Recurring Doubt

[Bari Jo]

I know most of us have experience in this.  I have quite a bit and its the reason that I have stopped transition a few times before.  Its also one reason im on pellets and not another delivery.  Pellets is not easy to quit and i did not want a way that quitting is easy.  Still it is starting to hit me again.  I know that the GD will come back with a vengeance if I quit again.  Logically i know from history what is in store.  Still i cant help but have the doubt.  Can some of you offer your coping mechanisms?  I need to hear alternatives right about now.

Bari Jo

[JoanneW]

Sometimes I have the odd doubt too. When I do, I just remind myself what it was like back on T with the dysphoria. However much doubt I was having on E was nothing compared to the dysphoria on T.

[RobynTx]

I have to say that my GD is way down since I came out to my wife.  I don't have much of the frustrations like I used to.  I think the only thing that keeps me from stopping the HRT is that I made a goal and I will reach it.  Yes there will be bumps in the road and I have hit a few but nothing is stopping me.  Just got to be stubborn I guess. 

[Jayne01]

I start doubting myself usually when I am at work. I work in an all male environment. When I am busy with work my mind is occupied with what I am doing and I forget about the dysphoria for a while. When the busy period is over I then realise that the dysphoria was gone and then I try to tell myself that I can beat this. I can be a normal guy. I haven't managed to beat it yet.  The last few days at work, when these doubts come to me, I ask myself if I was alone on a deserted island, would I want to be male or female. The answer is always female. That helps me get my mind back to where it needs to be.

[Bari Jo]

The last few days at work, when these doubts come to me, I ask myself if I was alone on a deserted island, would I want to be male or female. The answer is always female. That helps me get my mind back to where it needs to be.

I like this.  I will add this to my coping methods.  Also Robyn, you mention your GD is much lower after coming out.  For me, my GD feels gone when ive been on hrt a while.  Thats when doubt strikes.  Its almost like im more convicted to transition when i do have GD.

Bari Jo

[Megan.]

I have a terrible memory,  so I often forget all the choices and moments that have brought me to where I am.
But when I think back through them,  the path forward becomes clear again. I can't go back, so forward! [emoji5]

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[KathyLauren]

I remind myself of the symtoms that, in hindsight, made me think I might be trans in the first place. 

The need to cross-dress, and the relief I felt when I did, were not imaginary.  Those things were real.  Wanting to be a girl when I was little was real.  Being repulsed by men and male culture was real.  Wanting to do stereotypically-feminine things (baking and knitting) was real. 

And now, I can add the things that have happened since I started transition.  The quieting of disturbing mental chatter since I started HRT.  (I won't describe the offending imagery, as it could be triggering for some, but I am really glad it is gone.)  The sense of joy and liberation I feel when I am myself in public. 

These things are all real.  They are not something I have invented in a moment of craziness.  When I have doubts, I remind myself that I would have to pack away all of them and pretend that they were not real if I were to give in to the doubts.  I lived that way for 60+ years, and if made me miserable. 

The doubt doesn't last long.

[Bari Jo]

My memory is good, too good, but my imagination is better.  I can imagine away my issues.  I think i will keep a list of symptoms and relirf i felt from transitioning at the ready for times like this.

Bari Jo

[Lynne]

Sometimes it hits me that if I'd die this instant, I would be buried as a man. That thought freaks me out every time and puts everything back in place.

[FinallyMichelle]

When I finally accepted that I had to transition at 44, I didn't have many doubts. When I did I would ask myself;

If not now, when? You are 44 Michelle, you know that it will never go away. If not now, when? 54? 64? Don't you want to live, at least a little, the life that you've always known that you should?

Anyway, that's what eased any doubts that I had.

[I Am Jess]

I knew I needed to transition and shortly after starting HRT I publicly came out and within two months I had legally changed my name and gender.  I just dove into the deep end of the pool and basically didn't leave myself any room to second guess myself.  Since I have come out I have owned being a transwoman and I am so glad that I went all in very early on in the process.  Since I was older I didn't want to waste any time.

[Colleen_definitely]

Painting yourself into a corner like Jess mentioned is really effective.

I took a similar route and any time I had doubts I did something to further my transition.  I'm full time now and still have doubts and fears.  I just remind myself that I'm not going to be a wrinkled old man dying of liver failure after drinking myself to death to avoid GD, because that's the path I was on.  Avoiding the mental trap of thinking about when GD wasn't causing me problems is still hard to do admittedly.

[Sarah_P]

I have doubts crop up here and there. Most of the time it isn't really doubt about needing or wanting to do this, it's just my old lazy, take-the-easier-path attitude (born from depression born from GD.....  ). I have to shake that off & remember just how miserable I was before this, and all the friends I've made & rediscovered since starting!

[Bari Jo]

Michelle, Jess, Colleen, yes your options all seem effective.  I havent mentiined, but im 47 and have battled this forever and saying if not now then when gives me strength.  I also love the idea of painting myself into a corner and going all in.  Ive been trying to do this by pushing the envelope of femininity.  The latest will be ear piercing abd that will push the envelope and paint me into a corner.  I need more people to know im really Bari Jo too.  Ill start picking and choosing who i want in my support system.  If they know, they will also be disappointed in me if i stop.

Bari Jo

[Bari Jo]

If i missed thanking anyone, I really do appreciare all the responses.  I feel like you are giving me a nice warm hug.

Bari Jo

[Colleen_definitely]

One step at a time, they all add up.  It doesn't even have to be something super noticeable, even laying groundwork was a big help for me.  Prepare documents, do research on how to deal with the legal side of this.