The Old "Don't tell the kids" Thing...

[Danniella]

Hey everybody, I've been encountering a rather hurtful scenario recently, and I'm wondering how other have dealt/think I should deal with it :S

So I've recently came out to the vast majority of the family as trans, (I have a very large family...one of my grans had 11 kids, most of them are grown and have their own kids as well...yes family reunions are terrifying ^^;)

As you can expect, there has been a vast array of different reactions to the news in the family, most are fairly supportive, and the ones who are not are at least distant enough that I can ignore or get rid of easily enough EG: (No I will not attend some crazy religious "pray the gay away" camp in the bible belt thanks...")

But one thing I have noticed that is that, no matter how supportive the family member is, they all unanimously insist that I should "Not tell any of the kids" (which ofc there are allot of).

Whenever I ask why, they can never provide me with a suitable reason, just renewed insistence that I not tell them or dress en-femme in front of them.

I can't really express how much this just makes me feel like a complete freak I mean we have some gay and lesbian relatives that are perfectly fine for the kids to know about, there are some other family members with disabilities (mental and physical) that are not hidden from the kids, why do I have to be?

Am I really that shameful or disgusting that they think that children would run screaming? I mean what is the worst that can happen? 0.o

Besides that, what happens when the kids grow up? Am I supposed to spend the next 10-15 years arbitrarily hiding all of my feminine attributes (lord knows what happens when developing breasts etc) just to see family members? Then when the kids reach a certain age am I supposed to take them to the side and say "hey...so you know how you think I am a man? Well turns out I have been lying to you for most of your childhood..."

It's just very confusing and hurtful, but I can't seem to get it across to the parents, it's like they just want to "protect them" from the me, and that makes me feel dreadful

It's probably made even worse by the fact that one of my friends has a child, she is 11, and her mother was perfectly ok with me dressing female etc. She told her exactly what was going on in advance...so the first time I went round to her house in girl-mode, the kid wandered into the kitchen, took one look at me, said "Hi...Oh I love your jeans!" then turned to her mother without blinking and said "Mum! Can I get this app on my i-pad?".

That was it, no huge drama, the child is not corrupted or confused, perfectly fine, better than most adults in fact!

I wonder if this is a common problem for people coming out and in transition? And if so, how have some people tackled it/overcome it?

I love my family, I love the kids, I don't like feeling like I am suddenly seen as a negative or dangerous thing that they must be shielded from

[LordKAT]

My solution was, they will like me or they won't but I'm not hiding from them. One or two has refused to let their kids see me. Their loss, I still go to reunions, they are my family, too. I think their kids will wonder what the parents problem really was when they find out why they couldn't go.

[suzifrommd]

You are female. You are entitled to dress as a female around children in the same way that any other female does. Anyone who disagrees, does not truly accept you as female.

I'm an in-your-face kind of girl, so if it were my family, I wouldn't hesitate to say something of the sort. If you're not like that, there might be a more gentle way to express the same sentiment.

I refuse to dress/act like a male for ANYBODY. (Most other women, cis or trans, feel exactly the same way).

[Eva Marie]

My wife was terrified to tell the kids (college age). When we did it turned out to be not much of an event to them. My youngest daughter upon seeing me en femme the first time said "I thought that you'd be more flamboyant" 

[invisiblemonsters]

i'm gonna jump in on this because i have been in your situation. although not really with the same amount of kids, my mom was wanting me to delay telling my brother (who was in grade 7 at the time) for as long as possible. she didn't want him to be bullied (because if the kids found out, they wouldn't understand. his friends all know though, he explained it to them and they didn't care or question it) and was afraid how he would take it. funny thing is...he caught on the fastest to using the proper name/pronoun. it's actually interesting?? because my cousin (who is a year older than my brother) didn't even get told anything. people just started calling me my preferred name and she just started doing it too. no questions asked, nothing. you'd be surprised on how well kids take things and how actually more understanding they are than most adults.

i think they're just worried about how the kids will react, if it will get them bullied, etc. and that's because it's not too common or heard of as much as we would like it to be. my brother asked questions (about hormones, what gender i liked, etc.) and then he just dropped it. he didn't question it and he even talks openly with me about things regarding my transition.

it's usually just with the younger kids but this was how i was informed to explain it to people who might not understand what transgender is (kids or adults) "it's kind of like being a chocolate bar..my wrapper will change but the inside stays the same" kind of thing. it was a good way of putting it imo because it makes sense to most. i think people just don't understand the whole transgender thing because of how negatively it has been viewed but i think being transgender is something people can relate to if explained by saying you're just uncomfortable in your body because a lot of people can relate to that, whether it's about weight or some other issue. my friend explained it that way and it makes sense, especially to older people.

in the end, you'll be good. kids are very accepting most of the time. i think my situation is just different because i've always been a "tomboy" so when i did come out, it was just like a "oh, well that explains everything" kind of thing. nothing really was a shock or a change, only the pronouns/name, right? so you dressing differently is what some people will think will confuse them imo but they'll get over it.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

@invisible monsters

thats an interesting story

I have two twin cousins a boy and a girl who are 5 years old...now how the hell do I explain them...
you see Id always tell them stories about magic so I was thinking maybe I should tell them that dark wizards turned me into a girl or something XD
is this too stupid?I ve even thought about introducing as a different person when I see them ( cause I ll propably see them  again after a year)

Im confused,,,their parents know and even though they dont understand a thing they seem to at least be tolerant about it,,,they havent mentioned the kids...

[invisiblemonsters]

@invisible monsters

thats an interesting story

I have two twin cousins a boy and a girl who are 5 years old...now how the hell do I explain them...
you see Id always tell them stories about magic so I was thinking maybe I should tell them that dark wizards turned me into a girl or something XD
is this too stupid?I ve even thought about introducing as a different person when I see them ( cause I ll propably see them  again after a year)

Im confused,,,their parents know and even though they dont understand a thing they seem to at least be tolerant about it,,,they havent mentioned the kids...

idk if they'd take that seriously or not or just think it's another story you're telling them. it's hard to find a way to do it but you know them and you know what would probably be best. you can tell them you're going to go through some changes, that you feel more like a girl instead of a boy and that you'll start dressing how you feel. ask them how they feel about it or if they have questions, it includes them. don't put them on the spot though, tell them they can come to you any time if they don't have questions right away.

children don't have any real preconceptions about this stuff so they'll learn from you and learn it's okay and how to be accepting of different things. kids don't have filters though so their questions might seem hurtful even though they aren't intended to be. you should talk to the parents first though because some parents would like to do it themselves. ask if you can be there though if they want to explain it themselves in case the children have questions. if not, you'll just have to go with the flow.

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Thanks so much for the advise

I ll talk to their parents first , the thing is that I love those two so much ,no matter what happens I dont want to lose touch with them 

[MugwortPsychonaut]

I present the way I want to. When somebody asks, I tell them, "I'm becoming a girl."

You do you. What's your family going to do, disown you? Stop loving you, because you're trans? I doubt that. My parents have asked me not to come over dressed as a girl, but I do it anyway. And you know what? We're all still here. This tiny, blue marble that we call home is still spinning through space. Hitler's still dead, and John Frusciante's still alive.

You do you. The kids will be fine. They'll probably think you're awesome for it, anyway.

[Jessica Merriman]

My thing is we tell our kids all the time growing up "you can be anything you want to be in this world". Time for some family members to stop being hypocrites in saying this same thing over and over. I became what I wanted to and at least one of my kids accept it! My other child is assistant director at the "Pray the Gay Away" camp.

[katiej]

I think that most people have a misconception of trans people because they don't see the ones who transition well and blend in.  They just have the Jerry Springer, guys in a dress kind of trans people in mind.  So, give your family some time to get to know the real you.

Also, the younger generations tend to be much more accepting.  Society really has changed.

[Danniella]

Thanks for all the responses, it's clearly a fairly common issue ^^#

I think the thing that makes this feel difficult for me specifically is the sheer size of the family, like a family reunion is literally hundreds of people, it's insane.

There is no way I can go girl-mode to one of these events and not upset a number of people...but I hate the thought of doing that >.>

I guess I maybe need to try and care less about what others are thinking/feeling, but it's hard to shake that kind of nature...

[Taka]

the adults are ashamed. the kids are not.

adults tend to limit what the kids get to see of the world, for reasons i can't understand too well. it only makes the kids narrow minded because they never got to know there are other options. the best time to learn of something is when the mind is still open to new impressions. only those with the inclination will actually be inspired to choose the same path as someone who's "different". and those are few.

when my daughter had learned at school (from friends rather than teachers, probably) that only a man and a woman can get married, i of course told her that that's not true. two men or two women can get married as well. her second cousin is married to another woman, worked as a fine example. my girl still didn't change her mind about only being interested in boys for partners, she only learned that there are more possibilities than what's commonly accepted.

[RobinGee]

I think most of the parents of my young relatives will be okay.   I'm terrified of my relationship with my niece.  She holds a very special place in my and my wife's hearts.  But her mom is a crazy conservative Christian.  At least she's 13, so even if I fully transition as fast as I think feasible, she'll be close to making her own decisions about that point anyway.

[gennee]

Why should you hide who you really are? What it tells me that some members aren't comfortable with you presenting as female. IT's something that they need to deal with. Sooner or later children will need to be told. In my experience, children handle things much better than adults because they haven't been indoctrinated by much of society rules.

[Jill F]

Why should you hide who you really are? What it tells me that some members aren't comfortable with you presenting as female. IT's something that they need to deal with. Sooner or later children will need to be told. In my experience, children handle things much better than adults because they haven't been indoctrinated by much of society rules.

^^THIS^^

Be yourself, don't make excuses or compromises.   There are a lot of parents who don't want to ever have to explain these things to their kids and this is a classic cop-out.   Their issues = their problems = their own self-imposed hell.   You've been through enough already.

I will NEVER present myself as male because of someone else's personal issues.  I will, however, be happy to rub their noses in their own bigotry.

[Danniella]

Weeeeeelp, I just got the facebook invite to a big family get together in June >.>

After hearing you all...I think I shall try going in female mode and report back

I expect a myriad of reactions...should be interesting if nothing else...