Ok, I apologize in advance if I ramble on for too long, I have a tendency to go on forever as people have told me, but it's very hard for me to convey what I want to say in a short & sweet way sometimes, so it's best for me to just say it all...
So, I have been really depressed lately due to all kinds of things and it doesn't help that my Birthday is coming up in a few weeks, which in the last few years has become a day I dread more than anything. It used to be a day where I could celebrate me and I got to feel special and appreciated more than on any other day, Now it is a day where all of my luck goes completely down the toilet, bad things tend to happen to me, sever depression sets in, oh and lately I always seem to come down with some sort of flu or other type of sickness right before and it all culminates together to make me wish I wasn't even alive, and with the way things seem to be going for me at the moment, nothing seems to have changed this year.
I have a very photographic memory, and from a very young age, I can remember this very calming, almost soothing feeling I would get whenever I was around Girls. It wasn't a feeling of "Oh, That Girl is cute" though, it was more like "Wow I wish I could be pretty with long, beautiful hair and wear cute little outfits just like her". These feelings were kind of vague until I was a little older, but I always knew I felt more so much more comfortable around Girls and that it felt good to imagine myself as one. I had several typical masculine interests as a child but I also liked a lot of Girly things and I always felt like I needed to hide that because "I wasn't allowed to like those things". I never really felt like I could relate to any other boy and I never felt like I wanted to be masculine. I suppose I wasn't overly feminine acting as a child and I never really expressed to anyone that I felt different, but I always had this feeling of like, "You are a Boy, This is how you're supposed to behave, if you don't then you will not be accepted" so I basically tried to just adapt to what society expected of me, but I wasn't really old enough yet to really understand what I was even going through or that there were even options I could pursue in the future to help deal with these issues, so I chose to just "be normal" to avoid being humiliated and outcast. I remember that other kids in the 3rd grade would make fun of me because I liked to sit with my legs crossed the way a Girl would, and I didn't even realize at the time that it was something only Girls were supposed to do. I was also slammed against a brick wall once and nearly beaten for wearing a Polly Pocket necklace when I was around the same age, Though luckily an adult intervened before that situation got any worse. I pretty much knew right then and there that I would not be treated pleasantly if people knew I was Girly.
The thing is, I have been dealing with what I believe to be Gender Dysphoria for well over 10 years now at least so I know this isn't just some quick phase I'm going through due to some sort of Asperger's fixation I have or something, This is real and it isn't going to go away any time soon. I have spent years trying to suppress it, hoping it would go away or that I would get over it. It took me quite a long time to come to the realization that none of those things were going to happen and that it would only get worse unless I start doing something about it. It's definitely going to be a slow process for sure, but I need to do whatever I can right now before I lose myself completely.
My biggest problem is that I have extreme anxiety, and I tend to constantly over analyze things. I have been in constant fear for years over what my family would think if they ever found out about this. I am always paranoid someone is going to look at my internet history and see that I go on a lot of Trans related sites, though I have gotten to the point now where I don't even bother erasing my history now, no one ever looks at stuff on my computer anyways. I am always afraid I'm going to slip or say something to the wrong person and I'm going to be outed to everybody. I've almost even told my Sister a couple of times, but was always scared she would tell other people. I am trying really hard to get over this fear, because I'm ultimately going to have to if I ever want to get anywhere, which brings me to my next big issue...
I don't drive, I still technically live under a roof owned by my parents, and my Mom has a large hand in managing my finances, which makes it basically impossible for me to privately pursue any kind of professional help without everybody knowing about my personal business, and I'm not about to make up a bunch of huge lies only for my family to eventually find out anyway. I know my family love me and they mean well, but they have said and done a lot of things in the past that have really hurt or upset me, and they tend to have a close minded, stereotypical view of a lot of things so I always worry about how they would react if I ever told them how I really feel. My Dad especially loves to put on a Macho, Man's Man type of act and says a lot of hurtful and offensive things without ever realizing the impact they have. My Mom seems the type that worries a lot about what other people think of her, and I feel like she complains too much about they way I groom myself and present myself to people, out of fear of what people will think of her for having a son like me. She uses double standards and complains about the fact that I shave off all of my body hair and that I trim my eyebrows and that people will think I am a freak for doing these things, while she turns around and encourages my sister to do these things because that's what Girls are supposed to do and all men apparently are supposed to be hairy and sweaty or else women will reject them. She once got into a petty argument with me in a public store about me trimming my eyebrows, and it ended with her saying F**k You to me and walking away into another aisle. I almost broke down and cried.
For a very long time, The only way I have been able to deal with all of these feelings was to suppress them and distract myself with other hobbies and things that made me happy. I collect DVDs, CDs, and Toys which is fine of course, but sometimes I feel like I spend too much money on these things because it is literally the only thing I can depend on to distract me from my frequent unhappiness and depression. I feel a sense of pride when I get something new to add to my collections, and when I don't have money I just feel really depressed and that I'm wasting my Money. I love to collect dolls and other Girly toys, not only because I like them but because it makes me feel like I get to be a kid again, except that now I have my own money and I can buy whatever I want so I can finally buy the types of toys I would have liked to have had if I had been a little Girl and it makes me feel really happy.
Ever since my younger sister was born, I have always envied her so much and the fact that she get's to be "Mommy's Little Girl". It is so crushing when you're little sister gets to go on all these fun little Girl's trips and mini vacations with Mommy, getting to stay in a nice condo on the beach with all your best Girl friends, Getting to go to big sleepovers and paint each other nails, While I have to stay home with the boring Men and be absolutely miserable and I couldn't even talk to anyone about it. I have also come to be much closer to my sister than I am with any of the rest of my family, though she still doesn't truly know why I relate to her so much. I have always wished that I could be her older Sister. I have always longed to have that close, emotional female bond that a lot of Girls have with each other, and always I feel so disconnected when talking about anything personal to males.
I have only ever told a very, very small handful of close friends that I feel this way, and they have been supportive and accepting, but I really feel like a lot of people in my life will not be ready to accept this, and I am not ready to deal with the rejection. I wouldn't call myself a suicidal person but I can't say the thought hasn't crossed my mind more than once, However I have experienced what it is like to lose loved ones to this and I have enough respect for the people I love and care about that I would not want to put them through the same agony again. I sometimes feel like I don't know what else to do though, if I can't even put an end to my own misery, than what else can I do to deal with it and get through the rest of my life?
