Hoping to find a way out...

[thevaliantx]

Almost lost my child for good the last time but was able to convince my wife and myself that I was done transitioning.  Over the past four years I have tried to do the manly thing.  Purging my makeup, clothes and wig.  Doing away with my HRT.  Growing a beard or goatee.  It's catching up with me, though.  I have tried to convince myself that if my wife will just lose the weight (she is obese) that I will be more attracted to her, that she will make me want to be a man again; yet, I hope that she fails so that I can be justified in changing my own body.  If it weren't for our child being so young or my income being so low it would be easier to just share custody of our son, but this being Kentucky I'm not sure I would be that lucky.   I dont have a super masculinecface but am not getting any younger, euther!  Anyone else here in a similar predicament? 

[Jessica Merriman]

Your story and dilemma are so familiar to all of us here. Most of us went through the same issue's such as purging and thinking someone else could change our minds. You can put transition off and justify it however you want to, but the Dysphoria will get stronger every day of your life until you are bitter, depressed and filled with regret. It is so not fair for us all to be put into this position of picking one or another. I got to a live or die moment after years of repression and living for everyone else, but me. Nothing anyone else does with looks or actions will ever take away how you feel inside right now. I am pleading with you to find a therapist who has gender experience and talk with them, please? I think it would be so beneficial for you. Good luck baby!

[thevaliantx]

I have been through all this before, but I do understand that it doesn't mean that therapy is no longer beneficial to me.  The immediate problem I have Is how do I go about addressing this through therapy, in secrecy, and move forward in a way that at least in part gives me what I want.  At this point I would be happy to just be able to go on hormones with the agreement that I live a double life.  I also would love to have long hair (wIt a wig of course).  I don't know if my wife is oblivious to all this or if she is just keeping her mouth shut because she is getting what she wants (marriage, June cleaver lifestyle).  I am not very good at these introduction threads.  Maybe this thread could just be moved?  I don't like that I have made numerous references, jokingly, to how I "could just end it all and everyone would be happy".

[Jessica Merriman]

It is almost impossible to live in secrecy with this. The emotional toll is just too high. You will come to a point where you will have to decide what is best for you. Even when you think you are hiding well, you will slip up and everything will become obvious. Even the best under cover police officers I worked with fail at some point. Real life will intrude in their work life and it is not a pretty picture. Eventually the line will get so thin it will blur and you will really be in psychological turmoil. One day you will be forced to make a decision because this issue will not go away or be repressed for very long. This is one of the reasons for the high suicide rate for us. The brain can only take so much before it shuts down.

[Jamie D]

Welcome to the site, Valiant.

These links will help you navigate the site:

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I have found that external factors can only work against us.  It is what comes from within that counts.

I hope you can find the balance you need to be happy.

[thevaliantx]

Thanks everyone for your live and wishes.  You are the only resource at this point.

[helen2010]

Reaching out for support and advice is the first and most difficult step.  Under stress and under attack is not a good place to be.  It certainly isn't a good space in which to make significant decisions.  I agree that finding an experienced gender therapist is absolutely essential. As we of all people know best there is no single answer to your situation.  Unless you are at a crisis point then it is unlikely to demand a binary outcome.  With skilled help you will make the decision or decisions which will work best for you now and in the future.  Along the way you will likely consider hrt - low, transition or variable dose, feminising or androgenising your presentation, body and spirit perhaps part time or full time etc
Without a skilled therapist the GD could well intensify and your health, key relationships and spirit will likely suffer.  Prior to finding and working with a skilled therapist (there are many therapists, but few are truly skilled and fewer still will prove a great fit) I cycled through purging, denial and other dark places.  It wasn't until I understood what a friend was saying that until I accepted responsibility and sought growth and change, that I would continue to repeat this experience, that I broke through, crafted a new path and moved forwards.
Hope this helps.
Safe travels.
Aisla