Hi everyone!
Where to begin.... Yeah... 1st post...
I live in Japan since 13 years now and I am a foreigner working in IT for a Japanese conglomerate.
I found [Susan's Place] after I decided to transition and I've been lurking for a little while now, reading many stories.
So, I decided I'll drop mine.
Well, my story is similar to many people here.
When I was a kid, I was always playing with girls. I identified myself as a girl even I was born a boy.
I always wanted to wear girl's shoes and clothes. I wanted to have my ears pierced.
I wanted to start dance classes like many girls but I was told I couldn't. I had to join the soccer club.
I hated playing with boys. The ball was scary too.
I started crossdressing and stealing my mom's make up really early on. I have no sister.
I had no friends at all, bullied in school, beaten during recess and tried to kill myself at age 9.
I then went to see a therapist for a while. I don't remember if I ever said I was a girl.
I again tried to kill myself later around 14. Nobody knows.
Around puberty, of course nothing happened in the chest area, hair started to grow, voice pitch dropping, etc.
Also, my mom's clothes wouldn't fit anymore.
"You are becoming a man!" I was told. I didn't want to. I hated that.
Then I learned about crossdressers and transsexuals on TV and magazines.
I also learned that if I wanted to be girl, I had to be gay.
So, I had a homosexual relationship for a a year or so. I was the girl in the relationship.
I hate my penis. I hate even more playing with someone else's one. I like girls.
Came the compulsory military service. It was a nightmare. Macho crap, playing Rambo (no offense to service members).
Bullied again and me, crying most of the time.
During graduate school, I was living by myself in a small appartment.
Grew my hair long and got all mail order catalogs I could find.
I preferred eating cereals to save money in order to buy my own set of girl clothing.
I had to throw away everything when I went back to my parent's house.
With my long hair, I was misgendered all the time and I loved it.
I started a job in my home country before dumping everything to go to Japan.
Moving to Japan changed me. I had a new life. A new beginning.
I got friends, I was going out but never was able to burry my secret.
I entered the Japanese company I'm still working for with long hair and a bumfluff. Even cut my hair and shaved at some point.
Now, I have long hair and even semi-long polished nails.
I threw away everything again about 3 times. Always had the urge to buy everything again.
Plus Japanese people have small feet and are usually short. Almost everything I ordered and still ordering are from overseas.
Viva el globalization!
Anyway, I got girl friends after girl friends until I found my wife.
Early on, I told her I wanted to be girl and accepted me crossdressing.
Now, it's a bit different but we are still going on well.
In my head, there are always 3 voices.
One says "You are girl!".
The second one says "No. You are man. Be strong!"
The third one says "You are a freak, kill yourself!"
One is always stronger than the other ones but by alternance.
Now, the third one is the strongest.
I always ride the first train car every day, just in case I suddenly jump in front of the train.
I would probably only loose a leg or an arm or both.
There, is the thing. I don't want to kill myself but I just cannot take it anymore. It's also affecting my job and badly.
So, I decided to see a gender therapist and to put an end to it.
I had my first session last Saturday. The therapist asked me what I wanted and said I wanted to transition, starting with hormones.
The format was really strange. 15min and out. The waiting room was full of people looking at the floor. Hmmmm...
It seems I need 2 opinions to start hormones. I'll get the first one soon. Begining of April during my second 15min session...
Now, transitioning in Japan, as a foreigner, is going to be quite an adventure.
I came out to my 2 brothers and accepted it. No 180 so far. I came out to 2 bests friend and accepted it. No 180 either so far.
I'll have to come out to my parents but not now. I'll have to come out to my other best friends.
To answer a question in a different forum, my name is Sonia. The name my parents chose if I was born with the right sex.
Big hugs.
Sonia
