My dad said i'll make an ugly girl and transition is unessescary....

[PrincessPatience]

I'm so confused and sad right now... When i first came out to my dad as transgender he was supportive of me being happy and saying he understands.. For 4 months later or today.  We were out for dinner for my 21st birthday. We were talking then i brought up how i'm taking hrt and hormones thinking he would be supportive like he said... Well it didn't happen.. He was getting angry and said he never wants to talk about it ever again. My mom was there too... She thinks i haven't "lived life as male" long enough to know that i'm really a girl.. All this brought back my feelings of doubt and hopelessness. It's taken me so long to even accept myself now.. My parents mostly my dad thinks i'm forcing and convince myself as something i'm not and that "someone is talking to online and influencing me". Which is totally bull. Idk what do.. Its just hard.. They kept asking me who was i attracted too but i won't tell them because i don't want them thinking this is anything close to being gay and that it's strictly gender. Which is what my mom is having hard time warping her head around. She also thinks that there is no such thing as "female brain" and i'm putting myself in a box and not being open minded to other options. When in reality it's exactly the opposite. I have other siblings and my dad kept reinforcing that tonight as if i'm some burden to him now. I know he loves me but it's just hard. I didn't except my birthday dinner to turn out like this.  It's making me feel bad and hating myself for transitioning.

[Jessica Merriman]

You are 21 and an adult. Do it by yourself baby, you don't need their blessing, do you? Live for yourself and make you happy. 

[Emily.T]

Basically you have to work out what's right for you we don't transition to please others and we shouldn't have to be depressed because of other people if you think that transitioning is what is going to bring you peace and happiness then I think it's what you must do but that's only my opinion.

Good luck with your journey

Emily.T xx

[Dee]

Oh, hon!  Just to get this out of the way first, you're beautiful.  Yeah, it could be taken as lip service, that anyone with the courage to transition is inherently beautiful.  They are.  But I just looked up your posts to refresh my memory, and you're gorgeous.  I do not think you have anything to worry about on a physical level.  You are already a beautiful woman.

But I feel so much for you.  At 21, to feel like you don't have the support of your parents has to be such a weight.  Yes, you are an adult- you can do this on your own.  But when you're so young, and when you don't have your own family yet, that parental approval is something we so badly want, and convince ourselves we need.  Having to transition between genders is tough, and pairing it with the transition to an adult life is certainly not easy.  And I know from experience- having people who pop up and challenge your transition when you've been having a good streak can be such an emotional nosedive.

You have to be strong, and I know you will be.  I hope your parents turn around.  If your dad was supportive in the beginning, there's a chance he can turn around later, too.  Everyone has a different grieving/coping process, and sometimes we have to go through a cycle...even if it means saying some harsh things we wish we didn't.  Just remember that they're you're parents.  They love you, and while it's difficult to understand, they're motives are rooted in love, even if they are a bit misguided.

[Janae]

Do NOT let other people project their bs onto you.

My mother has been making little remarks like, "How do you know you'll be happy once this is done"? "What if you don't look like what you want"? She even resorted last week to bringing up Leviticus and basically equating gender to being gay. I know she loves me but it's all her own fears which I made her confess 2 days ago. These are all scare tactics people use to deter us.

This is YOUR life and no one can live it for you. So what if you end up a ugly girl?? Life will still go on and as long as you're happy that's all that matters.

Keep ya head up and tune out anything and anyone who isn't positive.

Your father will get over it, he has no choice.

[Jamie D]

Princess, I am sorry your birthday was ruined.  If you are seeing a therapist, try to set up a session for your parents to attend, so the therapist can explain gender dysphoria.

I am not going to try and influence you or convince you that you are transgender.  Either you are or you aren't.  It is a condition that will keep nagging and gnawing away at you.  Some of us cope with out a partial or full transition.

There is real, scientific evidence about female brains in male bodies.  There is real scientific evidence about hormonal imbalances and the effect on a fetus in the womb.

You are not a "burden" to anyone.  You are a human being with a fundamental natural right to be your authentic self.

[Arch]

It looks like your father is having one of those backlashes that some parents go through. It seems to happen a lot. He's angry and disappointed, and he says hurtful things. But he's wrong. Only you can decide whether transition is right for you.

And you can't possibly make an ugly girl...that's just insane. Speaking of just physical looks, I think you are very fortunate, based on the pics I have seen. You look lovely, and I'm sorry that your father does not see it.

[Ms Grace]

Can't add anything to what everyone else has said - sorry to hear you were treated that way, but please realise they don't have the answers to everything especially when it comes to knowing what is right for you, only you can know that.

[Jane's Sweet Refrain]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I should first get out of the way that you are already a beautiful woman.

The support of parents, though ultimately unnecessary, is worth having, and their response has to feel like a set-back. Now seems the time for gentle insistence (if you can muster it). It's got to be hard to be the grown-up around adults who are emotionally immature, but they haven't yet dealt in any way with the fact that it's wrong to have expectations that their child (in this case beautiful daughter) be anything other than what she wants to be. You should not have to subject yourself to abuse, but continuing with determined resolve will keep you on the path than you were born to be on, and give them the time to grow into understanding. (It's not that neat, I know. But your case seems far from hopeless).

Best wishes,
Jane

[JaneNicole2013]

I'm sorry to hear about this. I can imagine some parents have difficulty accepting this in their children. As someone else suggested, if you are seeing a therapist, try to set up an appointment with your parents. If you are *not* seeing a therapist, I would find one ASAP.

Also, try to do some research for your parents. They sound religious, which may be a tough battle to fight, but didn't a well-known minister (Pat Robertson maybe?) actually give the okay for someone to be transgendered? I don't know, but I think he's the same one who told someone it was okay to have an affair since his wife has Alzheimer's, so I don't know how much cred he has these days.

As for your outcome, this is an issue we ALL deal with, but just like REAL women, you never know how you're going to turn out until AFTER you go through puberty (with HRT). It's all a crapshoot--for us and for them. Women come in all shapes and sizes and I work with some very unattractive women and take pride in knowing that even before transition, I'm probably the best looking woman of the group (there are only three of us). But the thing is--they ARE women and I came to the realization a few months ago that I'd rather be an unattractive, matronly looking woman than an unhappy man.

That's my two cents worth. The important advice here is "get the to a therapist" and try to get your parents to go along too. And pull up some research for them about the biochemistry of gender dysphoria. That might help.

[robin s]

You have to do what you feel in your heart is right for you.If you don't in the long run it won't matter how anyone else feels about it. You have to be your first line of support. I love my family to death but I have gone down the road of doing things or not doing things to make them happy and it is an epic fail. I did much better being polite but firm in telling them how I was going to live my life. Yes there were issues and that was well before I knew I was trans but the idea is the same.

[bunnymom]

Oh sweetie, that's difficult. I am the Mom of a transgirl. It's hard for us too. I wiould gladly tell you that parents don't see you as objectively as 'outsiders'. You are not their dreams or expectations.  Please don't try to be . It's so very important to work for your own goals.
I hope they will be more supportive in the future.
Try to accentuate the positive and minimize the negativity.
If You wish to hear more from the point of view of an imperfect Mom, let me know. I'll be honest. It's not all about them.

[April Lee]

My father pretty much urinated on everything I ever did, his entire life. He could never give a compliment without qualifying it in someway: "That was much better than that time you really screwed up".

When I was young and still living at home, I once got a job that I was very proud of. When I told my dad, he did little more than nod in response to my achievement. About a day later, I noticed he had put a picture of Bill Gates on the refrigerator, and asked him about it. He simply said, do you realize that Gates was the richest man in the world at exactly your age. I immediately understood that was his actual response to me getting that job.

I became very angry at my father, and knew it, but until he died a few years back, I didn't thoroughly realize how much he had impacted the my life. I tried to always be more than him in every way, but tried to break his rules as to how I got there. But by doing that, I ended up living exactly his agenda and not my own. That strangely involved incorporating a fair amount of machismo. There were many moments where my dysphoria was overwhelming, and I thought about dealing with it, but there was always my father's voice in the back of my mind. I felt like I was handing him a golden opportunity to trash me, if I ever came out. All I can say here is this: don't make the same mistake I did and let somebody else set the agenda for your life.

[JasperStatik]

Hun, you can do this on your own. You deserve it. You are beautiful in every way and you should be proud. Love yourself. <3 Sorry if I sound like a broken record. But just go for it. You can do it.

[Jill F]

My father pretty much urinated on everything I ever did, his entire life. He could never give a compliment without qualifying it in someway: "That was much better than that time you really screwed up".

When I was young and still living at home, I once got a job that I was very proud of. When I told my dad, he did little more than nod in response to my achievement. About a day later, I noticed he had put a picture of Bill Gates on the refrigerator, and asked him about it. He simply said, do you realize that Gates was the richest man in the world at exactly your age. I immediately understood that was his actual response to me getting that job.

I became very angry at my father, and knew it, but until he died a few years back, I didn't thoroughly realize how much he had impacted the my life. I tried to always be more than him in every way, but tried to break his rules as to how I got there. But by doing that, I ended up living exactly his agenda and not my own. That strangely involved incorporating a fair amount of machismo. There were many moments where my dysphoria was overwhelming, and I thought about dealing with it, but there was always my father's voice in the back of my mind. I felt like I was handing him a golden opportunity to trash me, if I ever came out. All I can say here is this: don't make the same mistake I did and let somebody else set the agenda for your life.

OMG, I think our dads must have been separated at birth.  I stopped caring what my dad thought when I was in high school.  When I caught the same hell for doing the exact opposite of what I caught hell for the last time, all his credibility went out the window. 

[mrs izzy]

You need to get the Charlie Brown adult language in your mind.

When they start talking stupid you need to just hear Waawwa, Waawwa, Waawwa.

With family like that who really needs enemies.

You are a adult, and what i would have said was thank you for being so understanding and supportive when i need it the most.

Then just got up and walked away. Never stand there and take stupid hurtful disrespect.

I heard that from my X wife all the time. She lost, in the end i won.

Be honest with yourself. You are who you are and no one can take that away. Learn to walk away and stand your ground on principle.

Hugs
Isabell

[PrincessPatience]

Thank you everyone for commenting, sharing your stories and caring to even post. I will take your advice.  I'm slowly accepting the possibility that my dad may never come around. I'll just continue forward and look towards MY future and happiness. I'm feeling better about the situation now even though it may not be ideal.

[stephaniec]

Thank you everyone for commenting, sharing your stories and caring to even post. I will take your advice.  I'm slowly accepting the possibility that my dad may never come around. I'll just continue forward and look towards MY future and happiness. I'm feeling better about the situation now even though it may not be ideal.

yes your future and your happiness

[Tristan]

Parents say that kind of stuff. My dad told me I was going to be a ugly girl too and not to talk about any girly stuff around him. He changed and I'm obviously not ugly. Give your parents so time. My dad started really treating me like his daughter when my breast started to come in and he walked into my bedroom without knocking (always said it's his house and wouldn't knock) . Well that changed everything. And as I got older and guys started liking me he noticed I wasn't ugly. I think your parents will come around . It's normal for them to try and talk you out of it this early

[Teela Renee]

My father said the same thing, and did a lot of other emotional abuse. and man was he wrong. id like to think i turned out cute.