Starting HRT soon, fear and doubt

[Inazuma]

Hi everyone,

I have been posting here for the first time maybe 2 or 3 years ago, statig that I was questioning myself on my gender Identity.
Since then, there has been a lot going on.
For 2 years, I was up and down, in and out of my gender issues..
It always came back at a more frequent rate over the last 3 years.
In september 2012 I entered quite a severe depression.. I also had at that time seriuous financial issues and masters memoir to write..
The depression lasted over 5 months.
During that time, I did a lot of research on transition and transgender, I was obsess with it and couldn't think of nothing else. 
I then chose to meet a therapist from a social center in Berlin Germany.
My first appointment was in february 2013, but the second was only in july.
I took my time to take the second appointment, I was scared.. pushing back the date over and over..
I was also really busy at the time.. so I guess it was a excuse not to go there..
But non the less, I was always concerned with transition issues.. whether I should do that or not.. whether I was really trans or just silly.
During that period, I also stated to get anxiety attack 3 or 4 times, which I previously never had experienced.
So finaly in July 2013, it was enough, I went for my second private meating with the therapist.
From July to november I had meatings every 2weeks.
That helped me tremendously, it helped me to be more relax about the whole situation and to accept that part of me.
But still at that point, I was really wonderring if I was only questionning myself and that androgynity was my solution or that I would loved to transition fully.

In December I flew back to Canada for a periode of 3 months, where I am still at the moment.
When I arrived, I realized how ''kapputt'', broken, I really was.... inside out !!
I had some serious drinking issues back in Germany.. and I was really exhausted..
So for the whole month of december, I did Nothing !!
sleep, eat, sleep , eat...
But still I was thinking a lot... actually even more !!!
I had met with two trans girls, that told me there stories and what they went through...
It was really shocking to hear the story of one of them especially...
She was basicaly describing the story of my life so far...
I am 29, and she was 36 when she transitioned.. but she did exactly the same same things I was doing over and over until she couldn't held it anymore, and transitioned ..
That made my think a lot..
Do I really want to do the same patern over and over for 5, 6, or 7 more years !!
... mmm.. no !

So in january I took an appointment with a  Therapist specialized in trans identity.
Our meatings where really great !
She is fantastic !
The pace at which I ''evolved'' was astounding.
I was also making a lot of readings at the same time, which openned my eyes a lot.

Last week, my therapist and I decided that I should go on with HRT.
As much as I felt excited and relief, .. there was some serious doubting moments..
joy/doubt/joy/fear/joy/excited/doubt/etc... 

I had my blood test today, and I will get the result and the prescription in 3 weeks from now.

Same thing,... I feel really excited ! very happy about it !
But in the back of my head.. there is a voice saying.... What are you doing ! Is it really what you want !!? will you be happy fulltime girl !?
... uhhhh..

it makes me nervous...

Do you think it's normal to have thoses doubts right when your are about to start ?
... I hope I am not making any mistakes..

[Satinjoy]

My nerves centered around rejection, I had no doubts about the HRT being needed for my scenario.  But I was and sometimes continue to be nervous about the unknowns of transition.  But I live stealth dear so it could be a lot different since I don't worry about passing.  I also have no regrets, hormones have made a HUGE difference for me mentally and physically.

Watch out for the alcoholism.  I am sober 29 years in AA.  If you find you can't stop drinking even though you try, please go there.  And your anxiety and depression could also be connected to that.  They saved my life.  That was one time I did go out, I showed up at a meeting crossdressed, they helped me get through the day without drinking, with unconditional love and acceptance, and told me I really needed a better wig.  I could no longer use my transgender nature as an excuse after that. 

I did 4 months of therapy before starting HRT.  Glad I did it that way.  And no real life experience either.  My real life experience is daily, stealth, knowing exactly who I really am and not wanting to deal with the rejection of others that can't handle it.

Keep close to that therapist girl, its crucial.  Don't quit on that one.

[Inazuma]

Thank you Satinjoy,

I stopped drinking on the 4h of january, so it's been a bit more than a month so far.
I doing really well on that and it is much easier then I expected.
I was preparing mentally for a while though.

I do am worrying about passing ... I guess I will just know with time when Hormones will do there work.
But actually today I was shopping, and the clerk refered to me as Miss (coming from behind) when I turned she looked so confused !! haha ! she apologized and was really shy
It made my day !

I am maybe more worry about the fact of living as a girl fulltime, and what it implicates..
Maybe it is because when I see myself in the miror I just see a guy dressed in girls clothes... and it makes it hard to believe that I am a girl inside..

I won't quit talking to my therapist.. but I go back to Berlin in March.. so I will try to make skype appointment with her durring my stay. ( which will be from now on 6 month germany/ 6 month Canada)

[suzifrommd]

Do you think it's normal to have thoses doubts right when your are about to start ?

I sure did. I wrote a long post about how I was about to make irreversable changes in my body. Once I dove off the high dive, I knew there was no putting this thing in reverse.

FWIW, I've have loved everything about HRT. It has surpassed my wildest hopes.

[Kade1985]

I've felt very similarly to you. The whole fear doubt and yet I felt like I had to do something and questioning myself and my gender. Well I was approved for transition back in mid December, and I put it off for a bit and now I'm at the point where I need to do this. I no longer have any doubt just desperate to get started. My testosterone will be here tomorrow according to the delivery tracking system. So I'm excited for it, and like antsy to get it.

The thing that has me worried right now is my mother cause I live in her basement. Stereotypical nerd in the basement lol. Anyways, feeling the way you do is natural. It's a big change and honestly if you didn't feel nervous or anything it'd be a shock. You can do this and when you do I bet you'll start feeling a world better. I'm hopeful that I will. I had a bit of an emotional breakdown yesterday at school so after that if I had any doubts left they just flew out the window. This is what I need. If this is what you need/desire and all that then you gotta do what you gotta do.

Sorry if that sounds weird lol. A bit tired from yesterday still.

[gennee]

It's natural to have doubts and nervousness when it involves a life changing event. It's important not to empower the negative but proceed on improving your life. Others will say things even if you make positive changes, however it is YOUR life. You know what's best for you and I encourage you to go forward.

[Rachel]

It is absolutely normal to ask the questions, transition is a big change.

You always have time 3-4 months while on HRT to back out with little or no long term changes.

If you are trans* you will know soon enough while on HRT if HRT is right for you.