Dating a lesbian - domestic abuse?

[Dan G.]

I think this is the right place to put this topic?

But for the past year I have been a victim of a sever emotional abuse cycle. I'm finally realizing that I seriously need help. I have struggled with cutting and self harm for years, and recently, she attacked me verbally over my gender and starting my transition (I just got approved for hormone therapy) she accused me of being like a trans male character on a show she watches, called the L word, and said that I was gonna go cheat on her with tons of men, and get pregnant. She accused me of scaring her because she hates men, and honestly, now that I think about it, she has been abusing me ever since I came out. She yells at me, later apologizes and makes up terrible excuses to cover herself. She says that I have to tell her when and where I am going, I'm not allowed to be late coming home without first informing her. I'm at the point where I have started to self harm again, and I fear I will be a danger to myself if I keep this up.

I really need some advice on how to go about getting free. I'm scared, and my friends are concerned, as is my family. A very dear friend of mine that has known me for years wants me to do something today, pronto, and I kinda agree because she and I are about to move into our new apartment, and I fear for what may happen without her parents there to buffer. We currently live with them, and they keep her from being too extreme. Lately, she's started drinking, and I'm afraid of her, and feel helpless and trapped. I don't know what to do or where to start.

[Nero]

Get out now before it gets worse. Yes, it sounds like emotional abuse, controlling, etc. Also, the relationship sounds doomed anyway because she has a problem with your transition, doesn't respect your gender, and doesn't trust you.

[Jess42]

I think this is the right place to put this topic?

But for the past year I have been a victim of a sever emotional abuse cycle. I'm finally realizing that I seriously need help. I have struggled with cutting and self harm for years, and recently, she attacked me verbally over my gender and starting my transition (I just got approved for hormone therapy) she accused me of being like a trans male character on a show she watches, called the L word, and said that I was gonna go cheat on her with tons of men, and get pregnant. She accused me of scaring her because she hates men, and honestly, now that I think about it, she has been abusing me ever since I came out. She yells at me, later apologizes and makes up terrible excuses to cover herself. She says that I have to tell her when and where I am going, I'm not allowed to be late coming home without first informing her. I'm at the point where I have started to self harm again, and I fear I will be a danger to myself if I keep this up.

I really need some advice on how to go about getting free. I'm scared, and my friends are concerned, as is my family. A very dear friend of mine that has known me for years wants me to do something today, pronto, and I kinda agree because she and I are about to move into our new apartment, and I fear for what may happen without her parents there to buffer. We currently live with them, and they keep her from being too extreme. Lately, she's started drinking, and I'm afraid of her, and feel helpless and trapped. I don't know what to do or where to start.

Number one, never harm yourself and please stop the cutting. There are so many other ways to let out the pain without hurting yourself or scarring yourself. Find a private place and throw pillows and scream and cuss until it's bearable.

Number two. Sometimes two people just aren't meant to be together. Just sever the ties with her and convince yourself that you two weren't meant for each other. Believe me, it's not that hard if you stand back and take a look at the pros and cons of the relationship you are in. If the cons outweigh the pros, walk away. I know. I can also tell you even though it doesn't seem like it there is someone else waiting just around the corner that could be even better for you. Emotional abuse to me is as bad if not worst than physical abuse. Your friend is right and I would definitely end the relationship as soon as possible. She hates men? Sounds to me like she's the one in need of help.

[radsi]

Hey,

I am sorry you are going through this. It does however sound like you have friends and family who love you and are concerned about you. I think you have conquered the first part of the problem by acknowledging to yourself that this is what is happening. I say you get whatever you need and go and stay at a friends or family members where you are safe. You do not want to move into a new apartment with this girl or it will be so much harder for you to break free.

Just take whatever you need for the next few days and go somewhere safe this will give you time to think and work out where u go from there. Other things can be dealt with at a later time...a friend can go collect ure other things, bills can be paid off whatever... what is of concern at the moment is you..

If this is something that you do then i know it will be hard for you but it will definitely be better for you in the long run and there is always someone here for u 2 vent to or talk too.

Feel free to inbox me if you want to chat.

Rads xxx

[Heather]

It sounds like you need to get away from her as fast as you can. She says she hates men that's her problem not yours and shows some really deep issues. You shouldn't have to put up with this abuse I know you love her but sometimes you have to love yourself enough to get out of a bad situation. Is they're anyone you can stay with family friends? Please get away from her she's not going to get better by herself she needs serious help.

[Jill F]

She sounds like she needs therapy badly.  I would run away screaming, maybe even pull a surprise disappearing act.  The last thing you deserve is a toxic relationship because of her issues.  You need support, not the opposite.  I don't get the "I hate men" thing at all.  It's just as bad as "I hate LGBTs".

Good luck to you, and hugs.

[King Malachite]

I agree with FA.  This girl will just continue to drain you emotionally until you snap or hurt yourself to the point of no return.  You need to find an alternative place to live (maybe with friends or family while you find a roomate for another apartment), get your things sorted out and break up with her.  Her hating men is a huge red flag.  Another red flag is her comparing you to an ACTor(ress) and assuming that every trans person will be like Max (the transguy on the L word) which is SO not the case.  She doesn't seem like she wants to learn about the transgender community.  Maybe she's hoping that you will "change your mind", but at any rate, the relationship isn't fruitful and I strongly advise you to break up with her and leave ASAP.

As for actually breaking up with her, you have to make that judgement call on how to do so.  Ideally, I would say to talk to her face to face about it, but if you feel as though that might put you in a dangerous situation, then it may be wiser to just find a place to stay, get your things packed up, move and then tell her.  I do think just leaving without so much as a letter or text why is rude and I wouldn't suggest it because I wouldn't want someone to do that to me, but again, you have to look at the situation and and see what will work best for you.

[Tristan]

The relationship is def not healthy for you to be in and it's triggering your self injury. You def want to try and get distance from her. Your a man and she doesn't like men. That means the abuse will only get worse. I'm sorry to say that but from the way you do scribe the situation that's the case. And you don't want to continue to self injury. People will ask about all those scars years later. Trust me on that one. Also. See if you can talk to your therapist about this