Breaking the Denial Cycle

[Alexmakenoise]

I just got out of a messed up situation.  I was with a guy who, it turned out, was lying to and taking advantage of multiple women at a time.  The thing is, I think he's gay.  I've known him for a long time and he acts attracted to men.  He doesn't act like he's attracted to women.  I'm pretty sure he's in deep denial and is creating drama with women as a distraction so he doesn't have to face his own issues.

He and I became particularly close.  I think our situations were similar.  Because I'm not openly dealing with my gender identity, I seem to be attracting people like this.  It's not healthy.  I definitely got taken advantage of.  It's a wake-up call that I need to stop being in denial or else I'll just continue to attract these kinds of people, in addition to the other problems denial creates.

I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this.  There are lots of non-binary and trans people in my life.  Almost everyone I know is accepting of people of all gender identities.

It seems I'm being held back by some deep personal issues, probably related to some messed up things in my family.  I was raised to feel like my value was defined by my feminine appearance and ability to have children.  My family has already rejected me for not being feminine enough, not being married, and not having children.  I don't really speak to them anymore, but I know that they would freak out and become hostile towards me if I came out.  I tried coming out to them a few years ago and it didn't go well.  I think it's actually one of the reasons we barely talk anymore.  Frankly, I'm scared of my family. 

It's also such a drastic change to the way I've gotten used to living my life.  I don't know how to live as a woman, but I don't know how to live as a man either.  Just because it's not something I've experienced yet.  I've been through a lot of bad stuff and I just need stability, not more chaos.  However, living a lie is perpetuating this cycle and creating more chaos.

I'm living in a state of constant detachment.  I often make choices based on what I think a woman would do in a given situation, not what I want to do.  I feel reluctant to get close to anybody.  And when I do get close to someone, they often turn out to be in a similarly unhealthy place.

It's so effed up because I'm living in the most accepting place and have the most accepting people around me.  If I didn't have these issues, I could come out and live as myself and people would admire me for it. 

I don't know why it's all so hard.  I started going to therapy, but I couldn't even bring myself to bring up my gender identity with the therapist.  Isn't that messed up?

Any suggestions for how to begin to break free from all of this would be appreciated.

[sad panda]

I don't have any great advice because I am suffering from a lot of the same stuff in various ways... it probably doesn't help but anyway I hope you can figure out what is best for you. Hugs to you and take care

[Rachel]

Send your therapist an e-mail stating you are trans* and need help dealing with your identity.

It took me almost killing myself to tell someone and that was a social worker at an intake.

I spent my life in denial. Open the cage

[Alexmakenoise]

Thank you both for the words of encouragement.  I'm really struggling with this right now. 

[LivingTheDream]

When I first decided to see a therapist to talk about all my issues, I left a message and said I was depressed. I too, didn't wanna mention my gender issues. About halfway or almost all the way into my first meeting with her is when I finally brought it up. That's one of the main reasons I started going, same as you it seems, so I had to bring it up, or else, what was the point in going? I guess I felt pretty safe about telling her, it's supposed to be private and I didn't really know her so I didn't see any harm in telling her and being totally honest with everything. I'm totally shy all time time, NEVER do i ever talk about personal issues to anybody irl, I don't have hardly any friends, and only a few family members that I see once in awhile; I'm just very awkward and uncomfortable socially, so being totally upfront and open like that is totally unlike how I usually am. I get where you're coming from with it being super hard to talk about, but your going to them to get help, but how can they help you if they don't know whats going on with you?

[Alexmakenoise]

I'm just scared because the last time I brought up being trans with a therapist, she pointed out that I was presenting as female and was in a relationship with a man.  I said I might be genderqueer and she pointed out that it's hard to go through life without choosing a binary gender.  She had worked with a lot of trans clients, so I assumed I must really be an odd one.  I felt like she was critical of my situation in an unsupportive way.  She didn't seem to understand that I wanted to work through my gender identity in therapy.  She said if I was trans, I would already know, and offered to write me a letter for T as soon as I made up my mind.

[LivingTheDream]

Seems like she was a pretty lousy therapist...Just because you had a bad experience with one doesn't mean you'll have a bad one with another. I think you should give your new therapist a chance though. And if this one turns out bad, try another! Eventually you'll find one who actually wants to help and work with you to figure things out.

[Rachel]

Wow, I agree, your 1st therapist was not very knowledgeable about trans*.

Lots of trans* dress opposite.

Gender and sexuality are connected but not the same.

You are a consumer and deserve an experience therapist in the areas you need. However, to be fair, in order to get a great gender therapist I would seek out a gender therapist.

[Alexmakenoise]

Agreed.  I'm going to find a good gender therapist and start coming out to some of my friends as genderqueer.  No more pretending to be someone I'm not for the sake of someone else.

[NathanExplosion]

Definitely don't feel bad about being in denial or being scared to transition despite having accepting people all around you. The most important person in this process is YOU. I went through similar feelings and fears, and didn't come out until I was eighteen. I don't know what did it - maybe it was spending time with three very close friends who were all also FtM. I think they gently nudged me in the right direction, especially the one who is now my current boyfriend of two years. But most of all, it was me finally sitting myself down and deciding I was absolutely not happy living as female. It's scary, learning to live as the opposite gender - the beginning is all about paranoia on how to walk, how to stand, how to use the other bathroom, how to do EVERYTHING male and fearing being judged in the process. But believe me when I say the anticipation is WAY worse than actually doing it!

I agree with the idea of sending an email to your therapist. Things are so much easier over text.