So, if I look back at myself in the mirror, it's usually positive, I'll see exactly what I hope to, just another cute college girl out there, which brings a smile to my face; people see me as I do 99% of the time. But, as a woman, it's not always that kind of a reflection...like today. I see a guy today, who's barely been given much by HRT. I feel like my face is still stuck in an androgynous zone, slightly leaning female, which is exactly what I feared. Of course, this could be because I was on too small a dose of estrogen; my readings came back with (US measurements) E at 126. Thankfully, this was since bumped up to help it go higher.
But still, worries remain. Some of this is rooted in my hair, thick and wavy as it is, it hasn't grown past my neck in about 5 years of growing it out. I've had it cut; well, styled, to be more precise, a few times, but nothing to the point where it should a good 1.5 inches/4cm from my neck's bottom. Not to mention, my facial shape is just wrong, not masculine per se, but just wrong, uneven or something compared to the population at large, namely the lower halves of my jaws. I'm proud to be unique in most circumstances, from my zany humor, to voice impressions, to my creativity and brains. Alas, this really isn't one of them.
It's annoying. Guys do hold doors for me and such, but even though I consider myself unavailable, due to not having had SRS yet, it'd be so much of a mental boost to me to have a guy just ask me out on a date, out of nowhere. I just want to know I look okay...I feel so unattractive at times, and that my transition is a big flop, in certain respects.
Add that to REALLY hating down there. I mean, it makes me so infuriated, frusterated, and heavy hearted. Something happened when I woke up today, down there, that basically hadn't for a few months. I could tell what was going on, and it made me cry really, really hard, and made me cry myself to sleep, it was that terrible. My mental state isn't where I'd like it to be with that thing/without a vagina. Plus, I keep getting attracted to movies and the like about babies, parenting, etc. I know I'll adopt one day, but it makes me really loathe my body for being unable to do its most natural function as a female; carry. I know some other women can't reproduce, but it's not like that doesn't bother them. At this point, as I see it, the pain is different for me than it was a few months, or even years, ago: Now it's just that of being an infertile woman, like all the rest of us. That is to say, infertile women as a whole, not just TS women, although we are included in this subset. Just wish I had my vagina now, at least, that one's hopefully wet, cut, reconstructed, and dry, in 18 months.
But even that seems unlikely...I auditioned for a game show in early January, and was like one of 20 left. Of those 20, like 5 make the show. Had I gotten on, SRS would have likely been covered, and I could have gotten my family some really nice gifts. They say I didn't, but I really let them down. And I fouled up so much. I could've had SRS this summer (which I REALLY need!!), I'm so stupid, stupid, stupid...I hate myself for failing that audition. It doesn't help a friend (happy as I am for him) got on, this just stings. Just why...I really needed that money, my family, too. That and a lifelong dream would have happened. Stupid me, STUPID ME! Doesn't help my mother thinks, awesomely supportive as she usually is, I didn't make it because "everyone knows you're trans" and that my voice wasn't good enough (but yet it's fine 99% of the time, so...). This feels like my life. Close, but not close enough. Sick of it!
I just want to know...why me? Common, surely, but commonality does not make an argument wrong. After all, to say the Apartheid in South Africa was bad would certainly be true, but also an intermutual opinion.
Last but not least, I wish I could see my father again, since he died last summer, we were best friends, and he really helped my mind stay sharp, and intellectually strong. He'd also be so proud of me now, having an pretty large, on-camera role on a documentary concerning the lives of transitioning youth, given his own fantastically diverse background. That's at least one of the things I have to look forward to at least, changing the lives of others through a documentary...the others are a Puerto Vallarta villa trip this summer, and the Philly conference where I hope to be presenting twice; once with a local FTM, the other with Jeanette and Jazz (of various programs).
Sigh...please help. Here's a few photos of boring me that you probably don't want to see...14 months E/spiro, first shot has makeup (from the first day of documentary filming). 3rd shot was from today, as you see my deeply set feelings in my shattered glass eyes today, soon after I woke up.
Thank you for reading and responding. It means a lot to me.
