I hate feeling disgusted by my own body

[Emerson]

I am pissed that I can't have the body that I want.

Each step I take to transition makes me feel more frustrated with the steps I have left.

Although I am grateful that I will start t on march 5th.

[LordKAT]

I think for me, it is more that I get frustrated that my body isn't formed right, it is defective. Correcting that has seemed like it was not possible for so very long. But it is MY body, I don't really want a different one, just want this one fixed.

I think the worst depression came from thinking I was stuck with my deformity and not really willing to live with it. HRT has given me hope that it is possible however unlikely.

I try to cling to that hope, but often enough get down because I need so much more and probably will never be able to do anything about it.


Basically, You are not alone in feeling as you do. Try to stick to the happier feelings of at least making progress.

[Calder Smith]

You're definitely not the only one. I hate my female body. I don't want to touch it or look at it. I hate that I was born like this.

[Simon]

I think we all understand where you're coming from.

One thing you can never do is give up hope. In my own case I started living as a male at 17 and then was able to get my name changed around my 20th birthday. After that I was at a standstill for about a decade. First I couldn't afford therapy. I finally got therapy and my letter in 2009. Then I still couldn't start T because of kidney cancer, got that under control. Then I started having horrible pains 'down there'. They found a tumor and endometriosis. Doctors said no testosterone until it was taken care of. Took until December of 2012 to get approved for a complete hysto. Got that done and four days later I finally received my first shot of T. Now I'm having my top surgery consult and planning on surgery in July if everything goes smooth. If not, top surgery is still coming just a little later. Either way it is progress.

I don't think my struggles are any more valid than what anyone else has. We all have barriers to overcome to transition. The only thing is you can never give up. I could have said a long time ago "screw it, it's not going to happen", and I would have been right. It never would have if that was my attitude about it. A huge frustration for me was going online and seeing young guys who came out and then 6 months later they had been on T for months and had their top surgery already. I was happy for them, but it was disheartening. That was the years that I never looked at anything online about transition and avoided other transguys like the plague.

All any of us can do is to keep going. No matter how many times you get told no, or how many times you save that $10 towards surgery instead of eating out it's all progress towards the ultimate goal. You'll get there, just give it time man.