Old Behaviors from the Old Life

[Misato]

When I'm around women, I do great! When I'm in mixed company I do great! When I'm with guys I have this habit to reverting to the coping mechanisms I had before transition. Sometimes, even I feel like "a guy in a skirt" because of how similar my behavior can be to what it was.

Anyone else experience anything like this? How do ya move past it? I've been me for over a year now and I would really like to better manage my leftover bad habits.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Misato,

Twelve months is not a lot of time in which to dissemble old habits and develop new ones.

You didn't mention how you are when just left alone to yourself. Without a crowd. How do you handle that.

How do you perceive "me" to be?

How do you perceive "me" to be in a group, with women, with other guys?    Who is "me?"

What behaviour do you expect of "me?"

I don't need to know the answer to these questions. They are for you, and you alone to answer.

Irrespective of those answers, you simply need to be VERY mindful of your place, attitude and self respect when you're round guys, until you develop the habit and attitude you're comfortable with in this situation. If this means you have to e a "wall flower" or "quiet as a church mouse", then do so; until you develop the behaviour you're comfortable with.

Huggs
Catherine

[Misato]

Alone is a good catch.

My problem is mostly the anger that guy I was had. It makes me difficult to work with and it needs to stop. Around guys it can come out so easily and I'm wondering if it's because that's how I learned to deal with guys? Worse, in the last two weeks I've had spillovers out into the other contexts of my life because I can't let frustrating things go. I want to get it under control because when I look to others in my life now for support, I think when I explain the situation, they become able to see the guy I was.

Or, being misgendered on Saturday was unrelated and I'm projecting again.

I love being with people, I'd say I even need socialization. In part so I can bounce behaviors off them to see how I feel about how I handled a situation. The main thing I know from those interactions is the righteous indignation I can put on display has to go. Other women can get away with it but because of my history, on a personal level I can't.

[Carrie Liz]

Don't know if you've noticed, but the way that cis-women talk and behave around men changes also. I've noticed this with one of my supervisors at work... when she's with other women, her voice gets higher, and more dynamic, and she's more "airy" in the way she talks about things. Where when she's around the other 4 male supervisors, it's almost like she's afraid of being more feminine. She gets a lot more serious, and speaks in a more blunt tone of voice with more aggressive mannerisms, more straightforward and more seemingly defensive and confident.

[Misato]

She gets a lot more serious, and speaks in a more blunt tone of voice with more aggressive mannerisms, more straightforward and more seemingly defensive and confident.

That's very interesting. Maybe I'm overcompensating? I'm going to chew on that, thanks!

[Misato]

OMG!

What was I trying to do for 34 years but pass as a guy and fit in? So one habit, when I'm dealing with a lot of guys, leads to another? Interesting.

Thanks again Carrie.

I doubt it's the only thing in play but I can so see where it could be a relevant component.

[April Lee]

Oh gosh, I could write a book on this subject. I have spent a considerable amount of my life trying to be as masculine as possible. This has been the entire subject of several of my therapy sessions. I think some of that was an attempt to repress my internal feelings. If I could just act masculine enough, the internal feelings would go away.

And I think some of that was attempt to look the part of what I thought was demanded of me. I feared somebody seeing through me, so I tried to compensate.

As I look to bring out woman within me, I am confronted by a series of responses and behaviors that I have learned over decades. They impact everything I do, including the phrases I use and how I physically move. This is especially comes out in a situation where I am around a bunch of guys. I see these as protective responses built largely on fear, some of which is probably well founded. It is a hard thing to change in a short period of time.

[Jess42]

Don't know if you've noticed, but the way that cis-women talk and behave around men changes also. I've noticed this with one of my supervisors at work... when she's with other women, her voice gets higher, and more dynamic, and she's more "airy" in the way she talks about things. Where when she's around the other 4 male supervisors, it's almost like she's afraid of being more feminine. She gets a lot more serious, and speaks in a more blunt tone of voice with more aggressive mannerisms, more straightforward and more seemingly defensive and confident.

I have definitely noticed the same thing. I have a tendency to notice a lot about people and their interactions and this is not an isolated instance. I really don't think its that she is afraid to be more feminine but acting more masculine and aggressive and confirming her place in the hierarchy of office. This I have noticed all across the board with office settings, construction sights, automotive shops, pretty much the whole world in which women hold the same positions of their male counterparts.