New name, new account

[Ben]

Hey guys,
I'm changing my name from Ben to Alexander so I'm making a new account. I was never intending to keep my name as Ben forever, but just as a stand in until I picked a name I liked.

[Jamie D]

You can ask a moderator to change your screen name to "Alexander" (if it is available), so you don't need to make a new account.  It is much easier to log on as "Ben" as a username.

[Alexander L]

So, I made my new account!
Although it has been little more than a year since first posting on here, recently I have felt like I have grown so much as a person these last couple of years. I feel like I know myself more. However it's been a year and 4 moths from coming out and I've gotten nowhere. I told my mum. Things have never been the same since, I don't speak to her about me or my feelings. I feel so desperate to take the next step yet so scared. I have severe social anxiety disorder and out of everyone, it's my mum I feel most scared to speak to, to make eye contact with, to be in a room alone with. She has just acted like nothing has happened. Stuck her head in the sand and hoping that it will just go away.

I don't know what to do. 2013 was probably the worst year I've ever had, but also the year I've grown the most in. Until the past couple of weeks, I had been hiding from my problems, it must be genetic. I stopped thinking about being trans. Stopped reading articles, stopped watching videos, stopped reading and posting on forums.

But I've snapped out of that now. I've been re-watching videos, re-reading articles and I feel much better about everything when I watch them now than when I first watched them a couple of years ago. However, I'm stuck now. I'm terrified about the future. Especially going to the doctors etc. with my social anxiety. I would have to leave school, there's no way I could handle it. I get enough already. But if I do then I have two options.
1- leave school at the end of this year and start living a boy
2- Wait until I finish school and then start college as a boy
I have to wait until this year finishes at the earliest because I've got maths exams this year and I want to do well. If I move schools it could have an effect. If it were any other subject I wouldn't care and just do what I want but it's the only thing I'm good at so I can't mess it up.
Or if I don't move at the end of this year I'll have to wait until school finishes because i'll have started more exams.

I just feel like screaming! WHY AM I SO SCARED!

I don't know what to do about my mum either. I wish she'd just tell me how she felt. All she said was "I found your letter" and that's all she's said about it since. I thought she'd come round after a while but it's been ages! It was hard enough coming out the first time but I fear I'll have to do it again.

Help!

P.S. Thanks Jamie but I'll just make a new account. A fresh start. I only made a few posts anyway.

[Alexander L]

help

[LordKAT]

Fear of the unknown is common. Changing your life is new ground and no matter how many stories you read, your story is unique as you are. The first step is to make a plan of how to proceed which it seems you are trying to do.

If I were in your place as I understand it, I would finish the high school year(s) and then start fresh as yourself at college. When it comes to your mother, it will matter less when you are living on your own and actually out in the world. She will likely still be important but you will gain independence. This can be very freeing when it comes to your fears and uncertainties.

Outline a tentative plan for the next 5 years, everything from college to how you plan to live and what you can gain transition wise as well as the steps to get there. Follow it as best you can and redo it each year. It allows you to check off goals and see where you need to work more on.

[Alexander L]

Thanks for the advise
I think I'll wait until I finish school  but part of thinks I shouldn't wait, I might regret it later.
This may seem like a stupid idea, but I was thinking of messaging her on Facebook. That way I can tell her things I could never tell her face to face and it would be easier for her to talk to me also.

[LordKAT]

I would never have thought of using facebook to talk to my mother. If it works, then do so.

Some things you can do now to prepare for starting your adult life in college as the right gender. Clothing and possibly counseling. Set up appointments to keep over the summer, etc.

[Alexander L]

Thank you so much, you've made me feel a lot better

[LordKAT]

I'm glad it helped. I hope life turns out well for you as I know it can.