PTSD flashbacks and forever broken ?

[genderhell]

Hello,

I searched here for "PTSD", and I read through the thirty search responses, and I did not find any topic that represented my question.

I have PTSD flashbacks from the suffering I endured. These flashbacks come in two forms:

---One type is triggered when I am reminded that I did something in the past as my "old self". Something that "new me" would not have done. I want to scream, "I am sorry. It was not me". I think in my head, "I hate myself".
---The harsher type is triggered when someone insinuates that I am dumb, because I was told this throughout my life, due to being developmentally-delayed. 

What can I do? There appears to be no cure to undo the suffering done to my mind.

[Rachel]

Hugs, are you going to therapy? There are some great therapists that can help you and reduce the impact if the stress.

I have worked on some things I did and things done to me that haunted me throughout my life. I worked to deflate the power the activities had over me. The issues are still there every day but the power they have over me on a daily basis is much less. There are times the issues are overwhelming and when this happened last my therapist really helped me (it helped to share with someone who knows the struggle). It helped to get it out, experience it as an adult to an adult and work out the fear, feelings, the shame, the helplessness and the feeling of being trapped with no way out. It really helped me to relive the events and respond to what happened.

[Jamie D]

Genderhell, as I recall you have Aspergers.  Others I know from here and in everyday life are not "dumb."  Far from it.

Your style of writing testifies to your intelligence.

[genderhell]

Genderhell, as I recall you have Aspergers.  Others I know from here and in everyday life are not "dumb."  Far from it.

Your style of writing testifies to your intelligence.

I was developmentally-delayed. I was ridiculed by kids, teachers, gym coach for being dumb. I was humiliated by teachers in many different way - all with the same intention of making fun of me.

I was laughed at , insulted, made fun by coworkers and bosses.

My "original personality" was suppressed until *embarrassed to say* age forty-one.

Hugs, are you going to therapy? There are some great therapists that can help you and reduce the impact if the stress.

I have worked on some things I did and things done to me that haunted me throughout my life. I worked to deflate the power the activities had over me. The issues are still there every day but the power they have over me on a daily basis is much less. There are times the issues are overwhelming and when this happened last my therapist really helped me (it helped to share with someone who knows the struggle). It helped to get it out, experience it as an adult to an adult and work out the fear, feelings, the shame, the helplessness and the feeling of being trapped with no way out. It really helped me to relive the events and respond to what happened.

Thank you. 

I am not seeing a doctor. They offered me medicines and I did want any.

My problem is psychological ...

There are people with Gender Dysphoria that go untreated, and there is no personality formation in that person. The "original personality" is cutoff, and there exists anger, rage, and private intense feelings of wanting to be female. The person becomes psychotic, and cannot understand what is wrong. Meanwhile a lifetime of psychological damage is done to this person while not having a personality that can express itself.

This makes this person have PTSD triggers when the same type of psychologically-damaging action happens again. This person is  hyper-sensitive to such actions.

The people who cause the triggers are representations of the evil-doers who inflicted the original damage. This person losses self control, and gets overwhelmed with feelings of wanting to hurt these people. However, this person is good , and does not.

This person only pretends to like people, but deep down hates everyone.

[Felix]

I agree you should go to therapy.

I have PTSD too, and flashbacks and stuff. I'm not stupid, and I was even more intelligent than I am now when I was a kid, but I was often called dumb or stupid too. I could always read books and take tests at a higher level than my peers, but until I was 12 or so I was mostly non-verbal and I cried every day at school. I wasn't good at knowing what people wanted me to say.

I have problems with ocd and reflexively thinking bad things about myself when I'm stressed, or when I feel like I'm not doing things quite right.

I think PTSD as a search term doesn't bring much up on Susan's because we are often not labeled as such, or when we are we still don't make it enough of our identity to talk much about it. In western countries we still associate PTSD mostly with war veterans or others who seem more deserving of the diagnosis.

I think also a lot of us are afraid of being denied hormones or otherwise not being taken seriously if we are open about having a trauma history.

You are probably a better person than you feel like you are, and you will probably find that these disruptive symptoms get milder as you get older and find ways to spend more time feeling safe. Either way, it is good to talk here. Lots of people share your struggles. I'm sorry I can't think of any rational advice to help you cope with them, but you are certainly not alone and I hope you don't feel like you are.