Some thoughts and questions

[ClaudiaLove]

Hi ,


I have a question for the transsexuals that , lets say they weren't aware of being another gender (maybe some gender dysphoria and lack of harmony we all did , but some were clear and binary about being the other gender even though they transitioned later in life - I am focusing on the rest of us )  :

How did you view , feel and perceive(d) transition ?

Was it just a matter of clothes , documents , looks ,social interaction ... ,  or something more complex ?
Did you just feel the need to correct that things to look than the standard persons of the gender you feel , or did you feel that you have to put some things in order inside your head too ?

Especially regarding your memories , opinions , your 'self' identity created over the years . Did you feel like you are changing yourself in some way ? I mean , did you feel that you are enhancing yourself as a person to be more feminine (I am focusing on MTF because it is my case ) or you just continued to be the same as before , the only difference being the awareness of having another gender that you thought ?
Did you thought and felt that your mind/gender were fully stable and clear or did you feel like some traumas and errors from the past make you be not exactly that the symbol of the gender ?

Personally , I am aspiring to pass fully as a woman both by looks and behavior / personality . That is the gender I feel , I want and I fit to . But from some reasons I tend to feel imperfect , especially looking in the past , when I identified as a boy . Is it just the mistake of self identity or maybe I do have some masculine traits or feels ? I find it hard to answer that to myself , also I noticed that I am very binary in thinking and accepting myself : although regarding others I accept and understand being on different parts on the gender spectrum and I enjoy this diversity and the uniqueness of individuals ,  for me I only need to feel that I am ticking all the criteria to be completely female by social standards and more important by the universal standards .


That brings another thing that really overwhelms me :

How did the universe intented the life to be ?
Should we look at the universe as at an Entity , like God . I know many of you believe in God , but  that alters the problem , because God it is described as being nice and carrying about the people , so that He would accept us all , he has a purpose and a reason for all .
But the Universe would be cold , an entity maybe, but no person , and clearly not nice to us , we have no 'friendship ' , it is like a business partnership : we appeared/were created  in/by the universe , and we should fulfilling our purpose to keep the Life 'alive ' , to get the specie further on . 
We all have that instinct in us , more or less .

So by this standards is the Universe binary ?
Are we (some of us  , not being on the gender extremes) , just some kind of errors ?
Did we feel ok and even special and worthy because of the society which basically we created and made it more or less tolerant with us ?

For example , until not much , I used to 'not agree' with the modern social lifestyle :  not fit , with no survival skills in the nature ,... , because that is how an animal should be . I know we are evaluated but , in the event of a society breakdown , all the people that don't have skills and health will dye, before the others who could try live in the basic way ? It just feels wrong , that we as the most evolved  forms of life are so sensitive and unfit , even 'wrong' by the universe standards .
Now I allowed myself to live , enjoy the pleasures , living in a city , having friends , enjoying life as it is now , in this society , and it feels like I found my true self

But I just don't know which one  is me anymore
I like 'living'  , not worrying , just being a people , but it seems that those principles and maybe instincts bother me .
Also it seems that I could live in both/multiple ways , even though it is nicer the way I am now .

Lately , all this transition stress really messed me up
It seems that finding my true self , I started some other confusions , maybe because I tend to live by principles and rules so much .
IT seems that I don't know that 'position' to attend regarding life and everything related with it .

[suzifrommd]

How did you view , feel and perceive(d) transition ?

Was it just a matter of clothes , documents , looks ,social interaction ... ,  or something more complex ?
Did you just feel the need to correct that things to look than the standard persons of the gender you feel , or did you feel that you have to put some things in order inside your head too ?

No, it really was a matter of changing my lifestyle.

But I'm unusual. I have my head together a lot more that many of the other transwomen I've met. I'm lucky to have had a strong supportive upbringing that so many others lack, and have been able to accept myself throughout most of my life exactly as I am.

Personally , I am aspiring to pass fully as a woman both by looks and behavior / personality . That is the gender I feel , I want and I fit to . But from some reasons I tend to feel imperfect , especially looking in the past , when I identified as a boy . Is it just the mistake of self identity or maybe I do have some masculine traits or feels ?

I still feel like a boy a lot of the time. My GT tells me this is unimportant. As long as I'm happy in my current presentation (I am) that's the direction I need to go in.

So by this standards is the Universe binary ?

I believe we bring a positive element to the universe. We help others see that gender is a home, not a prison, and encourage people to look beyond the surface.

Our species has not, in a million-odd years of evolution, rid itself of our presence. I take this to mean that there is a biological or cultural reason why we need to be here.

I believe that our brains might have developed "protection" against our gender identity into middle age so that we could remain presenting as our birth sex long enough to procreate and pass onto our children a genetic makeup that does not prevent transgender from occurring. That would explain why so many of us transition in middle age.

Only my opinion of course.

[stephaniec]

first of all, whether you believe in god or not , the universe obviously exist. Life only exists because the universe does. Life is a natural part of the universe if not to be considered the universe itself, Whether its god or fundamental laws of nature , what possible purpose would life form if the sole reason for existence was pain and suffering. would not make any degree of sense. Yes we live by laws of nature. In order to walk we work against gravity that holds us to the surface of the planet. Life is not easy because we need to work to attain things. If fruit trees were plentiful, you still need to work to get the fruit of the branch and put it in your mouth. Life a bitch but the life on the planet hasn't deemed it unworthy to not to experience it by destroying all life in protest against whatever gave life. As far as my gender dysphoria goes  I truly believe at least for my self its my genes. The only rationale I have for my being female is that for some reason my genes formed the way they did to create who I am and that is basically a female. I have both male and female genes. The same as most life on this planet. Some genes are more dominant than others. I believe for my self the female influence won control and I'm in total acceptance of that fact.

[Michelle69]

Not sure I have answers to all your questions, but here are a few things for you to consider.

To live feral or in a structured society?
It's all about the continuation of the species. We have to have society for advancement, we have to have advancement to leave this planet, we have to leave the planet to continue the species. This planet WILL end.
The God question has been debated by many people way smarter than me, and no one has answered it yet to the acceptance of all so...  What do you believe? My advice is not to get hung up on it. Think about it occasionally, believe or not believe then let it go. This I do believe, there are answers inside. Call it God, intuition or your inner brain working behind the scenes, sometimes you just have to be still enough to listen.
I cant help with the gender question, I just know. Not sure how how I am gonna deal with everything yet but I do know. Putting that aside for a second, everyone everywhere has one thing in common. They, um, lets call it changing their clothes, change their clothes every now and then. The clothes we wear now we may or may not be wearing 5-10 years from now. We all change and if we put on something now we cant take off later, it may not fit in with the rest of our wardrobe.
Not sure if any of that helps, but I do hope you find peace.

Michelle

[ClaudiaLove]

I guess one of my questions just became more clear in my mind . For those of you who didn't realize very early that you are members of another gender than assigned   :
  When you did realized and 'came out ' to yourself , accepted yourself as a transsexual , did you feel like you already fulfill all the gender requests and particularities , did you feel that you are already as any other girl (for the MTF) by society standards / scientific studies/ etc. ?
And for those who did not feel that , are you ok with being a different girl or do you try to change/enhance yourself ?


Personally , when I am honest to myself , (although it is a destructive kind of honesty ) I feel that I lack a lot of the qualities a cis girl would have , in most cases being understandable : from physics ,genetics , genitalia and a body who was affected by male puberty , to some behavior ones , as I inhibited my instincts so many years . I am now not like a boy , but more like a very depressed/resigned person , who find it difficult to express her inner feelings and moods . I am scared and embarrassed thinking how the other people will see me . And that , by itself , makes me different (in a bad way )by the common girls .
It gets me crazy thinking that I will have forever in mind the transition , the fact that I am a trans and not a regular girl and other stuff like that . I wish so much to forget all of this , the last years , to get some kind of  amnesia , a coma , and when I wake up to see myself as a girl (physically and emotionally ) and consider/identify  as one of them . To feel and be a girl not a trans girl .That would be my goal : to pass entirely as a girl , a common one you see on the street , and no feature or trait to give away my past .
But that it is harder to achieve with every day that passes , and I just hate my life .

[stephaniec]

I was in denial for a very long time. I thought a could possibly make it as a male . I sought out a lot of therapy , other issues were there that needed work before getting to gender. Well, I didn't bring up gender because I guess I was afraid to. I've had this condition since 4. I can't say what it's like to think female. All I can know is that In no instance in my life have I enjoyed male conversation. I know by the reverse. I also had a lot of females friends . Mentally it's just how I think. I just don't belong in the male world and I totally except that. I finally found an excepting therapy team and I'm transitioning and never have felt better. I plan on full time for the summer. I really can't nor do I want to hide my breasts. They have become a very important part of me.

[Everly]

i dont have the patience to answer all your questions, in large part because id never stop typing. but ill answer a couple.

as far as god, i believe in an infinite, conscious multiverse. having said that, it follows that we are thought, or derivitives of though, in some way. ill stop there with the it follows then. its the infinite.

as far as how i realized or came to the understanding that i was trans. it started with the fact that i much more easily identified with female singers and with women in general. when i started likeing female clothing styles it became rather obvious.

im told by some people that i realized much later than others did. im also told by some people that its a complete shock. both of which surprise me.

anyway.

as for how life was intended to be, i think youd have to be a fool to believe that god has a plan but deny that trans people have a right to transition for instance.

i dont think life was intended to be anything. just is.

[Jessica Merriman]

I hope I am reading your post right, here is my answer.

Being born male I never felt right or blended in with the rest. I knew what I was, but therapist's of my day thought it was mental illness and forced me by therapy and corporal punishment to accept my role in life. That role was to be a good little Alpha Dog and not rock the boat, so to speak. I lived in depression and anger most of my life because of this. My therapist thinks that since most all of the people who made me repress myself dying off lately somehow made it OK in my mind to begin transition at last. I jumped into the deep end of the girl pool and guess what? All of the repressed feminine behavior come back all at once. It actually over powered me and I passed out from over load. When I came to I was who I knew I was and was destined to be. I have not had to concentrate or watch what I do in the world. Everything is coming naturally and instinctively in how I do things. Maybe that is why it seems to those here my transition has been to easy or good to be true, but it is. I do not worry about passing, talking to people or explaining myself to those curious  enough to ask. I feel I am a woman deep in my soul and psyche that it shows in life and how I live. I feel normal and alive for the first time in my life. I feel much like I some how got off of death row in some prison. Friends who I talk to now are mostly happy for me and tell me all the time how pleasant I am to be around now and love how confident I am now in my skin. I actually get invited to social event now that I never would have years ago because of my attitude. I am told I am fun to be around now and am much more relaxed. Hope this helps some how.    

[FalseHybridPrincess]

About trans being an error of the universe...

I cant really tell
but Id be proud to be an error in a total of perfection...
they say that you cant change nature , well , we can 

I know it was hard to accept it all...but look at the bright side , even if it hurts at times , we ve been given a life more unique and authentic than most people...life has forced us to live originally and free...and im happy about that happy that im not another close minded pretender

[stephaniec]

About trans being an error of the universe...

I cant really tell
but Id be proud to be an error in a total of perfection...
they say that you cant change nature , well , we can 

I know it was hard to accept it all...but look at the bright side , even if it hurts at times , we ve been given a life more unique and authentic than most people...life has forced us to live originally and free...and im happy about that happy that im not another close minded pretender

wasn't Neo an error in the matrix