I'm a happy woman, so why do I think and talk about my abysmal past so much?

[Miranda Catherine]

I've been living full time now for 29 months, happier than I ever thought possible and honest to God, I can't remember what living as a male impersonator was like. I haven't had anyone say this to me, but after reading some of my Facebook messages with friends, posts on these threads and talking with my family, I feel I've been far too stuck on my past existence of extreme unhappiness, than the success I've had in transitioning and becoming the woman I am today. I'm still learning, no doubt, but I haven't been clocked in over fourteen months, and that time, my only one, was by a jealous, mean spirited four foot ten inch be-atch (who looked like a bowling ball with glasses) who knew me as a male impersonator close to a year before I finally transitioned. I talk and think about the low points of my past far too much and it's taking some of my joy in who I KNOW I am. In the beginning I needed to focus on passing and learn to be a woman on the outside, but not be in awe of it that I passed. At first,  I couldn't believe everyone thought that I was female, but for more than two years now I've not only been looked at as a woman, I've been one and I know it, even without looking in the mirror. My problem is that I sometimes feel like I'm doing the equivalent of so many AA and NA people who think and talk ad nauseum about their sordid pasts, unable to enjoy their present enough to plan for a happy future. and even though I've been living happily and successfully as a woman for 29 months now I spend far too much time talking about the first 56 + years than I should, like a white knuckling, dry drunk. Does anyone else feel or do this?

P.S. When I said I can't remember what living as a male (impersonator) was like, I mean it. I'm truly a woman now from my inner thoughts to my mannerisms, walk, talk and body. It was so much harder to become and maintain the male act than take off the rough edges to become me, Miranda, that I know it would now be impossible to detransition. And that is one of the most rewarding, fantastic feelings I've ever had.

[sam79]

Hi Miranda.

Being, and passing is just fantastic. Beyond fantastic, it's the ultimate. Maybe I still have some rose coloured glasses on being only two months full time, but it does feel so beautiful. I mentioned to my therapist the other day, recently I've been thinking less about gender stuff and passing than ever before. And it's beautiful to just be me, to go about my business and fit in as per any other woman. The place in the world I always felt I belonged is such a perfect fit... And I'm lucky as hell to be passing so so well so early on.

In terms of my past, I really tried to take a knife to it early on in transition. While perhaps it was rash at the time, I really did uproot just about everything. There was so much pain and misery tied up in that old life, and everything associated to it. I didn't want reminders... and I really didn't love anything in that old life. Some relationships managed to survive transition, but all activities, everything material, and many relationships was left behind. While it was hard, that upheaval is all done now, and I like the way everything is now.

So for me, no, I really don't let the past have any more attention. I don't refer to it, don't talk about, and frankly, I ignore it as much as I can. Sometimes seeing younger women can remind me of what time I've lost in that past, but it's a feeling I cannot let myself dwell on. As said, the past is only pain and misery for me. Plus, I have far too much to worry about in the here and now!

I suspect that as I keep settling and living my new life, the proverbial scars of the past may actually start healing, given time. And if that happens, I may even be able to look back at it with some sort of peace. Only time will tell. Meanwhile, I've some major life goals to work on, one of which is to be a mum.

[Androgynous_Machine]

My problem is that I sometimes feel like I'm doing the equivalent of so many AA and NA people who think and talk ad nauseum about their sordid pasts, unable to enjoy their present enough to plan for a happy future. and even though I've been living happily and successfully as a woman for 29 months now I spend far too much time talking about the first 56 + years than I should, like a white knuckling, dry drunk. Does anyone else feel or do this?

We are the result of our past, present, and future.  Just because we are products of our past doesn't mean we have to be prisoners of it.  Think of it this way, you are walking on a path with a long walk ahead of you, that path was placed because of the path behind you.  The first 56 years of your life does--and will always--have meaning to you.  I think with transwomen we like to think that isn't part of who we are and shy away from it.  I think this is done in error.  That past is what makes us special creatures, that past is what gives us some edge; a chip to ante up with.

My past is filled with people I love and memories I will cherish.  Even if I experienced them as a male, that notwithstanding, it is still very important to me.  If nothing else, my past-life as a male has made me appreciate the sublimity and value of my new and true life.   If it weren't for the cause the effect doesn't come to fruition.

If there were a magic pill that would make me a ciswoman, I don't think I'd take it.  I am a transwoman, proud of it, and I wouldn't trade my experiences for anything.

-AM