Reminder that, despite being so fem/pretty, we still deem you a BLOKE.

[boddi]

I feel SO alone, yet surrounded by people. Dreadful. I may as well be on my own.  I would actually prefer to be. It's better than being reminded what a freak I am. Better than a whole wasted day of my time and a day of gender depression.  Evidently, relatives deem me '''neuter'': when all the female relatives get a kiss on the cheek as the males come or leave. Of course, the males don't get kissed by the other males; just a ''bye mate!'' But, oh, I'm meant to be grateful...for I get a 'unique' handshake! So basically I'm being told that I'm neither male nor female.  oh no, no matter how feminine I am, I'm still a bloke, apparently, as denoted by my non-kiss goodbye.  Can anyone relate?   No wonder so many people commit suicide at this time of year...

[CalmRage]

I feel SO alone, yet surrounded by people. Dreadful. I may as well be on my own.  I would actually prefer to be. It's better than being reminded what a freak I am. Better than a whole wasted day of my time and a day of gender depression.  Evidently, relatives deem me '''neuter'': when all the female relatives get a kiss on the cheek as the males come or leave. Of course, the males don't get kissed by the other males; just a ''bye mate!'' But, oh, I'm meant to be grateful...for I get a 'unique' handshake! So basically I'm being told that I'm neither male nor female.  oh no, no matter how feminine I am, I'm still a bloke, apparently, as denoted by my non-kiss goodbye.  Can anyone relate?   No wonder so many people commit suicide at this time of year...

don't do it. DON'T

[Ms Grace]

boddi, you are not a freak and please don't let other people's behaviour towards you influence how you feel about yourself. I know that's easier said than done but please remember you a special, individual person, yes you are struggling with how you feel about yourself but that is perfectly normal and you need to be careful and loving with yourself. Judging by the "bloke" and "mate" in your post I gather your Australian, yes? So am I! There is a very bizarre male culture in Australia, especially in the country, non city areas...it's built around blokes being blokes and they really don't know how to deal with someone that doesn't fit into that nice little "bloke" package. It's a bit too much for them to comprehend, they don't know how to "relate" to difference. The problem isn't with you, it is with them. Please don't do anything to harm yourself, you might potentially rob yourself of an opportunity to live your life to the fullest as the person you want to be, surrounded by people who do understand you and treat you as you feel you should be. Hugs, Grace.

[RosieD]

I get a 'unique' handshake!

I'm hearing you lovely, it's a bit of a bugger isn't it.  I can see three ways of looking at it, either:

a) they're a bit uncertain about how to deal with things and don't quite have the wherewithal to ask you how to behave appropriately,
b) they aren't even aware of what they are doing, or
c) you are utterly smoking hot and they dare not give you a peck on the cheek for fear that they will dissolve into a dribbling pile of lust.

If it were me I would assume (c) until explicitly told otherwise.

Rosie.

[Vicky]

I am just sitting here shaking my head with a sad, sour smile on my face.  As the others have pleaded with you, do not consider self harm as a result of what they are doing.  Even people who care deeply about me, and would be hurt if they knew I was hurt have trouble understanding me and the whole Trans* thing.  All it will take though is for ONE of the other cis males in the group to give you a hug and kiss on the cheek, and the curse will be over.  I still get the "unique handshake" from time to time, and even some people who used to give me a "blacksmith special grip" handshake that left my hand sore for several minutes have trouble toning the crush down and its almost funny these days when the remember and "pull off" in mid squeeze since they get a pained look on their face stopping from applying too much pressure.  At four and a half years on HRT, and three years full time some people don't remember to remember or use the sense of a rotten radish. 

[boddi]

Thanks everyone.  Truly.  But I actually didn't mean literally that I was going to end my life.  Just that this is all terribly depressing and gender-dysphoria-triggering.  In fact, more so than when pre-transition, when at least I looked like a male.   If you get what I'm saying?

[cynthialee]

I get that also...
sucks but I refuse to let their opinions define me or impact me.

I live my life well and they can kiss my butt.

[Robin Mack]

It may come down to refusing to visit them unless they agree to treat you like one of the girls.  Perhaps new friends and new "found family", a group of allies who support the new you, would go a long way next year?

It's just a suggestion, and worth exactly what you paid for it, love, but I've found much more support and acceptance that way.  Even love... and you wouldn't be the first woman to not visit her family because they couldn't accept her the way she is.  I know a number of CIS women who do the same.

*hug*

[SuzieB]

It is extraordinarily difficult when people do not recognize your new gender status. Especially family and close friends. I get that, and I have similar issues. Most of my close family still refers to me as "he", though they're usually doing it by accident. I look at it this way, they loved me enough to support me through transition, so I love them enough to allow them to deal with my transition in their own unique personal way. I have noticed over the last year that things are getting better, and more and more I'm being accepted as a woman. I think it takes people time to get used to the idea, for their synapses to rewire. Don't read into it too much, don't rush them, don't judge them, and be confident in yourself and your femininity. After all, you only have control over your own thoughts and emotions, and yours are the ones that count the most. Also, your confidence will inform their behavior.

[sazzy]

They probably feel unsure about what to do, themselves. I know my male friends are, so here what you do, take the bull by the horns and teach them how to act with you. Next time they go for the hand shake, grab them and give hug to the first guy, it don't matter if he don't hug you back, just give him one. The rest will have seen and now feel that hugging you is acceptable and is what you want, and will feel even less comfortable to be seen to not conforming to this new social rule, that they will hug you even if it will initially be strange for them. After the first hug, that goes and next time you see them,it'll just come naturally. Try it

[anjaq]

It takes time. My relatives needed a lot of time, some years, to warm up to fully accepting this. I think it can be faster than that but for me after 10 years it was that my mother really gives me a loving hug, not a "I hug you because you expect it"-hug. And in part it is because of me - as was said, they sometimes can be unsure of what to do with you - if you give them that hug or kisses on the cheek, this tells them that it is ok to do the same for you. I had to break through that as well - tried at first to see what they do and then be sad if it was a handshake or a short mini hug. So I decided to just do what I would do if they did not behave like that and now that is returned.
But again, it took them a while to allow this. They needed first to see that I am really me, they had to feel my personality radiating for a while. For a while they still thought of me as the guy they used to know who had "turned into a woman". At some point that thought for me and as well for them seems ridiculous. They also cannot really call me "he" anymore without making fools of themselves and they know it. So now I am my parents older daughter and my sisters older sister and so on and I get all the hugs and cheek kisses that are appropriate

[TinaMadisonWhite]

I used to struggle with this a lot.  But then I noticed something: 

Wherever I go, I am the same person.  No matter who I am with, I am the same person.  And yet everyone I meet responds to me differently.  Some fully accept me as a woman.  Some fully accept me as a transsexual.  Others insist that I am a dude.  The "aha" for me was this:  their different reactions say nothing about me and everything about them.

Frankly, I am none of the labels above.  I am Tina.  Though it can be difficult, I try not to care about the labels people attach to me.  I try to remember that their labels describe themselves - not me.

Before I accepted my true gender, I depended entirely on others to affirm my sense of worth.  I think that this is something most of our community struggles with: how do we rebuild our relationship with ourself to the point that we consider our own opinion of who we are sufficient?

[anjaq]

As much as I appreciate such thingink as Tina has, I heard that quite a bit - sometimes born out of frustration with the situation - "I am just me and the others can go to ..." or "its the other people's problem if they see me as ..., not mine". This attitude helps for a while, but it is a hard one, it is a protective shell. It means to retreat solely to oneself, care less about others in a way detaching from the social world around oneself in several ways, while certainly maintaining many other connections. I tried that for some years but I know it still hurts to be misgendered if I dont deliberately shut off that feeling and frankyl I am beyond shutting off feelings. I did that most of the time pre transition - not giving a bleep about what others say about me and so on. I want to participate in the manyfold social interactions and many of them are gendered. So I now do my best to actually not just retreat to myself, but of course this causes problems - I hope I can fix them somehow. Only if I know that I cannot, that there will always be people who misgender me - then I may turn away from that again and try to ignore it and look back into myself.
That said - I totally dont want to say that one should let others harm ones own self image, one should not seek affirmation of ones gender in other people - that affirmation comes from within of course but I feel the strong need to equalize the social interactions with that self-affirmed gender.

[TinaMadisonWhite]

What a deep topic this can be!

I do care about being misgendered.  And I care deeply about being connected to others.  What others think and do matters a lot to me.  I have dear friends that no longer talk to me simply because of my gender.  I have female neighbors who consider me an unwelcome "intruder" into their tight-knit world.  All of that hurts.

But this discussion string started by making a link between these sorts of situations and suicidal feelings.  That is where I think it important to draw a fine, bright line.

When I hear a construction worker call after me, "Dude walking!" it definitely sucks.  But beyond that, how I respond and feel is entirely up to me.  I can shrink into lonely depression and shame.  I can shrink into anger.   I can blow them a kiss.  I can walk over and talk to them.  I can resolve to work on my walk.   These are just some of the hundreds of ways I can respond.

The choices are not easy.  But when such situations drive us to thoughts of self-destruction, I think we've crossed a line.

I like how Thich Nhat Hanh put it:  "Does the rose have to do something [to justify itself]?  No, the purpose of the rose is to be a rose.  Your purpose is to be yourself.  You don't have to run anywhere to be someone else.  You are wonderful just as you are."

Picking up on the start of this discussion string: whether others hug you or peck you on the cheek matters.  But it makes you no more nor less of the rose that you are.  Be a rose!

[Jamie D]

Very nice, Tina!!

Regards,
Jamie de la Rosa

 

[divineintervention]

I struggle to grasp the fact that people might "deem" us as Blokes. The simple explanation of transgendered people are that they have a female brain and a male body. The surgical procedure was to rectify that defect. So... we are just woman that had male genitals... they should see us just like a woman who had her vision corrected, or her acne cleared up etc... ugh... I wish people could be less ignorant because it really is a choice.

  People always look at a disabled person with an initial sense of awkwardness (because people are not comfortable with something new naturally - but that doesn't make them unnatural), but at the end of the day, it doesn't make them a freak.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi boddi,

no matter how feminine I am, I'm still a bloke, apparently, as denoted by my non-kiss goodbye.  Can anyone relate?   

In all honesty and with due respect, I think it's time you packed up and moved on, away from such rude and illiterate people, even though they are so called family. There is a world full of people out there who are prepared to accept and value you, for who you are.

Honestly, for you to be treated like that is the absolute height of contempt, uncivilised rudeness and disrespect. I wouldn't stand for such impertinence, I don't care who they are.

I hope you are able to find some real people soon.

Huggs
Catherine

[LizMarie]

I agree with Catherine Sarah. My sons have been deliberately cruel to me, cut me off from my grandchildren, so I'm moving on with my life. It took me 17 months to realize that they closed this door, not me. My eldest son even threatened to call me "it" and once remarked that they would have all been better off if I had gone through with suicide. Apparently I am such a total embarrassment to him that he'd prefer I'd have killed myself.

With help from my therapist and from friends, I've realized I don't need them in my life, particularly when they deliberately want to make the cost of having there come back to me as so much pain.

As one of my very close friends said to me, "Our closest friends are the family we choose for ourselves." For me, this has been very true, and the love I've received from those closest to me has been a huge boost to me through difficult times.

[Tristan]

Psh... Tell that to my current boyfriend, my job or the team I'm trying out for. A guy that's funny