I could use some help figuring myself out

[Ebonhawke]

I'd like to start out by thanking anyone who takes time to read this. I really appreciate it.

I am a genetic male and turning 21 this month. For about a year now I have identified as Genderqueer, never really giving it much thought though. The problem I'm having is figuring out if I'm a Transsexual. I've been thinking about it for 4 months now and I have been having a very difficult time. I can say that I think I am, but I have so many fears and doubts. I am absolutely terrified of making a mistake. Looking back at my life I can see a cookie crumb trail that points towards me being Transsexual, but I'm not sure if I've been trying too hard to connect the dots. I've read of Trans woman who didn't transition until later in life. What they felt started when the when they were younger but they kept the feelings locked up until they couldn't hold back. Finally realizing who they truly were and finally transitioning. I don't want that to happen to me, I want be sure so I can transition when the time is right. But one of my greatest fears is being wrong about myself. Transitioning or not transitioning could be a mistake. I'm terrified of taking the incorrect path. I want the best possible chance of passing if I truly am Transsexual.

The earliest I can remember having these kinds of thoughts was around 10 years old. In a couple cartoons I had watched, the boy protagonist would become a girl, and I was absolutely fascinated by this. Sometimes I would daydream about switching bodies with a girl. At age 14 I started making female characters in games that would allow character customization. I loved messing around with their outfits, making them look cool. I never wanted them to be a sexual fantasy, I just wanted them to look awesome.

I would love to have been born female. I can remember telling my mom during my teenage years that I felt like I should have been a girl. I had thought for a short period of time, that I might have been intersex and my parents chose to make me a boy. I even thought that I might have been gay but I quickly found out that wasn't the case. I felt so different compared to the boys in school, like I was another species. My whole life I've wanted long long hair. Getting my haircut as a child was always a terrible experience. Thankfully, today I have very long curly hair  .

Presently, I find myself incapable of being "one of the guys". I feel so out of place. I have no interest in traditional "masculine" hobbies, ideals or the standards men are held up to by society. I just want to be myself. It seems like all evidence points to the obvious and that in the end the call is up to me. I'm just so scared of what the future brings, and at the same time I'm thrilled at the possibilities and joys of realizing womanhood. A major worry I have is not being able to pass. I have an androgynous face and feminine hair, but my body is very musclely and masculine. Another concern I have is that I have not been able to and cannot go en femme. I've cross-dressed a handful of times but never in a major way.

I guess I'm just desperately seeking validation... I've only ever been able to speak with my sister about this. I thinks it's good that I voice this. All I have written has helped me feel closer to the answer.

I want to thank you again for taking time out of your life to listen to what I have to say. I will gladly accept any advice you have to offer and will answer any questions you may have.

~~~~ Ebonhawke

[LordKAT]

Hi Ebonhawke and welcome to Susan's.

Questioning is a good place to start. You are young enough that you have time to sort this out. You may find it worthwhile to see a counselor who deals in gender issues to help you untangle your thoughts. Personally, You are who you are, there is no real need to put a label to it. If you feel the need to transition, then that may be the right path for you, if you aren't sure, think about how you wish to be seen or remembered after you get old or die. Do you see yourself as an old man, or an old woman? If the world saw your final moments as one or the other, would you feel happy?

[Sephirah]

Sometimes the act of just getting your thoughts out and sorting through the way you feel goes further towards giving you the answers to your questions than anyone telling you what is or isn't the case, hon. You've taken a big step, and one to be very proud of yourself for.

What I would suggest is to take some time to make sure what the right thing for you is. As much as you can do, at any rate. As you say, your biggest fear is being wrong about yourself. To that end I would recommend trying to speak to someone with training in gender issues. A counsellor or therapist. Someone who can sit down with you and listen while you explore yourself and the way you feel. And maybe offer advice on what the best courses of action are. If you're scared of taking the wrong path, then until you get some sort of idea of what the paths actually are, and involve, then take that step which allows you to get to know yourself better without having to shoulder your pack and set off down one of a number of forks in the road.

I know that isn't a whole lot of help when what you want is, as you say, validation. But it's been my experience that the only person who can ultimately give you validation is you. By arriving at your own conclusions and listening to your feelings, and the way you see yourself. What I will say is that the things you've posted here share a lot of similarities to what a lot of other people have posted. And no doubt folks here will share their own views on how your story relates to theirs and what that means. All I would say is to take that as a starting point. A base from which you attempt to understand yourself further.

I do have one question though, if that's okay.

You mention you find yourself incapable of being 'one of the guys' and feeling out of place. My question is: what situations or experiences do you find yourself capable of handling or being involved in? What kinds of things make you feel 'in place', as it were?

[suzifrommd]

My experience was similar to yours. I wished I could be a woman but I didn't "feel like one". I spent some time figuring I was non-binary gendered.

What helped was actually to spend some time presenting as a female. It also helped to think about how I would feel if I was going to act male again (I'd be OK with it) vs. how I'd feel if I had to be only male (I'd feel like a piece of me was cut off). That helped me know I was female at the core.

The media portrays trans women as if we "always knew we were female" when in reality an awful lot of us have to figure it out. I often wonder what percent of genderqueer and genderfluid people are actually MtF or FtM transgender, but have expectations of what that feels like because of media portrayals of us.

[Ebonhawke]

My question is: what situations or experiences do you find yourself capable of handling or being involved in? What kinds of things make you feel 'in place', as it were?

I always felt most comfortable when I was hanging out with my cousin. She was born exactly 1 month before me, so growing up we were always together. In middle school I had left my group of friends to join hers, and that began a pattern. I would hang out with her, her friends, and my sister. We would watch funny youtube videos and talk for hours about music, tv, etc. I always went out with them any time I could. I felt good and safe when I was with them. After she went out of state It was just my sister and our friend. We would ride around in her truck and just talk, it was always fun. But she moved out of state as well. Now I mostly spend time with my brothers and sisters.  I guess I mostly feel in place when I am around the women in my family.

[Sephirah]

I always felt most comfortable when I was hanging out with my cousin. She was born exactly 1 month before me, so growing up we were always together. In middle school I had left my group of friends to join hers, and that began a pattern. I would hang out with her, her friends, and my sister. We would watch funny youtube videos and talk for hours about music, tv, etc. I always went out with them any time I could. I felt good and safe when I was with them. After she went out of state It was just my sister and our friend. We would ride around in her truck and just talk, it was always fun. But she moved out of state as well. Now I mostly spend time with my brothers and sisters.  I guess I mostly feel in place when I am around the women in my family.

And how does that make you feel about yourself when you are spending time with them? How are you treated by them? As a person, I mean.

[FionaG]

I find myself in a similar situation, but having resolved to make the decision myself, which is really what it comes down to.

I always had an interest in gender-bent characters as a child. Ranma 1/2 was a favorite manga of mine in middle school. I routinely picked female or androgynous characters in video games, and always made female custom characters. I started impersonating a female online at the age of 12. And believe me, I spent a lot of time in virtual worlds in my younger years.

Ten years later (today, (approximately)), I've come to realize that the choice was the critical aspect. I went to these virtual spaces because in them I could define my identity. I could choose to be a girl. I wasn't stuck with being a boy. And for 20 years there was no cross-over into real life. In the real world I was a boy and that's just how it was. And I was honestly fine with that. Then I discovered cross-playing. It all started with an attempt at impersonating Marceline from Adventure Time for a convention. Once I realized I didn't have to be a boy in real life, I started taking baby steps to where I am now: essentially trans. I feel like had I been born a girl, I would want to be a boy. I am excited to be a girl yes, but I'm also excited to be an ex-boy. I'm excited to have experienced both sides and the middle.

Maybe I'm reading too much into your bit about video games, or maybe I'm just projecting my own thoughts onto you, but it sounds like choosing is the part you may enjoy. And I find transition exciting. It provides a profound opportunity for you to be reborn. It comes with a great deal of challenges, to be certain, but (at least I feel) each is offset by a great opportunity.



Don't let me rush you into it, though. I started all of this within months of my 21st birthday as well. Find some breastforms. Find some friends who are accepting and just be weird. Experiment and see where it takes you. You have time to figure it out, and it's a lot more fun and rewarding to do in a walk-in closet than a tiny one.

[Alexa]

This is so close to my experience, I could have written it, haha. Not everyone was screaming "I'm a girl" from age 2 or had a sudden epiphany. Sometimes it's just an underlying "theme" that one day you just go "wait a second..." as dots begin connecting (in my case).

I also played female characters in video games. In a pretty popular MMORPG *pushes glasses up* I had a male character that I would use with friends and whatnot, and a female character that I would play that nobody knew about. For a long time I thought this was just a kink or something, but it wasn't a sexual fantasy in any way. It just felt "right".

[EmmaK]

I also played female characters in video games. In a pretty popular MMORPG *pushes glasses up* I had a male character that I would use with friends and whatnot, and a female character that I would play that nobody knew about. For a long time I thought this was just a kink or something, but it wasn't a sexual fantasy in any way. It just felt "right".

I never really thought about wanting to be a girl when I was a kid, but I remember from back then till now, if I had a female option in a game, etc. I would always choose it. Even if my guy friends would mock me for playing as a chick.