insecurity and other stuff

[Paula white]

Ok where to begin?

I am nearly 48 and have struggled with gender issues all my life, as long as I can remember ( started age 4). I've hidden it and ran away from it. Fast forward to beginning of last year and my anxiety and general mood were very bad. I got therapy, just a general therapist at first. When my gender issues surfaced she recommend a specialist who I have been Seeing for a couple of months.

I now know that I am transexual and believe that the only way that I can truly be myself is to transition

But I have massive insecurities about commencing transition at this stage of my life.  I started another thread about my age and whilst I got a encouragement there was little information as to how things turn out ( physically, emotionally, and practically) for older transitioners. My wife understandably wants a divorce but says she will support me and be there for me regardless what I decide to do. My questions are ( to start at least)

1 How do you really know you know? I am pretty certain this is what I need to do but having existed as male for 48 years how can I be sure I will be happy as a woman? I could go to all that effort and still be in the dark place I am now, just looking the other way!

2. I do not pass on any level. I am 6ft 2 in and 218lb ( down from 246lb at New year though so headling in right direction) so I will need all help I can get to even approach an acceptable outcome. My facial features are fairly male but not overly so ( will post picture if needed). I know nobody can tell me how I will turn out but is it better to comit to hormones before FFS and if so how long ( doing laser on face now and that is working well). If hormones first how long before I can or should consider FFS which trust me I will need.

Is it essential in UK that I go full time before they will prescribe hormones. Even if I go private?

It seems the correct approach, to me at least, for somebody like me is to prescribe hormones to see if the dysphoria improves before making the massive decision to go full time? Even if it were for a few months. Surely the hormones would have a calming or confidence effect at least, so making the decision to go full time easier.
How will I adjust to the social changes, is this something I will have to learn or will I just get used to it and gradually slip into a female roll.

I have an appointment with a private gender clinic in mid April and if I need to do anything beforehand I would like to know.

Thanks in advance
.
Paula

[JoanneB]

"The only way I can truly be myself is to transition"

What is "Transition"? In my case at the tender age of 50 something and dealing with my gender issues since childhood, "Transition" started with the first step being finding a way a way to bring together what I saw as two very disparate aspects of myself in order to become one whole, healthy, and happy person. One side of me was a life spent feeling ashamed, guilty, undeserving, a faker; yet had plenty of accomplishments to be proud of, a life that is a large part of who I see myself as as a person, and provided status, wealth, and even some happiness. The other representing my true joy, happiness, and at various times and to various degrees my passion.

To me transition is a process of personal growth and discovery. Being transgender also means the world is far from binary Male-Female. There are plenty of colors in the spectrum that resides between those two "ideal" extremes. Which also implies a diversity of coping techniques waiting to be discovered. This process I undertook is enabling me to feel more complete, finally happy to be in my own skin, and even some joy. After 5 years I still struggle with the question of do "I need to go full-time?". I still have to answer no to that. Nor is it practical for me to at this point. Then there is the cost, both personally and professionally. Part of which stems from the fear of the unknowns involved.

Perhaps there is also a middle ground that can work for you too. Unfortunately, being in the UK, even low dose HRT is likely not an option. I found that my TG support group has done wonders in helping me shed the ton of negative emotional baggage like shame and guilt that acquired over the decades. Finally having access and seeing a gender therapist is also helping me. This is on top of the ton of other little things I used over the years to get by by expressing and seeing my true self

[Lizzie]

1 How do you really know you know? I am pretty certain this is what I need to do but having existed as male for 48 years how can I be sure I will be happy as a woman? I could go to all that effort and still be in the dark place I am now, just looking the other way!

When you think of yourself as a woman do you feel happy? If so then the answer could be yes. I was told to take small steps in my own little bubble. But even before that, when just think about and call myself by my chosen name or even write it it makes me feel better. So I'm sure it's the right path for me.

[stephaniec]

to be honest, You really need to ask you self why you want to do this. Why give up one life for the unknown. what benefit are you going to get by living as a female. I've lived with this since birth and it hasn't been fun. I had to change or die. I have a future now, I didn't 5 months ago. It's different for me because I have nothing to lose except my life. You just need to ask yourself why you're doing this and is it truly worth the loss. What really makes it more desirable.

[RosieD]

(i) I started another thread about my age and whilst I got a encouragement there was little information as to how things turn out ( physically, emotionally, and practically) for older transitioners.

1 How do you really know you know? I am pretty certain this is what I need to do but having existed as male for 48 years how can I be sure I will be happy as a woman? I could go to all that effort and still be in the dark place I am now, just looking the other way!

2. I do not pass on any level. I am 6ft 2 in and 218lb ( down from 246lb at New year though so headling in right direction) so I will need all help I can get to even approach an acceptable outcome. My facial features are fairly male but not overly so ( will post picture if needed). I know nobody can tell me how I will turn out but is it better to comit to hormones before FFS and if so how long ( doing laser on face now and that is working well). If hormones first how long before I can or should consider FFS which trust me I will need.

(ii) Is it essential in UK that I go full time before they will prescribe hormones. Even if I go private?

(iii) It seems the correct approach, to me at least, for somebody like me is to prescribe hormones to see if the dysphoria improves before making the massive decision to go full time? Even if it were for a few months. Surely the hormones would have a calming or confidence effect at least, so making the decision to go full time easier.

(iv)How will I adjust to the social changes, is this something I will have to learn or will I just get used to it and gradually slip into a female roll.

(v) I have an appointment with a private gender clinic in mid April and if I need to do anything beforehand I would like to know.

Hiya Paula,

welcome to Susan's.  I have taken the liberty of doing a bit on re-numbering as there were a lot of different points on your post and I wanted to make it obvious what I was replying to.  Hopefully you aren't too wedded to your original numbering scheme.

(i) If people are being honest then they won't give you an answer because exactly what the effects of hormones will be on you no=one can say.  There are some general guidelines (which you can locate easily enough) about what might happen but one of it is guaranteed.  I started on hormones more-or-less on my 43rd birthday and the effects are obvious to me, if not anyone else.

1.  You don't.  I did a thing where I made up a list of criteria so I could assess whether I was truly suffering from GD or not then categorised 'stuff' to see whether I really was afflicted or not and got one answer.  Then using the same criteria I tried again a bit later and got the opposite answer.  So I made a new list and categorised 'stuff' to see whether...

2. Passing or not has very little to do with how you look (within reason) and far more to do with how you present.  See also (iv)

(ii) I believe that if you go private you can start HRT before going FT.  In theory you can do so on the NHS as well but I am not aware of anyone who has done so in practice - though the NHS have a slightly unique definition of full time.  See also (v)

(iii) The hormones may not help you with going FT.  There are ladies on here for whom it was essential, others who have been on hormones for ages and are no nearer going FT than before they started and others (like me) who were so desperate to drop the whole man thing they just went FT anyway.  Similarly with the calming effect, somepeople find they help, others find they hinder.

(iv) You are going to need to learn.  And practice, then learn some more.  After that you will need to practice, then practice a bit more and then learn some stuff.  Then you will need to learn some stuff and practice...

(v) A deed poll showing that you have changed your name.  TBH I am no sure whether this will help with private or not but it is the measure that the NHS use.  There seems to be the slightly bizarre idea that there is no need for you to present any differently so long as you have the right bits of paper and people are using female pronouns.  Or something.

Rosie