The last couple of weeks were a pretty interesting vacation, in terms of self-knowledge. Nero's thread on
non-treated GID prompted me to think on things, and that's what I did.
I'm still not entirely sure how to label myself. I'm pretty much convinved that I have a female gender identity, to the extent that I'd really love to have my body match it. It doesn't, though, and I'm not (and probably never will be) sufficiently distressed to do anything drastic. By some interpretations, the former would qualify me as TS; by some interpretations, the latter would disqualify me. Myself, I've come to the conclusion that I really shouldn't care about the labelling.
Socially, I'm something of a mix. In school and later during the year I spent in the military, it became increasingly evident that I didn't fit traditional male roles. On the other hand, that didn't seem my main issue at the time: I didn't really know what to do with myself in other respects either, so it was very easy to dismiss the gender issues as just another aspect of a more general identity crisis. I was just an introverted guy who liked to do all manner of nerdy things that didn't involve interacting with other people. And of course it was normal for a boy to want to be a girl -- all the boys in my sample of one felt that way.
Since then, I've spent the last twenty years or so constructing an identity that is mainly based on a view of myself as the permanent semi-outsider. On a lot of axes I can identify with both extremes at the same time. It's often very useful, but it also means it's hard to fit in completely: while I'm able to relate to the people I'm with, on some level I'll always view myself as a member of the other side.
Now, with regard to the gender issue, I used to consider myself neutral, in the sense of not having a strong identity either way. A few months ago it hit me that that's not really true: while I'm comfortably in the middle in most social respects, I do have a preference about intimately personal issues such as my body, and that preference is undeniably female. This means I'm a transsexual, right? That's what I thought, but looking at things a bit further I've come to the conclusion that I don't fit in there, either.
I started to try to figure out just how far and fast I'd need to go transition-wise, and the initial reaction to descriptions (and pictures) of various SRS options was a clear 'I want that!' However, having looked into my thoughts and feelings rather deeply in the last couple of months, I'm not so sure any more. Yes, various medical procedures would bring my body closer to what I think it should be, but not nearly all the way. I am in no way sure that in my case HRT and SRS would be worth the risks and side effects. I'm still seriously considering more minor procedures, though, such as getting rid of some extra body hair, or attempting to get my hairline closer to where it used to be.
As I said, socially I'm already somewhere between the two extremes. More to the point, I'm also quite comfortable there and see no reason to make significant changes in what I do or how I present myself in everyday life. In this respect a transition would really change my outward presentation from a man with a noticeable feminine side into a woman with a noticeable masculine side. Either way, I'd still be seen as sitting pretty squarely on the fence between the two genders (not that it would be too remarkable in either case).
So, all in all, I guess it's time to admit that I'm somewhere in between. I don't recognise myself in any of the androgyne sub-types that have been discussed here, though. My gender identity is different from my physical sex and social upbringing, but I believe I can even in the long term be comfortable where I am. To expand the usual metaphor, I'm a woman imprisoned in a man's body, but such an old jail bird that I would no longer adapt to being freed. Whether that makes me an androgyne is a matter of definition, but I don't think I could contest it any more.
Nfr
