I wish I could take my own advice

[ZombieDog]

I'm a FtM that started seriously transitioning a little over a year ago.  I've been dating and living with the same man for five years.

I have panic disorder unrelated to my GID and I have difficulty doing anything out of my own comfort zone.  Before I was on anti-anxiety meds I literally would burst into panic induced tears whenever I went more than a block from my apartment.  I mention this because my boyfriend is part of my 'safe place', if that makes sense.  He's like my 'plan b' for when we go out, if I panic he'll be there to help.  Which is great, but I feel like I'm using that as basically the reason I'm with him.  He suffers from social anxiety, though his is untreated(and he refuses to see a doctor because he hates doctors and doesn't want to spend the money).  So this, coupled with our lack of money, means we rarely ever leave the house.  This makes me miserable.  I'm not what I consider a social person, but I like to see a friend or two once a week or so for hanging out or eating somewhere.  He would be happy if all he ever saw was me.  And he's not keen on me going out and doing stuff with people without him.  He's insecure and thinks I'll fall in love with someone else and leave him and because I'm bisexual he fears both male and female friends.  The fear isn't ENTIRELY unfounded, as I did once admit a reciprocated crush on a friend, though nothing came of it.

The biggest problem is this:  He hasn't worked a job for more than three months the entire time we've lived together.  In that time he's gotten two jobs and been fired from both of them within a month or two.  We live off of my 9.50/hr and it's not enough.  We have debt and we've been living without things I consider basic needs(like car insurance and trans related health care).  I've left him twice, going so far as to move back in with my dad and always gone back to him before long(it doesn't help that living with my dad is a miserable experience).  He recently almost finished trade school a couple weeks ago, but he failed his final phase and instead of retaking if(for free, even) he can't decide if he wants to do that or just try and find a job.  But he's afraid he can't find a job because he didn't graduate.  His anxiety makes it very hard for him to look for work because he gets so worked up about it.  The stress makes him sick and then he can't look for a job because he's sick.  The same thing when he gets a job is the stress makes him sick and he loses his job.  He won't get help for it because we 'can't afford it' and he wants to do it on his own.  The only way he contributes financially to this relationship is the use of his car(whose tags and insurance are paid for by his step-dad) and our cell phones(also paid for by his step-dad).  My car is a gas guzzler and I haven't been able to afford insurance or new tags for it so we use his car.

I'm tired of living in subsidized housing infested with cockroaches and bed bugs with neighbors who have visitors at all hours of the day and night and whose pot smell is sometimes so strong that it seeps into our apartment from the hallway.  We always talk about how good things will be when he gets a job.  We'll get a house and I can have the things I need.  He'll pay for my top surgery and if he makes enough money I can start working a part time job and spend the rest of my time starting my own business.  He's said this for years and I just know I can't believe him.  But at the same time, I've all he's got.  He doesn't talk to his relatives because he doesn't like them.  His mom passed away six years ago, and he has no money.  I don't know what to do.  He loves me, he needs me, and sometimes I think I need him.  I don't know if he makes my anxiety better, but he's a familiar rut and I'm afraid that my anxiety would be worse if my familiarity was disturbed by a break-up.  Especially since he wouldn't go quietly(he hasn't before, which is why we always end up back together.  He begs, I remember how comfortable familiarity was and relent).

If a friend were in this position, I'd slap them silly, tell them to cut free the dead weight and sail on.  Surely I'd be better off if I was only supporting myself.  I'd still live in a crappy apartment and be poor, but maybe not so bad off as trying to take care of myself and a second person.  Maybe some of my money could go towards being able to consistently afford my HRT and be able to go back to therapy to have my panic disorder and GID further addressed.  I so often feel like only one or two strokes from drowning.

[Jessica Merriman]

I am sorry baby, but I would move on. He is unmotivated and nothing will ever change that. If you want to be successful move on and enrich your life without his dead weight. I am not trying to be mean only giving you my opinion. If you stay you will be in this situation forever. Take care of yourself, think of yourself and find your own path in this world. Here is a BIG HUG ( ) for the courage to forge ahead and be a success out there!

[Edge]

If a friend were in this position, I'd slap them silly, tell them to cut free the dead weight and sail on.

Cut the dead weight and sail on.

And he's not keen on me going out and doing stuff with people without him.  He's insecure and thinks I'll fall in love with someone else and leave him and because I'm bisexual he fears both male and female friends.

This is NOT OK.

He won't get help for it because we 'can't afford it' and he wants to do it on his own...
But at the same time, I've all he's got...  He loves me, he needs me

No. He is responsible for his issues and he's refusing to get help for them. He is not your responsibility.

I am willing to bet that living with and being with him actually causes more anxiety than not being with him would. Sure, change is scary and break ups are stressful, but once you get over the initial few days, things will start to look up and you'll be free to pursue what you need for yourself. That's just what I think though.

[Jeatyn]

So I have a question, that you haven't mentioned at all. Do you love this guy? Not in a "yeah sort of he's always been there" way but actually love him.

If not, just move on. You have to be strong, you say he begs, how? Email? Phone? Anything that can be blocked so you don't have to hear/read it?

If you do, then obviously it makes things more complicated as you have to decide whether to listen to your heart or your head. There is a middle ground between the two - a separation. Not breaking up, but no longer living together so you both have some time to figure out how to live independently. Not having your income to survive on might give him a boot up the ass.

[Shantel]

OMG ZombieDog,
         I don't know how many times I have seen this kind of abuse taking place, but it's sickening. I'm taking the liberty to assume that the guy is cis, it is obvious either way that he's a deadbeat and if you expect to have any self esteem left you ought to kick him to the curb.
        The 40 year old cis guy across the street hasn't had a job in over four years. He's somehow manipulated his older wealthy, out of state sister, to take over his mortgage so he can live there free. He had a pretty live-in girlfriend that was with him for seven years before she finally saw the light and left. Now another pretty little thing has moved in about two years ago ("because he's so handsome") and is holding down three part-time jobs so that they can eat out every night while he uses her as his mattress. I would gladly go over there and wring his neck if the law allowed it. I think it's sickening how these selfish, manipulative bast*rds can screw over someone like that with no remorse.

[ZombieDog]

So I have a question, that you haven't mentioned at all. Do you love this guy? Not in a "yeah sort of he's always been there" way but actually love him.

I do love him, but I've just grown really frustrated with having to make ends meet and I find that I struggle to be supportive of his emotional issues while dealing with mine too.  We have some differences in how we want to live in the future as well.  I would like to start phasing out the internet(I spend almost every moment I'm not at work or asleep at the computer) and live on a few acres somewhere and have goats, chickens, horses, and a nice garden.  He would rather live in a suburb and have just the chickens and a garden.(Chickens are legal to own in the city where we live, which is awesome.)  These are things we could probably compromise on if we didn't have other more fundamental problems.[/quote]

If not, just move on. You have to be strong, you say he begs, how? Email? Phone? Anything that can be blocked so you don't have to hear/read it?

He will call, text, contact me through Facebook, and email me.  I could block it, yes.  But that first requires having him move out.  I've tried letting him live with me until he got a job but that just brings me back to the problem of him not having a job and no motivation to get one.  And it makes him impossible to ignore when he's sleeping in my living room(or worse, my bed.)  He doesn't get angry, he gets sad.  And then he threatens to live in his car and says he'll die(either by thinly veiled suggestions of suicide, or the elements/starvation.)

If you do, then obviously it makes things more complicated as you have to decide whether to listen to your heart or your head. There is a middle ground between the two - a separation. Not breaking up, but no longer living together so you both have some time to figure out how to live independently. Not having your income to survive on might give him a boot up the ass.

I would love to tell him to move out until he got a job but he has no family to live with, no job, and his only real assets are a car and some video games.  He would live in his car.  I discussed it with my boss and she suggested I give him two months to get a job and then kick him out when it's warmer and he wouldn't freeze to death if he moved into his car.

[Jeatyn]

I have sort of been on both sides of this issue. I understand how it feels for both parties involved and it sucks all round. I'll share what happened in case there's anything that can be applied to your situation.

I moved in with my then boyfriend when I was 16, I tried to go to college twice and dropped out, I could never get a job/hold down a job, was depressed, never left the house, no friends, didn't speak to my family etc etc. I hadn't yet figured out I was trans, I just knew I was miserable and unable to function properly.

Obviously this was very frustrating for my other half who was working and supporting me. This went on for years, we were unhappy but it was all we knew and there was still some vague glimmer of "it'll get better" - we'd make plans for a better life and never do anything to put them in to motion.

I tried to leave and moved in with my sister. It was very tense, she didn't want me there and the same issues came up of me getting a job and doing something with my life. He got in contact any way he could to beg me to come home and put out suggestions of suicide.

I relented and moved back in after about a month. Nothing changed and about 6 months after that I decided to write him a long letter basically explaining that I didn't want to argue or talk about the issue anymore, but the fact is I no longer love him and he clearly isn't happy either. I asked if it would be ok for us to break up, but still live together. I promised to do my absolute best to get a job and move out. In the mean time I agreed to take on full time voluntary work so I would be out of the house and building up some experience to help me get a paid job.

He reluctantly agreed to this, and there were occasions where he'd try to beg or reconcile. I felt heartless, but I deflected it the best I could. I eventually did get a paid job and moved out.

The attempted emotional blackmail continued from him, but I stayed strong, and he eventually got over it. We're good friends now, the past is never mentioned. There was a point a year and a half or so after I initially moved out that I ended up homeless - I moved back in with this guy for a while. By that point all the bitterness and weirdness had mostly subsided, I had started my transition and was starting to get my life together so we were just like normal guy room mates.

I want to add as an aside, in response to the comment that what he's doing is abuse. It is, absolutely, emotional blackmail. However I wouldn't go so far as to call it abuse - you have to look at the other side, it's a survival mechanism kicking in because he's afraid of being alone and fending for himself. You just have to decide at what point you say "it's not my problem" - there's only so much a person can do to help someone, you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink. If he refuses to get professional help for his problems, and can't/won't fix them by himself, there's not much more you can do short of having him committed and put on suicide watch.

Personally, if I were in your situation I would issue an ultimatum. As gently as you can, explain that you do love him but something has got to give and he's going to have to understand that it isn't fair to make you live like this. So he's going to have to get himself together (therapy, a job, voluntary work, school, SOMETHING to contribute to changing things) or move out. I agree with your boss, two months sounds like a reasonable time frame to me.

[sad panda]

OMG ZombieDog,
         I don't know how many times I have seen this kind of abuse taking place, but it's sickening. I'm taking the liberty to assume that the guy is cis, it is obvious either way that he's a deadbeat and if you expect to have any self esteem left you ought to kick him to the curb.
        The 40 year old cis guy across the street hasn't had a job in over four years. He's somehow manipulated his older wealthy, out of state sister, to take over his mortgage so he can live there free. He had a pretty live-in girlfriend that was with him for seven years before she finally saw the light and left. Now another pretty little thing has moved in about two years ago ("because he's so handsome") and is holding down three part-time jobs so that they can eat out every night while he uses her as his mattress. I would gladly go over there and wring his neck if the law allowed it. I think it's sickening how these selfish, manipulative bast*rds can screw over someone like that with no remorse.

Why does being cis have anything to do with it? Why does knowing that he is cis make him a deadbeat? I'm sorry but reading your post made me so upset. Your view of women and FAAB people... oh my god. I'm leaving this site again before I literally have to puke.

[ZombieDog]

Thank you all for being so helpful, especially you Jeatyn.  I talked to him some today and I'm not sure anything changed but I'm going to stick by my two month ultimatum and offer to help him in the meantime, encouraging and supporting when he asks for it and leaving him to his own devices.  He can sink or swim and if come April he's still not doing anything productive, I'll be living the single life.

[Shantel]

Why does being cis have anything to do with it? Why does knowing that he is cis make him a deadbeat? I'm sorry but reading your post made me so upset. Your view of women and FAAB people... oh my god. I'm leaving this site again before I literally have to puke.

Sorry you can't deal with it, just stating facts about my neighbor as it really is and for the record most of my real friends in life are women who are strong enough to refuse to put up with being a doormat for some shiftless male.