Can't do this

[Violated]

I don't even know where to begin... long story short, I am a heterosexual female in a relationship with someone who told me they were transgendered when I was pregnant. He wants to take hormones and become a woman. I have struggled with it for months now and have come to the conclusion that I cannot be in a relationship with him as a woman. I am simply not attracted to women, and sexuality and a healthy, passionate sex life is extremely important to me. I fell in love with him, how he portrayed himself, and I feel hurt and betrayed. Combine this with 5 kids total between us, and the fact that i cannot live with the struggle and uncertainty this all entails... I feel like a terrible person. Like i don't really love him. But i do. I know i do. I know what love is, but i also know what i am able to handle. Most of my entire life has been a struggle and i thought I had finally found peace and happiness. That is all being ripped away so he can find peace and happiness. Which is fine, I want him to be happy, i truly do. But i won't be able to follow him along that path. This is where our paths separate. I see no support though, for me, only for him. Where do I go for help? To grieve my loss?

[CalmRage]

I don't even know where to begin... long story short, I am a heterosexual female in a relationship with someone who told me they were transgendered when I was pregnant. He wants to take hormones and become a woman. I have struggled with it for months now and have come to the conclusion that I cannot be in a relationship with him as a woman. I am simply not attracted to women, and sexuality and a healthy, passionate sex life is extremely important to me. I fell in love with him, how he portrayed himself, and I feel hurt and betrayed. Combine this with 5 kids total between us, and the fact that i cannot live with the struggle and uncertainty this all entails... I feel like a terrible person. Like i don't really love him. But i do. I know i do. I know what love is, but i also know what i am able to handle. Most of my entire life has been a struggle and i thought I had finally found peace and happiness. That is all being ripped away so he can find peace and happiness. Which is fine, I want him to be happy, i truly do. But i won't be able to follow him along that path. This is where our paths separate. I see no support though, for me, only for him. Where do I go for help? To grieve my loss?

first off, i don't think you're a bad person. This can be tough and it's natural for you to feel hurt and betrayed. That's human. You love her, don't you? If you really can no longer be in a relationship, just try to stay good friends and parents. I'm not going to lie, it will be tough for her too, but really, what use is a relationship without love? Just be sure to be there for her and support her. Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm not trans myself, so i'm not the best person to answer that, so i'm just going to answer based on what i see as the best possible way for both of you. You need to tell her though. It will get worse if it goes on like this for long. I know it's tough, but really there's nothing you can do. Remember that the person inside has not changed.

[Jessica Merriman]

I can feel your pain even though your thought are typed in. I can see exactly what you are saying and I feel for you. Others may ridicule me for what I am about to say, but I am on your side in this. I think you feel you were lied to and to some point you may have been. It would be hard for someone who is secure in their sexuality to find something like this out. I do want to make one observation from someone in your SOs position as well. Gender Dysphoria can be a major and devastating blow to those who suffer from it. It does not give you a choice in the matter at all. For most of us it can lead to an actual live or die moment. That being said I still support your feelings and have often wondered how I would handle it in your position. I have no answer for that yet. You cant control your feelings as far as gender preference and must live with what you are comfortable with, so do not feel any guilt for being you, OK? I hope you can part as friends though for the children's sake. I hope you feel comfortable in talking with me since I am a MtF transgender person. If and when you get 15 post's please feel free to PM me and talk some more if you want to. I believe in supporting everyone and will do what I can. Maybe I can give you some more information about why this happened or answer questions as best as I can for you. Just know YOU do have support here just like everyone else in this family. I am so sorry you have been placed in this terrible position. I wish this was real ( )! Take care.

[mrs izzy]

I would go find a therapist that will help you through the loss. Maybe in doing so you can find common ground in understanding and not hating her for what she has to do.

GID is a hard thing for a marriage to handle. Most of the time it comes down to sexual attraction or orientation. This is all normal.

And yes you did not sign up for this but i want you to know your spouse did not either. She needs to be who she is to be happy. You also need to be your self to be happy and move forward in life.

As society starts to accept us in there world i feel more will be making there transistions earlier. In doing so will stop so much pain to spouses in the future.

Lots of luck with moving on. I feel so bad for you and your spouse. Life is never fair all the time, just some of the time.

Hugs
Isabell

[Jamie D]

Violated, I understand where you are coming from.

For what it is worth, some of us who are transgender have not completed, and in some cases attempted, a full transition, because of family and spouses.

You are not a terrible person, but your SO is probably not terrible either.

The key right now is to keep the channels for open and honest communication.

[Violated]

I do feel so terribly for him, (we are not using female pronouns yet) and I wish he had gotten the support and understanding he needed long ago. For him, and for his kids and relationships. I don't want this to tear us apart as friends. I need to find how to get past the hurt, loss, and pain. He was my soulmate, my love, my forever. It is so difficult and heart wrenching now, to learn how to be apart and do what is best for our family. I don't want to turn into a bitter, hateful person i can feel coming out because of my devastation. Thank you so much for everyone's kind replies, I was sure I was going to get the message of "He is still the same person inside so you are terrible for not being able to deal with it." I wish i could, believe me i wish i could deal with it, for all our sakes. He loves me so much and does not want to lose our family. I feel like I am letting him down. I have always been such an open, understanding person. I am not against LGBT, i strongly believe in everyone's right to be happy as who they are, I understand what he is going through and how difficult it is for him. I wish this wasn't so hard for me, and didn't effect my self-confidence and own identity, sexuality, and woman-hood the way it has. I never thought I would be affected this negatively by this. I just cannot see us being "girlfriends" and shopping and picking out clothes and makeup together. i don't see me being able to help him transition. I grieve the fact that our daughter won't have a father, like i didn't have a father, and how it will effect the 4 boys. It's been less than a year since I have known, and being stuck in this limbo is emotionally exhausting for us. We each have a therapist, and a couples therapist. Our appt. last night didn't go so well. i felt very judged and threatened, like I just needed to move out so he could move on and be happy without dealing with my feelings.

Isabell, you are right on with the fact that neither of us chose this, and now have to do what's right for us. I hope society moves on from this, and that everyone can feel free to be themselves from the get-go, so no one has to suffer.

Jessica, Thank you. I am completely comfortable talking to a MtF gendered person. I feel that I would be able to handle anyone coming out as transgendered... except for my spouse.. and that is what is so sad. Thank you for your offer.

Zoot, thank you, I have told him how I feel. We are both very hurt right now and trying to navigate what is best.

Jamie, I don't want him to have to hide who he is, or stop at a point he is not comfortable with, for me and our kids. Well, i won't lie, that would be nice in theory but in reality it has been tough for him to go this long without moving completely forward. he does not want to wait, or go slow. He has tried but it is too difficult for him. I feel like I have been more open and honest about how I feel at any given time, but that he has tried to tell me what i want to hear for fear of hurting me. In reality, that has only done more damage.

[CalmRage]

I do feel so terribly for him, (we are not using female pronouns yet) and I wish he had gotten the support and understanding he needed long ago. For him, and for his kids and relationships. I don't want this to tear us apart as friends. I need to find how to get past the hurt, loss, and pain. He was my soulmate, my love, my forever. It is so difficult and heart wrenching now, to learn how to be apart and do what is best for our family. I don't want to turn into a bitter, hateful person i can feel coming out because of my devastation. Thank you so much for everyone's kind replies, I was sure I was going to get the message of "He is still the same person inside so you are terrible for not being able to deal with it." I wish i could, believe me i wish i could deal with it, for all our sakes. He loves me so much and does not want to lose our family. I feel like I am letting him down. I have always been such an open, understanding person. I am not against LGBT, i strongly believe in everyone's right to be happy as who they are, I understand what he is going through and how difficult it is for him. I wish this wasn't so hard for me, and didn't effect my self-confidence and own identity, sexuality, and woman-hood the way it has. I never thought I would be affected this negatively by this. I just cannot see us being "girlfriends" and shopping and picking out clothes and makeup together. i don't see me being able to help him transition. I grieve the fact that our daughter won't have a father, like i didn't have a father, and how it will effect the 4 boys. It's been less than a year since I have known, and being stuck in this limbo is emotionally exhausting for us. We each have a therapist, and a couples therapist. Our appt. last night didn't go so well. i felt very judged and threatened, like I just needed to move out so he could move on and be happy without dealing with my feelings.

Isabell, you are right on with the fact that neither of us chose this, and now have to do what's right for us. I hope society moves on from this, and that everyone can feel free to be themselves from the get-go, so no one has to suffer.

Jessica, Thank you. I am completely comfortable talking to a MtF gendered person. I feel that I would be able to handle anyone coming out as transgendered... except for my spouse.. and that is what is so sad. Thank you for your offer.

Zoot, thank you, I have told him how I feel. We are both very hurt right now and trying to navigate what is best.

Jamie, I don't want him to have to hide who he is, or stop at a point he is not comfortable with, for me and our kids. Well, i won't lie, that would be nice in theory but in reality it has been tough for him to go this long without moving completely forward. he does not want to wait, or go slow. He has tried but it is too difficult for him. I feel like I have been more open and honest about how I feel at any given time, but that he has tried to tell me what i want to hear for fear of hurting me. In reality, that has only done more damage.

all strength to both you and your spouse, Violated.

[Declan.]

Well, she is the same person she always was, but you didn't fall in love with that person. That person has been hidden from you. You fell in love with a mask and false identity. That is not your fault, and you are not a terrible person or a bad wife.

Unfortunately, because so many of us go through our entire lives burying who we really are for the benefit of the people around us, it's easy to become self-centered when we realize we have to transition. At that point, it's often become a "live or die" situation, and it can be hard for us to see what we're doing to the people we love. I have no doubt that your partner loves you very much, but that doesn't mean she's handling this right now in a way that's fair to both of you.

As far as I know, there is no online support group for families or I would send you that way. I'm in the process of creating one alongside my mother, but I have no idea when it will be finished. I wish there were more resources for people in your position.

[E-Brennan]

If you really can no longer be in a relationship, just try to stay good friends and parents.

^This.

I get where you're coming from, Violated.  You didn't sign up for this when you married him, and that's understandable.  I'm not sure the whole for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health really was intended to include your spouse wanting to wear the dress.

Marriages often split up over this.  But remember, there's nothing she could have done to stop this happening.  It's who she is.  Sure, she probably should have told you long ago (although for many people, me included, it's hard to even accept it myself and I would have tried anything to keep it from my spouse), but she was almost certainly keeping it from you to protect you and the marriage.

If you can't live with her, then so be it.  But do your best to part as friends, to stay close friends, and to parent the kids together.  That's easy to do.  You'll both need someone to talk to, even after splitting, and few will understand things better than yourselves.

I'd recommend seeing a gender therapist to understand what he's going through (although not one who will see you as a "bad" person for not wanting to be a part of her life), or both of you could go and see a marriage counselor.

That said, it's worth trying to fix the marriage first.  Give it a little time, see if you can become comfortable with what she's going through.  See if you find that you're able to fall in love with her too, just like you fell in love with him.

And use this site for support - it's free and effective, and there's few people here who would blame you for wanting out of the relationship.  We're all happy to help in any way.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Violated,

First and foremost, you are NOT a bad person in any way, shape or form.

Secondly the bonds of marriage (in sickness and health etc) no longer prevail. In fact they never existed as they were established on a false premise. You partner had known or had reasonable cause to know at the time, but chose denial for what ever reason.

Thirdly, you need support more so than your partner. They have known for some time of their condition. This has only been put to you recently and most inappropriately during a period of high emotional/physical stress (pregnancy) for you.

Although you are still in love, as you've mentioned, you are grieving your loss. As such, if you can find a counsellor/therapist who can guide you through it, will make or an easier adjustment for you.

Raising 5 children is no easy task at the best of times. Compounded with this latest revelation, certainly puts YOU in the higher end bracket of support in your family. Above and beyond anyone else for that matter.

I sincerely hope you are able to have your needs, desires and dreams fulfilled in the not too distant future. You deserve better than this.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are coping.

Huggs
Catherine

[Sayra]

Hey Violated,

It's been just over 2 and a half weeks since my husband told me that he likes to CD. He and I have had the conversation about transitioning and his sexual orientation and all that. The "all that" encompasses a lot of talking but I'm sure you know what I mean.

In short, I'm feeling a lot of the things you're feeling, but I'm trying to be supportive. Much like you, I'm feeling lost and cast out because I don't have a place where I really belong anymore. The place I call home isn't so much a sanctuary, but a monument to the lives that I thought we were going to have. Our lives outside of this issue are busy and stressful enough but to compound it with the lives of our children and trying to get through the day, it's hard.

I entirely see your point of view where you think you cannot cope with the changes that are coming. They're fast, they're not our choice and they're not things that are easy to share with our own support networks. Today, I'm having one of those days where I'm not sure I can do this. But, then I think too, if I don't stand strong, what will I lose? I lose my best friend of 15 years, I lose the one person I feel strongest with, and I will miss out on his happiness when it comes to pass. As mothers, we are well used to the idea that we come last. I know I'm usually last on the priority list of who is happy first. Does this apply here too? Should I let that be, or will I lose myself in the process?

The grieving I've been going through hasn't ended, and I don't know that it will because there will be reminders that each new discovery is a new level of where he'll go without me. There will be little things that he used to do, that he won't anymore and there will be things that I used to do that I won't anymore. Mostly, it's the sense right now that I'm sort of unwillingly being dragged through someone else's changes and I waiver on whether I'm strong enough to watch it all unfold. Will I be strong enough to still stand by his side when the ultimate choice comes? Can I cope well enough to do the things that I need to do for my children and myself to also still have enough to help him when he needs it? I waffle almost every day about the choice I'm making by saying that I can do this. Am I really just going to try to fake it 'til I make it, or how strongly do I believe that I can? I don't think anyone could fault you for choosing not to go on.

The person we married, is the same but different. My husband likes to say that he's still the same person, but I always counter that he's the same person to himself, but in my eyes the choices he makes and the beliefs he has are different from when he wasn't making those choices. Yes, he's lived with those thoughts of "otherness" from before, he just didn't really tell me about it, or even verbalize it to himself, but now we BOTH have to deal with the consequences of the choices he's making. His response is happy because these choices give him freedom, but his choices have me sequestered in a little tiny box in my mind. I believe that people have the right to be whoever they are as they feel they are. I never once thought it would affect my life the way it has.

Sorry for the ramble, but the point of this sort of was: Do the things that you need to do for yourself. Your children need you to be sound of body and mind to support them in how they will deal with this. Whether that's walking away from what you cannot cope with or standing as strong as you can, it's up to you what is best. Whatever choice you make, you will still find people who love you for the strength you've had to deal with the turmoil that's in your life and remember to smile at the little things that can still bring you joy. Good luck in the future, you'll make it work, we're strong like that in the end.

Sayra.

[helen2010]

Dear Violated

Your feelings are valid. However do not believe for one moment that your husband has lied to you or consciously misrepresented himself any more than he lied to himself.  The fact is that most of us  have felt that we were normal, that we believed we were normal and it was only very late in our lives that we realised that the dark cloud that had formed in the distance and then overtook us was something which could no longer be ignored and had to be dealt with.

Every situation is different and every person differs in terms of fluidity, flexibility and resilience.  You are not a horrible person if you can't accept your partner's full transition. You both need to seek a path that works best for you, your partner and your family.  Respect and authenticity will help you both explore, test and own the best way forward.

Safe travels

Aisla