My largest pain point

[sam79]

I feel like venting and describing my largest pain point in my life. I'm not looking for support or help, this is something that only time can heal. And my cis friends cannot understand the depth of loss and pain in this.

I missed out on living what feels the most important part of life, growing up. All those years from childhood through to being a young adult. Sure I saw those years, but didn't really live them. They weren't mine. It wasn't my life and those years were hollow and empty.

There's so much pain in those years and experiences missed. It can bring me to my knees at times, or bring me to tears at others. I miss it all. From every social aspect of growing up as a girl, to growing up through early teens and watching my body change, to becoming a young woman with the world and her entire life in front of her... There are countless experiences in those years that I never had the chance to experience. They've left a hole in me.

Yes, some of these experiences missed I do get to experience now or later, and certainly have a deep appreciation for them beyond what any non trans* person could know. But the scars of what I cannot get back run deep, and may never completely fade.

I miss being a girl at school.
I miss sleepovers with friends.
I miss wearing all of those cute childhood outfits that adults can't get away with.
I miss being able to use school change rooms without crippling dysphoria.
I miss being able to pursue dance and the arts.
I miss early teen years, the flood of emotions.
I miss changes to my body as it develops.
I miss learning all about my body and how it works.
I miss having my very first period.
I miss the whole crazy years of puberty.
I miss all of the sexual discovery, and learning that I like girls while in the right body.
I miss being able to flaunt it,as a late teen
I miss my first cute car
I miss moving out from home and moving in with my friends

I could continue but it doesn't help.

With time and facing the pain, and letting it out, I hope it will one day heal.

[ClaudiaLove]

God , it is so weird , just a few minutes before reading it  i realized that this is one of the things that bothers me constantly and often unconsciously . All the things i didn't do. All the common teen girl memories i don't have . I am always starting to cry when i see little girls  enjoying themselves , bevahing naturally , growing and developing into women , when i see teen girls doing their specific crazy-cute things . Even worse , probably i will never feel being on the same page with them , because i know i lack all those things and because society will always remind me that i am a trans .
I don't want to heal that though , after all i won't be able to go back in time and fix it anyway.
I guess i partially enjoy crying for hours , it makes me feel alive , i prefer to be sad as 'me' rather than cheerful as a 'boy'  , and partially i hope that the pain will motivate me to enjoy what is left of my life and never forget who i am again . I just started therapy ,and i have many things to fix , but i hope i will always have these regrets inside . 

[FilaFord]

Well this was beautiful and sad at the same time. Definitely going to be talking about this at my next therapy session because I think a lot of my insecurities about transitioning stem from this... It's kind of cool but kinda crappy to be almost thirty but not having experienced a full year of the rest of my life yet!

[Jamie D]

There is no use crying over spilled milk.  It's spilled.  It's gone.

Use what you have learned from your own unique experience and forge a way forward.  Not every natal girl has those experiences, nor does every girl treasure them if they did.

[Ms Grace]

I have to agree with Jamie. I understand it hurts to feel you didn't get the opportunity to experience those things, heck I went an all boy's school and that was pretty bleak for all the reasons you listed above and then some.

I know you didn't ask for support about his but I'll just suggest you focus on the here and now and your future. To use a few well worn platitudes, what is done is done and dwelling on the past won't change a second of it...but what it does is stop you from moving forward and enjoying your life now. Don't get to wherever you'll be in ten years time and have regrets about all the time you spent regretting the past and not seizing the currently available opportunities. The past is the past...carpe diem!

[sam79]

Please don't misunderstand this. Feeling this way over a past lost actually serves as motivation for me now. It doesn't hold me back or prevent me from living life. Actually the opposite. It's motivation to make the most of my life now.

Still, that missed past is something I mourn and something that does cause tears. And it's normal I think. It's something which will be with me for life, and will always motivate me to make the most of what I have.

[Alaia]

[ClaudiaLove]

Cool , funny and full of wisdom 

[kathyk]

Something absolutely wonderful happens as you transition.  At some point we all just kind of start not caring that we missed those things.  For some reason they no longer matter.  For me it all came together when I went full time and really began my authentic life.  And even if it happens at different times for each of us, don't worry because someday you'll wake up and those type of things won't even cross your mind.

[Ltl89]

I too have been mourning the childhood and teenage years that I never got to experience.  All the things that a young woman gets to go through are important to shaping her character.  I'll never have those memories nor will I get a chance to relive those years with the correct gender.  It's a tough thing to deal with.  At the very least,  we are making up for it and finally getting to live the right way.  Still, it hurts.  Sorry you are also feeling this way.