Most of the time, I am comfortable with being alone. That's pretty much the way it's been for me for my entire life. Other than a few "drug buddies"...they were never friends in the true sense. So, it's the way things have been for me. But there are other times I wish I had someone around. Someone that was more than just a friend. Guys don't do it for me and I've never had a girlfriend. But, to be fair, I've never really bothered with looking for one.
But I think that being pre-op for the rest of my life is going to be a major road block, whether I want to look for a girlfriend or not. Plus, I don't live in that large of a town, (roughly 35-40,000 people) so, I know that is going to limit my options. Plus, looking on the outside, inward, I would probably be pretty damn weird in most people's eyes. That doesn't bother me. I am who I am, for better or worse and I wouldn't change a single thing about myself for anyone on this planet.
But, there are times when I think to myself: "Hmmm, so is this all there is to my life? Just sitting around by myself (other than visiting family members once in a while?)"
Sure, there are things I could do to meet people, but I've already been through this stuff before. I don't tend to get into the same things as most people around here do, so the odds of me finding someone that has something in common is pretty slim. That's just looking at things from a "friend" perspective. That's not even taking into account the idea of looking for a girlfriend.
Then I go back to thinking about the whole gender thing and it bugs me slightly...ya know, being in the wrong damn body and all that. Because I have one penpal that I talk on the phone quite a bit and he knows I'm trans and he has no problem with me, but he also knows that I have no desire to be with a guy. But if I WERE in the right body, I would probably make an exception in his case and I've told him that.
The sole reason for that is this: We actually have a connection, we can chat for 2 hours on the phone about anything and everything. Hell, he talks to me more than he does his actual girlfriend. We talked about that once before. It was interesting.
But, with me being in the wrong body, and the fact that there would still be no sexual attraction there at all, even if there were connections of other kinds. That is one thing that makes me think: "Well, even it could work in one way, it wouldn't work in another."
So, that's where I am in all of this.
Plus, I don't feel like moving away (even though this town really sucks and is dreadfully boring).
It's not so much that I have a fear of dying alone. I don't give a damn about that and I never will. When you are dead, you are dead.
But, while I am here, it would nice to have someone that I could really connect with. Have someone just to talk to without having to worry about the usual family baggage getting in the way. (If you knew my family, you would understand what I mean.) Someone to hang with and chat with. Someone that I actually have something in common with. It kind of sucks when you end up talking to people that have no idea what you are taking about and I have no interest in what they are talking about so it kind of makes the whole thing pointless in the end.
I'm just sick of having no one outside of my family around.......It would be nice if it could change. But I have no idea how to make that happen given the situation that I am in.
