I'm not really sure to begin with all of this, to be honest. But I guess the first thing that should be done would be to mention that I'm probably going to end up mentioning suicidal thoughts resulting from dysphoria, dissociation, and stuff like that. So...I guess I've always felt a bit off since I was a kid (I remember telling my mom and insisting that I wasn't going to have breasts when I was older, for example) and eventually this sort of culminated into just....not exactly a revelation, but more like a rude, violent awakening and upheaval two years ago. For about a year I kept sinking into deep dysphoria that was broken up only by periods of numbness and anxiety. My grades just slid and I couldn't function well. I didn't get much sleep. There were a few points when I thought about killing myself or actually harming myself beyond scratching at my skin or compulsively picking at my hair. At some point, I just sort of resolved not to think about it, at all, promising myself that I would "fix" this issue later, when I was better able to handle that. The next year, I managed a little better, I mean I wasn't nearly as depressed as I had been, though some of my issues still remained. And so, this year, I've managed to just feel neutral about my body most of the time, but what disturbs me is that sometimes I feel like I'm not really here, that I'm just sort of dissociating and that I'm not actually experiencing things. I've had entire blocks of time in that state and it's really starting to freak me out and I'm not sure what I should do about this, or what can be done, because feeling everything at once was almost better than not feeling anything at all or just sort of floating out there. Has anyone here been in a similar situation to me? Or does anyone know what I could do? I'm not in a financial position to transition (and I'm not sure if that's the right choice, either) and I don't have access to many resources. I can't trust my parents not to end up hurting me if I told them about this. My best friend, who knows about this (though I haven't told them about the dissociating because I don't want to overwhelm them) tells me that I should try talking to the school's psychologist, but, I'm scared to, because I have no idea if they'll even be able to help or if they'll end up making things worse somehow. I'm not at any risk of killing myself but this is scaring me.
