Hi Everyone!
Alright, First off I cannot figure out for the life of me why I misspelled my own preferred name when I registered last nite as I never, ever spell it like that. The preferred spelling is Mackenzie so if there is anyway I could get that fixed I would greatly appreciate it.
Anyway, I have been lurking on this site for the past week and everyone here seems pretty nice. I have registered on other TG sites before but my activity has always been very sporadic and it has taken me a very long time to come to terms with whatever I am going through, and I am still in the process of it. I still don't even know exactly what I should consider myself or what steps to take, but it has really gotten to the point that I have to start doing something somewhere or things will only get worse.
I have always had a strong envy of Girls and when I was younger I would always have this certain feeling when I was around them, I always envied their beauty, their personalities, and the way they were treated, and I always felt like I wanted to be apart of that but it wasn't really until I was much older that I really understood what this was or that there was any kind of name for it. I still don't even technically know what it is exactly, all I do know is that if there was an easy way I could give up my current life as a male and live as a beautiful woman instead, I would do it without question.
The thing is though, I really don't know what to do at this point. I have an extreme fear of rejection and being alone, so I am deathly afraid of what my family and friends would think if they found out about this. I have only ever told a very few select friends about this ever, and I am already very lonely and depressed as it is so it would be devastating to me to potentially lose what little I have if I were to come out about this. I do have a job but I don't drive, and I don't really make a lot of money so although I have my own living space technically, I still live on my parent's property in a separate structure from the main house and my Grandfather lives down stars. My Mom also helps me manage my finances and stuff since I have Asperger's Syndrome and sometimes things like that can be difficult for me. The main problem for me though is that I really feel restricted due to all of this and so I don't have too much freedom to do anything like seeing a Gender Therapist without it becoming everyone's business. I have no privacy when it comes to taking care of personal business I'd rather not let everyone know about and I just feel lost. I have had alot of crap to deal with lately and my Gender Dysphoria only seems to have gotten worse and has added to my depression.
I just want to know what I can possibly do right now to make myself feel better and help myself without having to tell everyone about this.
-Mackenzie
