Hello,
I am Tony going or Toni (or somewhere in between), and I am ready to stop just lurking here as I finally had my first appointment with a gender therapist yesterday, and he agreed there is something to this and I need to take it slow and should begin to speak openly in group settings with those who can understand and have some insights to what I am dealing with. He is arranging for me to meet a transgender support group at the VA (I am a Marine Corps vet, Desert Storm/Shield era who is 46 years old) and I have been using Susan's for information and support for a couple of months now. I would like to do an introduction as I am hoping to make some friends and begin to learn even more about myself and what others in my situation deal with and how they do it.
I initially did a massive post that exceeded the 40,000 character limit as I was just rifting about my life and how I always kind of knew since I was around five that something was different. I was raised to be a boy though and my desire to be a dancer was vehemently denied to me because I was not a girl! Also around that time I had developed a strange urge to hump or rub my crotch (I did not pull "it" until I was in the Marines, and only because humping stuff was not an option.) It simply was a feeling and that because of it I was trying to get to something inside of me, is all I know I knew about it then. (Sorry this is so graphic, but I am just trying to be honest. However it reads, it was not sexual in anyway at this time.)
Eventually I saw a Sears catalog, and of course loved looking at the toys, I was a GI Joe doll fanatic (was it because it was an acceptable doll? I believe so) but what I was really fascinated by were the clothes and (now I even recall again some of the jewelry. I was into the colors the most so diamonds were neat but I really dug sapphires, emeralds, and rubies.) The clothes I loved were always the clothes the women and girls wore, never the boys. I did not have a sister, just my brother and though I did wear mom's clothes a few times it was nothing more than what any normal boy does at that age messing around. But again I was in love with the Sears catalog, and in time I would sneak it imagining I was the girls in the nice clothes and sometimes while dealing with my urge. Why the urge with that or that with the urge? I can't explain it, and I had not even known what a vagina looked like still, but now with what I know I was feeling something was wrong with what I had there.
Sure, I had saw my mom's pubic hair and breasts, but nothing remotely sexual, nor had I been molested. It just seemed like a natural urge that was progressing in an unusual but perhaps equally natural way as I matured (in what I believe is the wrong gendered body.) I believe my problem was genital incongruence already being realized on an subconscious level. In addition I wonder if my brain could also not handle the testosterone in my system. Just thoughts and I am no biologist, I am an IT nerd.
I loved imaging I was in womens lingerie and though I never wore my mother's panties as they were too big, I did like to look at them. the colors and patterns and even more so the textures. She also had a scarf drawer that I equally loved and those I would try on at her dresser when no one was around, and if I did get caught the few times I did, the scarves did not seem to raise any suspicions. So I guess there may have been some minor scarf cross dressing like incidents, but my mode of connecting with my inner female was to imagine I was one and often as I rubbed on stuff inexplicably to relieve my urge.
In time I saw porn at a friends house and would sneak in and read the stories and now that I saw bare boobs and even vaginas I was able to complete a better image of me in my mind. It was then when I started to realize my urge was my mind expected me to have a vagina that I was trying to get to that a penis was in place of. Sometimes taking on the characteristics of the models I would imagine being in a female body, and with the stories I could be anything that fit the few parameters in that particular story. I really enjoyed stories from the female perspective, they were few and far between so when I saw them I read them over and over as I honestly believe I was relating naturally to how they felt.
I was raised by a father who would have no girly boys, and I liked to please so I played the sports I was asked to. I sucked at first compared to the others, but mom always told me to compare myself to the best, not the worst, and that practice makes perfect. So I eventually got good at sports in time, not so much due to strength but I did have a dexterity and I often out thought folks, and eventually I ended up passing many of the boys in my performance. One of my very best friends around my intro to sports was Rocky, a tomboy of a girl who I adored. She could whip the boys in most anything and that actually was inspiring to me and is another big part of how I began to succeed. I did have friends that were boys, matter of fact most of them were. We played lots of army, superheroes, (I loved to pretend) and then of course pick up sports too. I was being properly raised as a boy even though when I could steal time alone I would imagine being a girl.
I saw a movie that a boy was turned into a snake by a scientist. I used that to come up with a great experience I would then repeat many times over. I imagined the girls in my class would kidnap me and take me to their lab and turn me into a girl. I would feign horror to them because I did not want them to know I actually wanted to be transformed. So I was even hiding my desire from the people in my imaginative scenarios. LOL Go figure.
I finally was able to become a dancer, in complete stealth though, as break-dancing and popping was considered cool and manly enough. It lead to girls digging me and I met my high school sweetheart. I was fascinated with her, wanted to know everything about how she felt and thought. Eventually we got sexual and I loved pleasing her especially orally, though I could take or leave oral for me (but I did enjoy intercourse.) I knew then I enjoyed pleasing and always looked for feedback that I was pleasing her. I did like receiving, but I loved when she was the aggressor more than anything and luckily she kind of was.
I was still learning about the female she was that I thought I was also supposed to be when I got her pregnant and had to provide. I joined the Marine Corps, we got married and she's admitted (as we discussed this as I have openly admitted my gender confusion to my immediate family, looking for confirmation I was right about this or disagreement that could change my mind. I have gotten varying degrees of confirmation from everyone except not really from mom and certainly not from dad.) My ex-wife admitted I had some bizarre behaviors and things she could not put a finger on that make sense to her now. She thinks for sure I am a female in a man's body and even thinks that is why she trusted me like no one before or since (even though she is married to the right guy for her now.) There is more to the details with her, but we divorced young, she was unfaithful, but what ended it was her expecting me to get revenge and me getting tired of being grilled about it. I even see how I left her needing something more in a subtle way, that maybe does not justify adultery, but does somewhat explain why it occurred.
I played the role of guy as I was raised to do with just minor failures. In private I still would masturbate from time to time(since I learned how to finally) to stories and porn not even realizing I was always the woman. I would jokingly say "I am a lesbian in a man's body" to my friends (I have since realized that is false, as I am always with a man never a woman. Once I transition I would like to be with a man in a loving relationship, though I understand at my age I may just continue being single.) Eventually I stopped caring about being a male, and I did not date making up a myriad of reasons why. I also got fat and I would say I am this many months pregnant, as my health deteriorated steadily while I watched knowingly and uncaringly. I would at times sneak the question into a convo about "who has ever wanted to be the other sex for a day or two?" Nearly everyone would say "no." Though a select few admitted they thought about it once, so maybe they'd try it. I was like "I would for sure!" purposefully overstating my excitement in a joking manner, and because I was a ham who often joked I got away with it. But inside I knew I wanted to be female for more than a day.
I had even done the old praying to God to let me just die and come back as a female many times throughout my life, and once my health was deteriorating I slowly asked more and more. I was not suicidal, even though I got very unhealthy in a manner that was possibly a passive aggressive approach to not giving a ->-bleeped-<- to live. I grew to almost 370 pounds and became a type II diabetic with terrible blood sugar control. Sure, I dropped some weight initially, but not because I cared, it was due to ketosis. During this same slid in health I started to wear black and white as I was giving up, as I was always in love with colors I do believe it was in response to my internal unhappiness. This even while on the outside I put on a happy enough face, often times being the life of the party, hamming it up for all to see.
I still have only had intercourse with my wife and the other long term girlfriend I had in my mid-twenties. I had shots at others and caught ->-bleeped-<- for being too gentlemanly. I stayed single for about 15 years, as my son was living with me and I got busy with that and my daughter visited more then too. But as they got older they told me to date, I never did. They moved out I got lonely and tried to date a couple gals but never got excited about it. I no longer needed to ask questions as I had lots of data. I did not cross dress, or use make up, it did not even cross my mind with my son living with me. However, I still would usually imagine being a woman when I masturbated, or just did it for the physical sensation. I think it was no longer just about the imagining being a female but also the chemicals releasing into my brain numbing my dissatisfaction and frustration. I finally had an aggressive gal I had been on a few dates with who kind of forced herself on me. I pleased her orally and failed to do anything else and was not troubled by it. She was, and we stopped seeing each other the very next day. Oh well. It did cause a small almost imperceptible break in the wall though.
It broke after some drama that led to me saying I have to be honest with myself and a prayer of desperation to God one night like none of the others before as I hollered out loud for God to bail me out. God did in an odd way I feel, I can share more on that later as it is refutable as coincidence. I then told myself if I am being honest and think back, I always felt I was a girl in the wrong body. So I decided I am going to accept that I am, and start to look into how best to deal with it. So here I am, and I have so much more story, but I think this is more than enough to introduce myself. As I am looking for new friends who can relate, any one with advice whether it be that I am over thinking it, or there is something too this.
Thanks in advance.
