Passing & The Public

[Jenna Marie]

I prefer not to think in terms of "passing" (although I'm not judging anybody else, this is inside my own head) because for me the issue is more about blending in - I'm shy and I'm not comfortable with attention being drawn to me, so I'd rather blend into a crowd of ordinary-to-ugly women than stand out as someone taken for a cis bombshell, too. I just want to go about my daily life without being spotlighted for any reason.

That means that to me it's also a totally separate issue from "stealth" or who knows about my past; I want *strangers* to treat me as a boring ordinary woman that they ignore, but I don't necessarily care if friends/acquaintances/coworkers/bank tellers know I'm trans as long as they don't treat me like a zoo animal. These days fewer and fewer people do seem to know the story, which is fine, but it's not a goal of mine.

I haven't been called out in public since about six months on HRT, thank God. Even pre-op, I had no trouble with bathrooms or changing rooms (even showered naked in a locker room with no shower curtain once, though that was scary!), and that's all I ask.

[overdrive]

Its strange to me that I don't care what other people think of me EXCEPT if they clock me as female its a crushing blow to me. I hope I get to the point where I view that as everything else of being the other persons problem, not mine. Unfortunately though I'm not there yet. 

[Adam (birkin)]

Passing is super important to me. Not that it makes me any more or less of a man, but I'm an introverted sort of person. I hate the idea of attention being drawn to me, because it distracts me from the things I really care about.

[Jessica Merriman]

I don't care if I pass or not. What I know is I feel normal now and never think about it. I am just glad I get to really live now and not be restricted by dudebro culture with respect to showing emotions, how I should move, etc. I really don't think after being Full Time I could pass as a male. Is that not weird? Passing is not just about looks, but attitude. I move with a relaxed purpose and don't give any indication that people bother me in the least because they don't. Stop thinking of yourself as trans, but your chosen gender and you will not have a problem. This is just how I see it, some may not. PS-My therapist calls me sassy and flirtatious, does it sound like I worry about passing?

[ErinM]

I half-ass it a lot of the time I'm out in public, so no passing isn't all that important. Passing is nice, sure, but not a requirement for me to feel like myself and feel comfortable being myself in front of other people.

For me I hate being clocked or misgendered. Nothing can screw up my day faster.

That being said, I too could be considered to be half-assing it as well. For instance, despite being full time for 4 months now, I have yet to wear an ounce of makeup. That being said I seem to get by.  I never have problems in washrooms and I'm consistently gendered female by others who didn't know me from before or don't know about me.

The great paradox of my transition seems to be that not obsessing over passing has helped me to pass better. The sir's I get in person pretty much came to a stop when my worrying did.

[peky]

"passing," "stealth," "non-op," "pre-op" I wish my life style would afford me to worry about all these "issues."

Between two jobs, kids homework's, post school, activities, paying bills, maintaining the house and the cars... I hardly have time to put some make-up... I just live my busy single woman head of a household one hour at a time...

[Missy~rmdlm]

I should address that the more trans women are in a group the more noticeable they are. If one is obsessive about this it can lead to antisocial behavior, not something I recommend. My personal take is I'd rather not miss a lunch with the ladies than worry about the probability of being clocked or associated with other trans ladies. My self doubts don't run deep enough to worry about teeny bopper thoughts.

[Ashey]

I half-ass it a lot of the time I'm out in public, so no passing isn't all that important. Passing is nice, sure, but not a requirement for me to feel like myself and feel comfortable being myself in front of other people.

Oh what a difference a few weeks can make. >_< I don't really half-ass it anymore. I can't really. I'm too far in, and now I doubt I pass as a guy anymore. Haven't gotten a sir all year I think. Instead I get 'ma'am', 'miss', and 'lady'. And honestly, it's a bit stressful, and nerve-wracking. :/ I went to the mall today, with some makeup on, female clothes/hair/etc., carrying a purse, and absolutely nobody gave me weird looks or looked twice. Not even children. I passed, and just blended right in. But all I could do for a while was think about every little thing that I imagined stood out to people and outed me. I sat in the middle of a crowded food court after getting a 'ma'am' from the cashier right away, and while I ate I spent the whole time absolutely paranoid that people were looking at me, or I was eating like a guy or sitting like a guy, or whatever. Then I went shopping for converse. They're unisex, but I was trying to feel confident and asked for a size 11, assuming I'd get it in women's. The guy gave me the men's size.. >_> So I asked for a 9. I started to sweat a lil, and felt really uncomfortable, so I went outside for some fresh air. I did that twice.. It took me probably an hour or two going through the mall before I felt relaxed enough that I wasn't dwelling on every little thing. Just kept in mind that nobody noticed, and I didn't technically get clocked (I think). *sigh* I guess, in time, this will pass. But right now it sucks. :/   

[Tristan]

As my doctors told me I have been the classic transsexual case. Being post op passing and stealth have been everything to me. Although depending on the person and your profession I have been told the past will come out at some point

[Everly]

im definitely not passable pre hrt. thats what scares me. that pre hrt it doesnt bother me. at worst im a dude in makeup.

post hrt its either surgery or never pass (assuming hrt doesnt work) and i really cant afford either.

idk. im just not worried about it right now.

hard not to though

living my life as a man isnt what i want. and if i dont pass im living my life as man trying to look like a woman and failing.

sort of a damned if i do or dont.

[TerriT]

I am not a part-time female I don't do it on weekends. Or just cause I feel like being pretty on occasion.

Today I was out with a few members of a group I met last Saturday for coffee and I'm not sure if they were aware but some teen girls had come into the coffee shop. They proceeded to stare giggle and walk back and forth while looking in our direction.

I got clocked. I got read I got laughed at. This would not have happened if one of the members were 100% passable. I'm not sure if anyone noticed because their backs were facing the teens. But it was the most uncomfortable feeling I have ever felt. I don't experience things like that on a day-to-day basis. But I did today. After this member left the teens left and there was no more behaviour.

If you want to be taken serious then you need to not just dress the part but look the part. Act the part not over do it with over the top gestures. Walk normal, Don't over do it. So to me passing in public is very important. If you're just dressing part-time or for fun how in the hell do you expect to have the public take you serious.

So you're ranting because a member of your party gets clocked and it outed you. You sound like a pretty crappy friend TBH. Maybe you should just stick with people that you feel more confident hiding with. Passing is important to me, but not enough that I would dump on somebody because of some bitchy teenage girls giggling.

[barbie]

100% passing is impossible for me, because I have to interact with people and my low voice alone reveals my biological sex. I am so much noticeable when I am en femme, nearly everybody in the street study me, even in foreign countries such Germany and Finland. Sometimes I do not want those stares, but I can enjoy attentions from girls. Men tend to look at my face, while women at my body figure.

I do not want passing so much desperately, because keeping in stealth deprives me of many important things: I should not speak loudly; I should not meet my old friends and colleagues.

Even after they know I am a man, people tend to praise my beauty and treat me like a kind of celebrity. Even passers-by smile at me.

For example, about two years ago, I drunk a lot with my old friends at a summer night, and the female restaurant owner hugged me. She was younger than me, but she treated me like her younger sister. Other people there just smiled at us.



This is in part why I do not transition.

barbie~~

[Bardoux]

@Ashey: The guy could of made a mistake with the shoes and since converses are absolutely unisex he may of not noticed at all.

@Barbie: Your lovely! Really inspirational

[Everly]

So you're ranting because a member of your party gets clocked and it outed you. You sound like a pretty crappy friend TBH. Maybe you should just stick with people that you feel more confident hiding with. Passing is important to me, but not enough that I would dump on somebody because of some bitchy teenage girls giggling.

i agree. not all of us are passable.

if you didnt want to get noticed maybe you shouldve made an excuse and left. if you are not passable enough not to get clocked by someone based on who youre with, thats not her fault.

ie: you couldve been the female friend hanging out with a ->-bleeped-<-. if you were passable. that someone else got clocked and it clocked you shows that its not her fault. you were just easy to out based on your present company..
i wouldnt worry. im not passable either.

[Ashey]

@Ashey: The guy could of made a mistake with the shoes and since converses are absolutely unisex he may of not noticed at all.

Heh, after I bought them and was thinking rationally, I figured that might be the case. But ugh, at the time it really messed with my head and my nerves. :/

[sad panda]

Passing problems are a part of trans life that I have never experienced. My heart goes out to everyone who struggles with this daily, I cannot begin to imagine how hard it is to be visibly trans. *hugs to all*

Well, except I have not passed as a boy before, but that doesn't make me visibly trans, people just think that I'm a girl instead. So it's different.

[barbie]

So you're ranting because a member of your party gets clocked and it outed you. You sound like a pretty crappy friend TBH. Maybe you should just stick with people that you feel more confident hiding with. Passing is important to me, but not enough that I would dump on somebody because of some bitchy teenage girls giggling.

IMHO, self-confidence is more important than passing. Whether I pass or not, nobody giggles at me. They respect me, although they sometimes laugh together with me, and women tend to approach me more friendly (even aged women in the street grasp my hands to ask the direction).

If you look like trying hard to hide something, then people may clock you and some kids or teenagers may giggle. In my case, I have nothing to hide. I sometimes try to pass, for example, when purchasing women's underwear and high heels. Even if I fail, I do not care so much.

barbie~~

[arbon]

Its not as important to me as it seems to be to the OP.
If your so worried about being clocked don't hang out with other trans women.

I respect people who want to be stealth, but I don't like the judgement they sometimes have of those that aren't. If you are going to go out with other trans women and then get upset because as a group you get clocked, its on you not the people you are with.

I live in a small community, everyone pretty much knows who / what I am. But I still live a  good life. On those rare occasions when someone does point me out or laughs at me - to heck with them! who are they? Small stupid minds.  Much rather be me, comfortable and okay with myself.

I have no need to meet another trans woman's standard for looks / passing or how I should behave, like the op implies we all should. I'm not so insecure with myself.