I Need to Start Full-Time...Here Are the Things Stopping Me...Help!

[Danniella]

Okay...So I need advice...

I really want to start going full time soon, the sooner I do it, the better, not only for my mental well being, but also for the GIC that I will be visiting in 6 months.

I really REALLY want to be full time soon, at LEAST before I walk in the door at the GIC.

I want nothing more on this earth than to walk in there, full female mode, strut up to the desk, use my female name, and check myself in...but I just cant bring myself to start yet

The way I see it...there are 3 main things that are stopping me going full time tomorrow...


Number 1: My Voice

I hate my voice with a burning passion that could ignite a thousand suns! I'm Scottish, and I have developed a very deep droning voice that is perfectly appropriate for communing with cave trolls, but falls somewhat short when attempting to impersonate a human being of the female variety. As a result, regardless of how well I pass in photos, the illusion is instantly shattered the instant I open my mouth -.-'


Number 2: My Wardrobe

I have a good budget set aside every month for transitional expenses (Yay for OCD money management!)  the lion's share of those funds are instantly whisked away to online pharmacies across the globe. As a result my outfits are EXTREMELY limited, and I have no appropriate work attire at all. I work in a casual enough office, most people wear smart casual, with the odd hoodie etc in sight, but the only clothes I have so far are pretty much "going out" clothes...and don't get me started on the shoes! Size 10 mens feet do not a happy shopper make me! 🙁 I simply don't know how I will get together the funds to afford to buy enough female clothing to facilitate a whole week of full time!


Number 3: My Chest

I hate my breastform...I hate it with a fury that generates enough power to obliterate the suns I ignited with my previous hatred! Every time I put it on I feel like a complete fake. It is the last overtly "costume" esq element of my female-mode, since I ditched my wig, but I just can't stop thinking about it when I am wearing it 🙁 Yes it looks good, but it bothers me sooooo much that I have to wear it just to balance out my proportions, and give me a female shape. Every time I have to adjust it, or see myself in a mirror, it just emphasizes in my head how I am not a natural woman. Sure it is bearable while out for some fun with close friends etc...but I don't think I could feel in the least bit confident in my day to day life while wearing it

I don't really know what to do now, I feel like I have hit a complete brick wall in my transition.

I am out to everybody, family, friends and work (been out for two months now and no problems) I am on HRT and I am able to go out for a night out in female mode...I just don't know how to try and sort out the problems I am having, and what the next step is towards pushing myself into full time 9-5.

Can anybody help? 🙁 It's really getting me down so much in the mornings now, I hate getting in to my male clothing etc so much now, not even so much because it's male clothing...but because it feels like I am being defeated every single day that I am not pushing forward 🙁

[Beverly]

Okay...So I need advice...

I am assuming that you are in the UK....

If you are CERTAIN about your dysphoria then change your name by Deed Poll or Statutory Declaration. I used a Stat Dec because it was quicker - I just went to the local Magistrates Court and swore out my declaration, it took me all of an hour. Next I took my new Stat Dec and changed my bank account details and then went to my GPs and had my name changed on my medical records and a new NHS number issued. This is a key step If your name is changed in your NHS records then the GIC must use the name on your records. You still should take the precaution of telling the GIC after the name change and send them a copy of your new NHS card.

Keep a record of everything. Get a folder and add proof that you are living as female. Put in copies of the Stat Dec., bank statements, your NHS number. Logon to the government website and inform HM Custom and Revenue and they will change all your government records for you.

Bills, library memberships, clubs and societies, etc - anything in your new name goes in the folder and you take the folder with you to the GIC or any trans-related appointment.

Number 1: My Voice

There are plenty of voice tutorials bot here at Susans and on the net and eliminating chest resonance is your number one goal. However, you must at some point stop using your male voice no matter how ridiculous you sound to yourself. Using your male voice even for 5 minutes undoes all the good work. A good female voice is based on continuous use and practice

Number 2: My Wardrobe

Go to ASDA. Blouses for less than £10, Jeans/trousers for less than £20. Tescos can be good as well.

Number Number 3: My Chest

I hate my breastform...

Well then... stop wearing them. There are lots of flat-chested women.

[MadelineB]

Three problems, three secrets that worked for me. Your mileage may vary
1. Voice: in a pinch, the shortcut to finding the female voice that works for you, is to find the female voice you already have and start from that. For me, who had taught myself to talk like a cross between Lou Rawls and Andre the Giant to minimize bullying, that meant figuring out what voice and intonation I use when talking to kittens, newborn infants, frightened baby birds, and the woman I am madly in love with. Once I gave myself permission to talk like that to everyone , I immediately sounded like a woman voicewise.
2. Wardrobe expense: realize that all women, every day except right after a shopping spree, have a wardrobe that is 100% used. Good used clothing are 70 to 90% less expensive than new. Also, buy separates that can be part of multiple outfits. I can wear the black pants on Monday and Thursday without laundering in between. The blouse I wore on Monday with a jacket, on Wed peeks out from a sweater.
3. Dysphoria over 'fakeness': realize that you have a choice. You can adjust your thoughts, or adjust your actions. Thoughtwise, you can put yourself in the shoes of a natal female who woke up tomorrow without breasts (perhaps due to cancer treatment or prophylaxis). She is most likely going to wear breast forms. She will be sad they aren't hers, but she isn't wearing forms to be fake. She is wearing them to be herself, and to feel like herself, in the world. Her medical history (as a cancer survivor, or a transsexual) is nobody's business but her own. Wearing her forms makes it easier to be treated like the woman she is without constantly talking about her private medical matters to the whole world. She is a survivor and a warrior, and they are chest armor protecting her heart.
Actionwise, your other healthy option is to do what I did and explain to your family friends and colleagues that although most trans women start out with breast forms, that it is important to you personally to go through the whole awkward process of the right puberty for who you are, including starting out as a flat-chested girl and very slowly growing your own.

Hope those ideas help. Full time as yourself is everyone's sacred and inalienable right. Best of luck! -Maddie

[suzifrommd]

First, voice is a passing issue.  You can be a woman without passing. I know many transwomen with deep masculine voices who are thrilled with their transitions.

YOU DO NOT NEED TO PASS TO GO FULL TIME.

Wardrobe is something else. It's pretty easy to get used clothing from thrift shops. Sure you won't be a fashion plate. But it's ok to go full time and not be fashionable. The idea is to be you, not to be the envy of everyone without a y chromosome, right?

There is no reason why a flat chest should prevent you from going full time. Otherwise, millions of flat-chested women would have to resign from their gender. No guarantee that HRT will give you anything at all. I have tiny little a-cup boobs and they haven't grown a millimeter in the past 8 months. I wear breastforms every day. My mother had a huge chest, which my daughter inherited (she certainly didn't get it from my ex), but the boobage skipped me. But I'm happily full time.

These three things are obstacles only if you let them be.

I'll answer your question:

Can anybody help?

Yes. There is only one person who can help. Her name is Danniella.

[Beverly]

First, voice is a passing issue.  You can be a woman without passing. I know many transwomen with deep masculine voices who are thrilled with their transitions.

So do I, but nonetheless having a half-decent female voice can go a long, long way towards making your RLE a whole lot easier. Voice is such a triggering factor for most people that, more than any other feature, it can make them decide your gender.

Voice is cheap to do and just requires practice. It can have a bigger effect on your transition than GRS, FFS and BA combined. Why make your RLE harder if you can make it easier?

Yes. There is only one person who can help. Her name is Danniella.

No... others can help. We can offer advice and guidance. If no one else could help then what would be the point of Susans and other support forums? Danniella is certainly the one who will have to do the work but the rest of us can help.

[suzifrommd]

No... others can help. We can offer advice and guidance. If no one else could help then what would be the point of Susans and other support forums? Danniella is certainly the one who will have to do the work but the rest of us can help.

Yea, you're right. I was being a bit flip. My point was that the three obstacles she named weren't really holding her back, she was.

Yes, this is a wonderful place to go for ideas.

[Danniella]

I am assuming that you are in the UK....

Indeeeeed, Scotland, but I think the NHS etc works similarly re:name changes etc despite being devolved...I shall investigate.

If you are CERTAIN about your dysphoria then change your name by Deed Poll or Statutory Declaration. I used a Stat Dec because it was quicker - I just went to the local Magistrates Court and swore out my declaration, it took me all of an hour. Next I took my new Stat Dec and changed my bank account details and then went to my GPs and had my name changed on my medical records and a new NHS number issued. This is a key step If your name is changed in your NHS records then the GIC must use the name on your records. You still should take the precaution of telling the GIC after the name change and send them a copy of your new NHS card.

I thought about doing this, but I was worried about messing up my place on the waiting list for the GIC :S I have already had some annoying clerical issues wherein I have been taken off the list and the put back on 4 months later (I had to kick up some s#@t just to get that time back, they intended to put me to the back of the list again). You sure changing my name etc wont mess things up?

Keep a record of everything. Get a folder and add proof that you are living as female. Put in copies of the Stat Dec., bank statements, your NHS number. Logon to the government website and inform HM Custom and Revenue and they will change all your government records for you.

Bills, library memberships, clubs and societies, etc - anything in your new name goes in the folder and you take the folder with you to the GIC or any trans-related appointment.

This is a GREAT idea! 😀 I never thought of that! Is that the type of proof the GIC normally asks for when trying to establish full time start dates?

There are plenty of voice tutorials bot here at Susans and on the net and eliminating chest resonance is your number one goal. However, you must at some point stop using your male voice no matter how ridiculous you sound to yourself. Using your male voice even for 5 minutes undoes all the good work. A good female voice is based on continuous use and practice

Three problems, three secrets that worked for me. Your mileage may vary
1. Voice: in a pinch, the shortcut to finding the female voice that works for you, is to find the female voice you already have and start from that. For me, who had taught myself to talk like a cross between Lou Rawls and Andre the Giant to minimize bullying, that meant figuring out what voice and intonation I use when talking to kittens, newborn infants, frightened baby birds, and the woman I am madly in love with. Once I gave myself permission to talk like that to everyone , I immediately sounded like a woman voicewise.

I have been trying to work on it using net guides/videos etc (I have a dicta-phone I practice with daily) but I just feel like I am getting nowhere 🙁 I have been practising my female voice in...safe constraints...I DM some tabletop RPG games over skype (think dungeons and dragons if you have no idea what I am talking about) and I try using my female voice whenever speaking as female characters...but it normally backfires as I often have to also put on a weird accent or speak in a specific way...maybe need to just use it more openly.

Go to ASDA. Blouses for less than £10, Jeans/trousers for less than £20. Tescos can be good as well.

2. Wardrobe expense: realize that all women, every day except right after a shopping spree, have a wardrobe that is 100% used. Good used clothing are 70 to 90% less expensive than new. Also, buy separates that can be part of multiple outfits. I can wear the black pants on Monday and Thursday without laundering in between. The blouse I wore on Monday with a jacket, on Wed peeks out from a sweater.

Wardrobe is something else. It's pretty easy to get used clothing from thrift shops. Sure you won't be a fashion plate. But it's ok to go full time and not be fashionable. The idea is to be you, not to be the envy of everyone without a y chromosome, right?

Some good ideas, I could really do with a "capsule wardrobe" base to work from...maybe just a big spending spree in asda could work, get a wardrobe of cheap stuff and replace with better quality things as I go on?

Well then... stop wearing them. There are lots of flat-chested women.

3. Dysphoria over 'fakeness': realize that you have a choice. You can adjust your thoughts, or adjust your actions. Thoughtwise, you can put yourself in the shoes of a natal female who woke up tomorrow without breasts (perhaps due to cancer treatment or prophylaxis). She is most likely going to wear breast forms. She will be sad they aren't hers, but she isn't wearing forms to be fake. She is wearing them to be herself, and to feel like herself, in the world. Her medical history (as a cancer survivor, or a transsexual) is nobody's business but her own. Wearing her forms makes it easier to be treated like the woman she is without constantly talking about her private medical matters to the whole world. She is a survivor and a warrior, and they are chest armor protecting her heart.
Actionwise, your other healthy option is to do what I did and explain to your family friends and colleagues that although most trans women start out with breast forms, that it is important to you personally to go through the whole awkward process of the right puberty for who you are, including starting out as a flat-chested girl and very slowly growing your own.

There is no reason why a flat chest should prevent you from going full time. Otherwise, millions of flat-chested women would have to resign from their gender. No guarantee that HRT will give you anything at all. I have tiny little a-cup boobs and they haven't grown a millimeter in the past 8 months. I wear breastforms every day. My mother had a huge chest, which my daughter inherited (she certainly didn't get it from my ex), but the boobage skipped me. But I'm happily full time.

I...am ashamed to say I never thought of it that way before D: Some food for thought...thanks

YOU DO NOT NEED TO PASS TO GO FULL TIME.

I guess not...but it helps ^^;

These three things are obstacles only if you let them be.

I'll answer your question:

Yes. There is only one person who can help. Her name is Danniella.

You made me cry with this statement! ;_; Hit a sweet spot I guess...I blame the hormones!


Thank you all do much for replying, it has given me allot to think about, thinking that I don't NEED to use my breast forms if I don't want to, and even if I do, that it's not the end of the world.

I probably do need to lower my standards for my entry level female wardrobe...I MAAAAAY do things like spend £200 on a jacket...or a bag...sooooooo yeah, it wil take me a crazy amount of time to build w hole wardrobe from designer clothing ^^;

My voice?...Will still be a big problem no matter what I do I guess 🙁 It's just going to take practice and dedication. Once I get into the GIC and the NHS system, I will be provided free support from a voice coach...I just don't want to wait that long! 😀

[FalseHybridPrincess]

YOU DO NOT NEED TO PASS TO GO FULL TIME.

well pretty much this

[Beverly]

I thought about doing this, but I was worried about messing up my place on the waiting list for the GIC :S I have already had some annoying clerical issues wherein I have been taken off the list and the put back on 4 months later (I had to kick up some s#@t just to get that time back, they intended to put me to the back of the list again).

I cannot see why it would cause a problem, especially if you write a clear letter to accompany it and specifically stating that it is ONLY a name change - see attached paperwork etc....

You sure changing my name etc wont mess things up?

The power of some admin somewhere to mess something up is beyond any guarantees I can give you. They should not mess up but they might. So here is the most important thing you need to know about transitioning on the NHS. Carve this in your mind and NEVER forget it - your transition is too important to leave to the NHS. Never expect them to get things right. Keep a note of everything. Cut out as many admin people as you can so that YOU have as much control as possible and you minimise the chances of bureaucratic cock-up. For example...

- When you are attending an appointment at the GIC, do NOT leave the building without your next appointment arranged, printed out, handed to you and filed in your transition file.

- When in an appointment, do not let them "waffle". If the appointment seems a bit too general just say "I would like to talk about xxx" and direct the appointment

- If you can, get email addresses that are direct to the psychologists or nurse specialists. I bypass admin and send my blood results direct and I get the reply shortly after. Three weeks later the paperwork catches up from the admin.

- Anticipate! You do not need their 'permission' for most stuff so do it in advance. Name changes, RLE, wardrobe changes, just do it and document it in your file

- Remember your GP. Send him/her copies of anything you write to the GIC and make a note in your file that your copied him/her on the letter. If the GP sends you anything transition-related, copy it to the GIC and file it in your file.

If you turn up, looking organised and already started in the process, it will move you forward much faster than you expect. Find out what their process is (probably two interviews then hormones on the third) and factor that into your plan. If in doubt ASK them what their process is in the first interview. This is YOUR transition so inform yourself, ask questions and manage it.

This is a GREAT idea! 😀 I never thought of that! Is that the type of proof the GIC normally asks for when trying to establish full time start dates?

Yes. Most of them go from the date of your name change via a Deed Poll or a Stat Dec. I recommdend the Stat Dec. myself because it has to be sworn in front of a legal person so you had to be "out" to do it. Deed Polls can be done by post so GICs (or mine at least) prefer Statutory Declarations.

However they will want additional evidence too. This is where your transition folder comes in. Collect letter from HMRC, Work, bank statements, salary slips, school, leisure clubs, anything that mentions your new name. The GIC will want to see that you are not a hermit, that you are interacting with the world. Later on the file will act as a resource for when you apply for a GRC so keep it up to date.

I have been trying to work on it using net guides/videos etc (I have a dicta-phone I practice with daily) but I just feel like I am getting nowhere 🙁 I have been practising my female voice in...safe constraints...I DM some tabletop RPG games over skype (think dungeons and dragons if you have no idea what I am talking about) and I try using my female voice whenever speaking as female characters...but it normally backfires as I often have to also put on a weird accent or speak in a specific way...maybe need to just use it more openly.

You just have to keep doing it. Expect six months to a year to get results. Learn to lift your Adam's Apple and open your mouth wider when you talk. Men tend to mumble.

Some good ideas, I could really do with a "capsule wardrobe" base to work from...maybe just a big spending spree in asda could work, get a wardrobe of cheap stuff and replace with better quality things as I go on?

Do NOT buy expensive stuff early on. As you transition your body shape will shape and your size in clothes will change too. Buy stuff you can throw away in 6 to 12 months. Asda and Tesco are good for jeans and trousers. Asda is better for larger size boots and shoes (they have size 9s and sometimes 10s). Blouses/shirts are a bit more limited. I bought my first ladies suit for work from Asda for £30. Six months later I had dropped two sizes and the skirt fell down.

[Danniella]

...(many things related to name change etc)

Thanks so much for that advice 😀 I didn't realise exactly how they assessed RLE start dates etc...I think I will get on a name change as soon as I can now! Hell, I am out to everybody and some people are already using my new name, might as well make it official

Do NOT buy expensive stuff early on. As you transition your body shape will shape and your size in clothes will change too. Buy stuff you can throw away in 6 to 12 months.

But...But...THE SHINY!

...

Yeah, yeah...okay I'll listen to that whole "logic" thing you have going on there.

Asda and Tesco are good for jeans and trousers. Asda is better for larger size boots and shoes (they have size 9s and sometimes 10s). Blouses/shirts are a bit more limited. I bought my first ladies suit for work from Asda for £30. Six months later I had dropped two sizes and the skirt fell down.

Not in public I hope! D:

[Danniella]

Random update...

I found myself near an Asda today with 45 mins to kill.

Went in for a scout around...

...

Walked out with £70 worth of clothing!

Thanks so much Provizora! I don't normally shop at asda as I have to kinda go out of my way to get there, but I was really surprised by the decent quaity and cuts of the clothing...and the prices!

Yeah I won't be a fashion queen any time soon, but it's easily tripled my wardrobe size in one visit <3

That's one thing ticked off the list! Next up...I think I will get my name changed some time next week 😀