about this but is he himself transgender or a medical doctor that knows the effect of HRT. It seems really none of us knows the out come of HRT. I think this is a subject that your therapist can help you with.

[Jessica Merriman]

Transition to me is not about how I look, but how I feel inside my soul and the happiness it has brought. I don't care who says what or who judges me. I am ME now and no one can take that away from me ever again, period. When you stop worrying about these things you will find a freedom and sense of self worth no matter what HRT or surgeries do for you. I may not be passable to others, but I am to me and that is all that matters. I could find many things about myself I don't necessarily like, but that is what makes me original and I am good with that.

[Carrie Liz]

Pre-transition, my roommate pretty much told me flat-out "If you want my opinion, I think you'd make an ugly woman." 11 months later, the joke was on her, as she started getting jealous of my boobs, and actually apologized for being wrong.

Just saying. Admitting defeat before you've even tried, just because some arbitrary opinions of other people told you so, is baloney. They don't know what you'll look like. And honestly, you probably don't either. Hell, even 5-6 months into hormones I still didn't know what I was going to look like. I spent MONTHS stuck in this mindset of "oh God, my shoulders are just too big, and my chest is just too thick, I'm never ever going to pass as a woman. It's impossible." And yet despite these dire self-predictions, lo and behold, just before the 1-year mark on hormones, I started passing. And I've even "male fail"ed a couple of times now.

Don't give up without even trying. You'll be amazed how much muscle atrophy, hair growth, and skin texture softening can feminize your appearance... even on a large-built 6'2" person like me, and even only about halfway through HRT, it ended up being more than enough.

[EllieM]

I +1 Jessica's  "Transition to me is not about how I look, but how I feel inside my soul and the happiness it has brought. [...] I may not be passable to others, but I am to me and that is all that matters." When I finally made the decision to start, the endo asked me "what to you want from this?" I responded "I want to look like a 25 year old swimsuit model, but I don't think that's in the cards for me anymore, so what I hoping to get from this is peace of mind." So far, that is what I have, and it is so much better than what I had. Everything else is a bonus Let me quote my late father... you'll grow into it.

[Allyda]

Pre-transition, my roommate pretty much told me flat-out "If you want my opinion, I think you'd make an ugly woman." 11 months later, the joke was on her, as she started getting jealous of my boobs, and actually apologized for being wrong.

Just saying. Admitting defeat before you've even tried, just because some arbitrary opinions of other people told you so, is baloney. They don't know what you'll look like. And honestly, you probably don't either. Hell, even 5-6 months into hormones I still didn't know what I was going to look like. I spent MONTHS stuck in this mindset of "oh God, my shoulders are just too big, and my chest is just too thick, I'm never ever going to pass as a woman. It's impossible." And yet despite these dire self-predictions, lo and behold, just before the 1-year mark on hormones, I started passing. And I've even "male fail"ed a couple of times now.

Don't give up without even trying. You'll be amazed how much muscle atrophy, hair growth, and skin texture softening can feminize your appearance... even on a large-built 6'2" person like me, and even only about halfway through HRT, it ended up being more than enough.

Very very VERY well said Carrie. I agree with you 100%. No one not even you can predict the outcome of 1 to 2 years of hrt will accomplish for you. No one, not even you. I also agree with Jessica. Transition will be about you and how you feel inside. Really, who gives a flying f@$%k what anyone else thinks. Also, have you considered your friend may be jealous? It's something to think about.

Your getting good advice from everyone so I'll only add this: make transition about you and only you, and be happy. Life's way too short to worry about what other people think.

[Jessika Lin]

i dont know what hrt will do. i may wind up with exactly what he says. a manly figure and a manly face and a complete lack of passability.

^This is exactly why I tried to smother my need to transition when I was younger. I had a lot of uncertainty and a serious lack of information. I'm still mentally kicking myself for being so bloody foolish.

[Androgynous_Machine]

so. i used to not mind my face. sometimes i looked at my face in the mirror and thought i wasnt a bad looking guy. then someone in my family came along, well intentioned and well meaning but doing no good, and told me that id wind up looking like michael jackson if i went through with hrt. because in his educated opinion (ie: thinks he knows everything based on the SRS equivelent of a quick google search) im too manly for hrt to do anything but give me a couple small breasts. id be a mutant human basically. never finding anyone to be with because i look like a man and have pseudo boobs. ugly and unwanted.
so id have broad shoulders and a manly figure and a mans face and boobs and male genitals. and id have to get 100,000 dollars in surgeries to look like a woman. and id wind up looking like michael jackson.
so i should just accept my body because most people arent happy with their bodies and they dont get surgery to fix it they accept it. including him. he accepts what he doesnt like because to change it would be wrong and against nature here you can roll your eyes not because hes another wanna be pseudo science nature loving hypocrite. but because its such a thinly veiled excuse for what seems to me to be legitimate homophobia. at least in the sense that hes afraid to just accept that gays exist and get over it. so he  accepts gays.....except the flamers. who he cant stand. and he accepts trans people......but only the pretty or handsome post op ones.

so all that thought that went into the research and potential and what i might look like in my wildest dreams has gone right out the window because now i cant even stand to look at my face and my body has followed where before it was just my body. same as my face. could change later but its just there. didnt really matter.
my sense of potential for the hourglass nice tall womanly figure is just. gone. i see only the flaws and i really cant see how hrt will help at all. hes right. it may just be worse. i may be ugly not average  hideous not pretty.
i just feel. ->-bleeped-<-ing ugly.

isnt that sweet of him. im uglier to myself than i ever have been and just want to vent. even though itll make me anxious and paranoid because thats what happens when you share things about yourself and it gets thrown in your face repeatedly.

and i dont want sympathy or empathetic kindness and oh youre not ugly. because frankly. none of you know what i look like so. how would you know.

anyway. just wanted to vent. anyone else have similar experiences.

There are transition videos on youtube that are startling.

Some of these women started off being a very burly man and turning into a gorgeous flower.



That's amazing.

-AM

[Missadventure]

^This is exactly why I tried to smother my need to transition when I was younger. I had a lot of uncertainty and a serious lack of information. I'm still mentally kicking myself for being so bloody foolish.

It was a big big part of why I smothered my desires to transition when I was younger, although I had many other monkeys on my shoulder providing me with plenty of other reasons.

But, it's amazing what HRT will do. I've been on hormones for 3 1/2 weeks now. And although I can still definitely look in the mirror and see things I hate, even in such a short period of time there have been subtle enough changes that there are days that I can look in the mirror and say "Holy f*%k! I'm cute! Somehow!" I don't pass. But, each day I grow more and more sure that a day will come when I do.

But, to the OP, I can sympathize. I was told, on average 4 times a week, every week, for the past 18 years, that I look like John Lennon. People meant it as a compliment. But, before starting HRT all I could do was picture me winding up looking like John Lennon with tits.

So, my advice to you. Ignore what your family member said. The only opinion which matters is yours. Don't let other people make up your mind for you. We all have flaws that bug us, but we all have features which make us beautiful too. Focus on the latter.

[Allyda]

There are transition videos on youtube that are startling.

Some of these women started off being a very burly man and turning into a gorgeous flower.



That's amazing.

-AM

Now if that isn't motivation I don't know what is.

[Kyra553]

There are transition videos on youtube that are startling.

Some of these women started off being a very burly man and turning into a gorgeous flower.



That's amazing.

-AM

^^ This , just because we all start as ugly ducklings. Doesn't mean were going to be ugly ducklings