Am I the only one

[mowdan6]

Hey guys.  I've been doing this for years.  Still trying to find a way to complete my surgeries.  I have been dealing with a life coach and telling her that without complete surgery, there is no way I can change my situation.  Wondering if I am the only one?  I would love to get on with my life....and without completing my surgery, I see no way.  Am I the only one?  Because she keeps telling me I need to let it go.

[Nygeel]

What surgeries do you mean? What does complete surgery mean to you? What about your situation needs changing? I guess I'm not really on the same boat, at least based on how I read this.

[Ryan D]

I'm in the same kind of spot here. I don't really want to do hormones and bottom surgeries, but top surgery feels absolutely necessary. I can't look in the mirror without having a 95% chance of getting an anxiety attack, and that's while binding. The other 5% is when I'm at one angle where my chest doesn't look huge, since I have an unproportionally large chest and there's really no way to make it look like pecks. My parents are telling me that when I'm 30 we can talk about surgery, but I'm going to leave and do surgery on my own. My therapist is trying to convince me that I need to stop thinking about surgery, and she's also trying to convince me to have sex with people before I think about surgery, because she insists that sex will change my decision. Even though I'm graysexual (borderline asexual), and still in high school. So yeah, I'm not going to go searching for sex right now.


Edited for personal info.

[Adam (birkin)]

I completely agree with you, because I am having the same experience.

There are just things that I am not comfortable doing without surgery. For example, I've been wanting to try taking a martial art, but given that an injury prevents binding, it's just not an option to do anything requiring that level of contact with other people. I've also wanted to start running, as years ago I did every exercise but that...but, again, I just can't be OK doing that with boobs. There's no ifs, ands, or buts. But it's more than that...I don't hug people anymore because I don't want my boobs to squish against them, or them to realize I am wearing a bra. I also am worried people will see them, so I won't commit to anything long-term (a "real job", for example) because I don't want to have to leave a dream career over someone spotting my chest and bringing it into question.

As for penis reconstruction, I won't date, period, until it's done.

Beyond those practical concerns I just can't move on emotionally. I feel very stuck "in the middle", and it wears me down every single day. And I am angry every day, angry at the world, angry at "God." Don't get me wrong, I can live life, I'm not a hermit, but I am definitely not living a full life. I know some people come to peace with ambiguous bodies but I am not of that camp. I don't know if your coach telling you to "let it go" is really that constructive. I mean, sure, do whatever you can to make progress for surgeries - but to expect you to move on emotionally kind of is antithetical to your transsexualism. If one could "move on" (as in, accept it and feel 100% at peace - I don't mean people who are forced to accept being non-op) from being in the wrong body, they wouldn't be transsexual and wouldn't transition in the first place.

[mm]

I am with all of you wanting surgery, but have to wait until I get my degree and make the money to pay for the surgeries.  My order as of now is start E,  get top surgery, then those extra parts removed and whatever I decide on for lower surgery.  I am living as a guy now here at school with very little problem.

[stephaniec]

for me just being on HRT is great. The surgery can wait till I can get it . I'm just so happy at the changes even though its slow. I'd like to be there yesterday.

[Alexthecat]

I'm in the same kind of spot here. I don't really want to do hormones and bottom surgeries, but top surgery feels absolutely necessary. I can't look in the mirror without having a 95% chance of getting an anxiety attack, and that's while binding. The other 5% is when I'm at one angle where my chest doesn't look huge, since I have an unproportionally large chest and there's really no way to make it look like pecks. My parents are telling me that when I'm 30 we can talk about surgery, but as soon as I'm 18 I'm going to leave and do surgery on my own. My therapist is trying to convince me that I need to stop thinking about surgery, and she's also trying to convince me to have sex with people before I think about surgery, because she insists that sex will change my decision. Even though I'm graysexual (borderline asexual), and still in high school. So yeah, I'm not going to go searching for sex right now.

I would be concerned if my kids therapist is telling them to have sex.

[Hikari]

I would be concerned if my kids therapist is telling them to have sex.

This is exactly what I was thinking, not only is it inappropriate but, sex is a really personal thing, it can mess people up to do personal things when they aren't ready to.

As to the OP, I am not an FTM but an MTF, but I get where you are coming from. At one point, I just had no real hope, like I just couldn't be the woman I was without getting the surgery done (in my case I was specifically focused on FFS), and since I couldn't be who I wanted to be it basically made me ambition-less, like I felt I couldn't get traction without being me so to speak.

Like, it felt like I had this huge prerequisite to getting my life together, that I couldn't get, without already having my life together. The only thing that turned me around was, I decided that everything that worked toward that goal, was the most important thing to me. In other words, getting a better paying job became a transition related thing, just as much as getting hormones was.

Of course, now I am probably even more obsessed with getting the surgery, that I think will help me to pass (and I haven't even really given hormones enough time to do their thing completely) so that I can finally be seen as a woman by others, and treated as a woman to allow me to just get on with living my life.I still have other things I would want like SRS, but what I really seem to crave is public acknowledgement of womanhood, which is what has me fixated on FFS.

[GnomeKid]

For me the ultimate goal is complete surgery.  However, for the meantime I can certainly deal with my current circumstances (top surgery done, on T). 

Also to the person whose therapist suggested sex... obviously don't listen to them and do something you don't want to.  Thats just ridiculous.   

[Ryan B.]

I know what you mean. I'm having the same sort of issues. It's difficult to have any motivation when you wake up everyday and your body and mind just don't connect. All I want right now is to start hrt and I can't even accomplish that.

[Ryan D]

I would be concerned if my kids therapist is telling them to have sex.

Yeah, I'm just glad that I'm someone who can kind of notice when things like that aren't right... I know some people who would trust the therapist, but I've been trying to explain to her that I just don't really want to have sex, at least not yet. She keeps trying to tell me that I can't decide on if I'm actually trans until I've had sex. She also said that I can't know if I'm attracted to men or women until I've had sex with a man and a woman. She also seems to be trying to convince me that I can just be a "butch lesbian" instead of being a man, even thought I'm pansexual, so even if I were a woman I wouldn't be a lesbian.

All in all, I really don't like this therapist. Can't wait until my parents let me go see a gender specialist.

[AlexW]

Yeah, I'm just glad that I'm someone who can kind of notice when things like that aren't right... I know some people who would trust the therapist, but I've been trying to explain to her that I just don't really want to have sex, at least not yet. She keeps trying to tell me that I can't decide on if I'm actually trans until I've had sex. She also said that I can't know if I'm attracted to men or women until I've had sex with a man and a woman. She also seems to be trying to convince me that I can just be a "butch lesbian" instead of being a man, even thought I'm pansexual, so even if I were a woman I wouldn't be a lesbian.

All in all, I really don't like this therapist. Can't wait until my parents let me go see a gender specialist.

That sounds like a very ignorant therapist. I would be really concerned about this kind of person counselling anyone at all.

[Ryan55]

I'm happy with being able to just start T for now, and to start looking and sounding more masculine. Further down the line, I want to get top surgery but that's all I really need right now to feel like a man in my mind (i know it is different for everyone). But baby steps at first I guess, have to start T and then worry about the rest.

[mowdan6]

Thanks guys for the replies.  I am hoping to find a way to do bottom surgery.  I used to think that top surgery would be enough.  Had that back in 2006.  But I realize I need it all.  Just who I am.