Suggestions wanted. How should I deal with this next time?

[suzifrommd]

Twice in the past couple of weeks, I was called "sir" by two different supermarket checkout clerks.

They are not clocking me. They were both around long enough to remember when I used to come in the same store as a male, so they know I transitioned. To people who don't know, I pass pretty well nearly all the time.

In each case, it was under their breath, and I barely heard it, but I know what they said.

In one case the woman was openly cold to me (in a store that prides itself in a friendly staff), and I think she doesn't approve of my transition. In the other case, the woman was very friendly and we had just finished a discussion about her medical ailments.

What would you say/do if a store clerk called you "sir" (or in the case of FtM, "ma'am" or "miss")?

[peky]

Hi, Suzi,

I would first find out if there is a corporate statement about EEO in the company website.  Next, I would go to the store, see if you can find out the names of the employees. The, and finally, I would go and speak to the store manager. I would just said something like: "I have been coming to this store for X number of years, and I would like to continue giving you my business but I would like you to speak to your employees, specially "so and so" about being sensitive and using the correct pronouns.... etc, etc."

Hope this helps

P

[E-Brennan]

I'd say, "Do you know of any other supermarkets around here?"

I'm not one to cause a scene, and this is one of those incidents where it would be far easier - for me - to just take my business elsewhere.  Problem solved.  But if it's a situation where there's just one supermarket in town, I'd probably ignore it or maybe mention it to a manager quietly if it continued.

If there's a choice between a hostile place to shop and a more friendly/respectful place to shop, I'd choose the latter.  I don't believe that transitioning requires that we must educate every stranger we meet who doesn't like trans individuals, and we're entitled to transition and choose the easy path where we interact with people and companies who already understand how to behave properly.  Activism isn't always necessary.

Disclaimer - this advice is coming from someone who hates confrontation.

[suzifrommd]

I'd say, "Do you know of any other supermarkets around here?"

Thanks for the suggestion, but this is something I'm really not considering seriously.

I go there, because it's the best one. I can't see letting a few unpleasant clerks bully me out of the store I've been going to for years.

[Danielle Emmalee]

I would call them the opposite gender of how they were presenting.  That would give them the hint, I think.  If they say anything, tell them you thought it was opposite day since they called you sir and are clearly not a sir.

Or, if you want to be mature about it, I wouldn't go behind their back and talk to the manager first, maybe just gently correct them.  They'll probably either apologize or do something that you can then talk to their manager about.

[Sephirah]

What would you say/do if a store clerk called you "sir" (or in the case of FtM, "ma'am" or "miss")?

I'd remember that they probably hate every second they have to work there, and look for ways to alleviate that at others' expense. Misery loves company, as it were.

And then I'd remember that I get to leave the store and go live a life that makes me happy, and fulfilled, while they don't. I'd feel sorry for them, smile, and go treat myself to a nice cup of coffee after doing my shopping.

[King Malachite]

If you are intent on continuing your buisness there, then the next time you hear it, you just kind of ask "I'm sorry, what was that last part you said?"  Then depending on how the answer goes, you could say "it's mam", or if if they say nothing, you could laugh and say "oh I'm sorry, I thought you had said sir"....

If that doesn't get their attention, then I would go to a manager, or if on the reciept you have the option of emailing how the empoyee did, then I would utilize that.

[Nero]

People can be oblivious sometimes. They may know you've transitioned and it still may not have registered to switch to 'ma'am'. Especially with service people on autopilot. This is probably the case with the friendlier cashier, unless you're sure she muttered it under her breath. Like Malachite suggested, I would just gently correct them and then approach a manager if it becomes obvious they're doing it on purpose.

[Ltl89]

Twice in the past couple of weeks, I was called "sir" by two different supermarket checkout clerks.

They are not clocking me. They were both around long enough to remember when I used to come in the same store as a male, so they know I transitioned. To people who don't know, I pass pretty well nearly all the time.

In each case, it was under their breath, and I barely heard it, but I know what they said.

In one case the woman was openly cold to me (in a store that prides itself in a friendly staff), and I think she doesn't approve of my transition. In the other case, the woman was very friendly and we had just finished a discussion about her medical ailments.

What would you say/do if a store clerk called you "sir" (or in the case of FtM, "ma'am" or "miss")?

Well, I don't get called sir, but people use the terms like buddy all the time.  For me it's different as I'm not full time,but it does annoy me all the same.  It probably isn't meant to be hostile in every case, so I wouldn't confront anyone and it's likely not going to be a comfortable or productive conversation to begin with.  Maybe this just shows my defeatist attitude and lack of inner strength, but I would just shop some place new.  No reason to put myself into a state of grief when there are so many competing businesses.  I mean why would I want to go back there.

Sorry you went through that, I wish people were more thoughtful of how other people feel.

[big kim]

 1 Rat them out, or
2 Get your shopping when they want payment tell him to stick it up his/her ass and walk off.Not very grown up but it gave me a laugh when I did it!

[ErinM]

I have a similar problem at my grocery store, this is especially a challenge because I used to work there. Most staff have been good once tell them about my transition.

One cashier who I worked with in the past clearly had problems with my transition - he would always serve me with a look of disgust on his face. I only see him there 1 out of 10 times and usually just avoid his till. I just don't see it as being worth the effort to get him in trouble.

Another cashier has always been very friendly to me, insists on calling me "Rick" and that was never my name. I've corrected her several times with both names now and she still doesn't remember that my name isn't Rick.

[JulieC.]

It's only a guess of course but I think the one that was friendly to you probably did it on accident and I think the one that was cold to you did it on purpose.  In both cases I would just say that I prefer to be called ma'am and see if it happens again.  If it does you should complain to the manager.  Unless this is a mom and pop store I guarantee they have a policy that requires employees to treat everyone respectfully.

The other thing is they have to deal with all kinds of ass***** all day long.  For me I find it's important to be polite and respectful to them first if you expect it in return. And you should expect it just like everyone else.  That's why if it's being done on purpose it's important to complain about it.

[Eva Marie]

If you are intent on continuing your buisness there, then the next time you hear it, you just kind of ask "I'm sorry, what was that last part you said?"  Then depending on how the answer goes, you could say "it's mam", or if if they say nothing, you could laugh and say "oh I'm sorry, I thought you had said sir"....

^ this

It is a tactful way to deal with such aggression, and it serves notice that you noticed it and gives them a chance to get it right with plausible deniability/face saving. And I would say that it has a good chance of embarrassing them too which is a plus. If you just heard wrong then it's no harm/no foul to anyone.

I remember that Cindy James once had a similar situation with malicious misgendering at a hotel when she asked where the ladies room was and was told where the mens room is instead. She handled it the same way, except she said "Are you blind?" in a very loud voice LOL......

[Rachel]

Preempt the bigots.

Go to their line. When you are being waited on say Hi I am Suzi. If they misgender you then state the obvious. I am female refer to me as she, Mam and her.

If they are saying it under their breath they are not sure of themselves and are insulting you on purpose.

Your choices are:

Go somewhere else,
avoid them,
address them,
allow it to happen unopposed.

[FrancisAnn]

I would call them the opposite gender of how they were presenting.  That would give them the hint, I think.  If they say anything, tell them you thought it was opposite day since they called you sir and are clearly not a sir.

Or, if you want to be mature about it, I wouldn't go behind their back and talk to the manager first, maybe just gently correct them.  They'll probably either apologize or do something that you can then talk to their manager about.

I agree, stick to your guns, call them the opposite name loud & clear a few times. I bet they change.   

[Cindy]

I have had this a few times recently at restaurants, when the waitress has said something along the lines of 'I hope you gentlemen enjoyed your meal' or a variation of that. It wasn't noticed by my partner, but obviously I did. When I mentioned it to him he was quizzical and said 'they are just being silly, anyone who misgenders you is just foolish,you are obviously a woman and I think they are either jealous or ignorant, I wouldn't worry about it they are struggling with their lives and you are clearly not struggling with yours.' I took comfort from that and now I just smile at them and ignore them as they are irrelevant to my life.

Lesser people are just that.

[suzifrommd]

Thank you all for the helpful responses.

Based on what I read, I think next time it happens, I will ask, "did you call me sir?" If they apologize or ask how I want to be addressed, I will tell them to use "ma'am" or "miss" (well a girl can hope...). If they are surly or unapologetic, I will speak to the store management.

[Evienne]

For me, if there was another check out, I may just avoid them, or I would learn to deal with it if they were trolling me, or even just tell them "hey, could you please stop calling me that, I don't like it." They technically shouldn't be rude to you, so if they don't stop, you can send in a complaint.

[Ms Grace]

Thank you all for the helpful responses.

Based on what I read, I think next time it happens, I will ask, "did you call me sir?" If they apologize or ask how I want to be addressed, I will tell them to use "ma'am" or "miss" (well a girl can hope...). If they are surly or unapologetic, I will speak to the store management.

Calling them out on their behaviour, intentional or not, is the best approach. Then, as you say, talk to the manager.