Life: A Mixed Bag, Some Positive; Mostly Negative...Advice for Me? Please help!

[GorJess]

So yeah, life. Kind of an outlook on myself. Things are...interesting. Basically, I'm okay with my looks, after 15 months of HRT, which was a mental, self-image issue for me for years. I got told by the presenter of a university transition program that hormones made me look like not even the same person, and that the 'before' photos looked like my brother. That's good, but I mean, I feel like I'm invisible, shallow as it is to say so, when I post in the Fabulous thread. It's like I'm not there, too much of life is like that these days. Makes me wonder if I even look okay...I thank Jamie for a remark about my smile, but alas, self doubt creeps in. Discouraging. At least I have my mother, sisters, family, and basically everyone super supportive of transition around me, as nobody's given me a negative reaction, guess maybe they expected it.

There's also a lot missing from my life, whether it be I have no life outside of class, missing my father, depression, hating my down there, being single, and just doing terrible in my classes. Regarding classes, I got a 38 (out of 100) on this accounting exam, got told I should drop the course by the professor. I won't because I want to prove her wrong, just need to get two 80s on the next two exams, totally feasible if I put my mind, effort to it, but it really stings, and really is representative of how my academic life is going. I used to be a statewide known student for my brain, and now I'm this piece of stupidity? I'm afraid to tell my mother, because she'll want me to graduate on time this spring, and I don't want to let her down, even though I feel massively overworked, overstressed, with 6 courses this semester. I can finish my other major in time, though, so at least I could graduate in that respect? I have another exam tomorrow I am sure to fail. I honestly am at the point where I'd rather not go back to class, because I can't stand my performance any more, and I want to see me succeed again. Right now, that seems impossible. Not to mention, a course I had to get an incomplete it over last summer since my father died then, still haven't finished it because of course I haven't. I feel truly pathetic about that. despite my circumstances.

But that's just it...I have no life, no friends outside of class, because my family has that demanding of a schedule for me. I'd love to be making friends, just as I am, since I find it so fun, easy, mind easing to just talk with someone about life, funny stories, how our relationships are going, and making each other laugh. I rarely get such opportunities, because I don't drive (back pains), and live at home (mental function is too low), I have to live off the schedules of those around me. I rarely complain about it, but it's eating into my social life, to help me develop, grow, as a young woman.

Of course, this goes back to my father as well: If he was around, making things work for activities I'd want would never be an issue. That, and I miss him tremendously. We could discuss anything together, be it sports, politics, modern events, and so on. He was a fellow academic of the world around us, and I rather miss that in my life. We just could wow each other on bizarre facts, histories, and it always wowed me. He was an inspiration for me to do well, to succeed, to talk about how my classes are going in a very even keel manner. I lack this in my life. What he brought to me in support and everywhere else, it can't be replicated. I wish I could see him another day, I want to be with him again, give his warm body a lovely hug, and discuss things as we used to. As a tear up when I write this, memories exist. They sure do, you just read them. But I want new ones. It would have been better if I had gone instead of him (note: not going to do anything that would compromise my safety and/or livelihood), for not just my sake, but my family's. I'm a freaking lazy, ungrateful mooch who has no sense of anything.

My life is depression filled, aside from an amazing Friday, where I had a great dinner and saw a French ballet out on the town. Made me feel very proud of my function in the world as a young woman. But now...my life seems to be a re-telling of the story of King Midas; everything he touched turned to gold, everything I touch, in contrast, turns to broken, unsatisfactory crap. I hate myself, and transition is the only thing going remotely well in my life these days. Nothing goes right for me, I hate myself, aside from the fact I'm female. That is the only thing right in my life at this point.

Except, of course, for down there. I just don't know how I'm going to get that right, as I twinge in pain, cry out in vain to try to beg valiantly to get it changed, but to no use. Had a good opportunity to get it via a game show, naturally failed that when I was so close, of course. That hurts on two levels, one a life dream, the other SRS. Also was going to have family willingly volunteer to pay half of my surgery. With my father gone, that naturally went with it. My only other option is to hope I get into grad school, supposedly not too hard, and take out a loan for living expenses for SRS. I have no other student debt at this time, so that needs to happen. I also have no boyfriend because of this. Not because I couldn't find a boyfriend who doesn't like me the way I am (ugh, no), but because I cannot freaking stand myself with this...this thing, this vile disgusting yucky, male, tube! Just, God, WHY? I need help with it, like now, I can't stand having it...I never could, my memories go back to age 3 on that, but I really can't now. It sticks out, and feels like a knife is jabbed in me, unremovable, and knifing in my true appearance. I hate it so, I need SRS really, really soon.

I do have a few things on the bright side, but too little, it seems. First off, I'm doing a documentary with the working title What I'm Made Of, as to hopefully make a difference in children's lives, to get them the help they need. Likely to change, but yeah. It's fun, and I see the producers next on March 24th, when my first and middle names get legally changed to Jessica and  Danielle, respectively. Also, hopefully presenting twice at the Philly Health Conference this June, one with a local FTM named Andy on our lives as teen transitioners, and another with my mother, and Jazz and Jeanette of 20/20, about making expectations, not limitations about us as transitioning youth and their experiences as parents with us, through various arts of expression of ourselves. (Come see me!) I also hopefully can graduate with my double major this May, and I have a trip to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico this summer, in a villa we're staying at, for a graduation gift, to show off my body.

Please help. I really do need it, and yes, I have a therapist. I appreciate your reading and response. I wish I was being too hard on myself, but given my history, it's all unfortunately too real. So sad, I'm just the state abbreviation of Montana. Can't even focus to study these days, I'm so down on myself, and then it cycles, sigh. Thank you in so many ways.

[izzy]

Life being a mixed bag is well said. As for your looks, your avatar picture really shows your female and you have a great style of dress. You do look fabulous. As for the people in my life, its not looking great because there are so against being transgender. I have to get over that hump and its probably your most difficult one to get over. I wish I could give you good advice in school. I found in school that by studying in small clumps and not over booking my schedule, I have managed to perform just as well if not better than by filling up my schedule. My creativity went up by taking a more relaxed stance on my classes. My father past away in 2011 and its very difficult still even to this day. I cant blame you.

[Trillium]

Hey Jessica,

Sorry to hear about your exam and life generally being on the low. You sound like an intelligent lady with high potential, but there are obviously issues, partially generated from circumstance, holding you down. I say partially as I think it's important to keep in mind your scenarios in life never fully control you. It's within you to find your self, to find love and acceptance for who you are and to create a better path to your goals. Try and see that you are not self-defined by your physical being, nor by your achievements, but instead by your unique perspective.

I'm happy to listen if you ever feel the need for an open ear and mind, "big firm hugs"

[stephaniec]

well , we've  all been through the nightmares, but hope is always there. Your definitely not alone.

[JoanneB]

Hmmm  Let's add things up. You are depressed over your father's death. You are trying to live up to your families expectations for school. You used academics as a way to bury your dysphoria. You are going for a double major(?), with one of them not something that excites you. Yet you started down that path and you don't want to be a disappointment to your family again. And you want to prove your prof wrong about dropping a course, even in spite of your totally overwhelmed feelings. Oh yes, I almost forgot, you are also dealing with transitioning. And I am guessing by finishing uni "on time" means within four years.

Me thinks you are expecting way too much of yourself. About any one of these things will send a normal person's life into a tailspin. So what can you change? You got half way to the answer with transitioning, something you did for yourself and not for your family. A double major sounds cool when you are in school. I know I was there too. Yet, in the real world outside of academia, the boss only cares if you can make money for them. There is always company paid for grad school after you get a job. Save a major for that. Lighten your load. Lower your own personal expectations. They seem to be making your life miserable, not joyful. Pick a major that turns on your juices and just finish that one. Stop overloading yourself. No reason for that now. Spend time learning what it is like to be you instead.

[ath]

Whenever I've been in a bad place mentally, I've found that changing things up a lot helps you get over it. Get out of the same rituals you've been in. Do new exciting things, just do anything to get something positive in your life. Simply changing how your daily life goes can change the whole way you think about things and what you focus on.

My father died in 2010 by falling 3 stories at work, backwards off a ladder. This caused me to feel a lot of grief, considering how surprising and sudden it was. Plus, I hadn't even seen him or spoken with him for a couple days beforehand. No reason, just was busy with school and being a 21 year old. Losing someone important to you is horrible, and I don't even know what to say other than I know what it's like. It can take some time for the wound to close and turn into a scar.

Your class load seems pretty daunting... Does your family really want you to finish it all in 4 years? I can tell you one thing though, as a college graduate myself, and that is that after you graduate it's quite a release. I myself now look back on my time in college as a good experience, even though at times I felt very pressured by my workload. I also had to pay my own way through, so I just took it at my own pace (5 years). At the start I tried aiming for 4, but then I realized I did not want to totally burn myself out, and if I took it just 2 semesters longer, I'd relieve a lot of the pressure.

Are they at all open to you taking longer to graduate? If not, I feel they have unrealistic expectations. 6 classes a day flat out sucks, been there, done that. It's really bad when they're all upper division, too.

You do seem like you have a whole lot going for you, though. You're almost done with a degree, your transition is going well, you're living as a girl, about to do a documentary, etc. Sounds like there is lots to be excited about in your life. It seems like how hard you've got to work at school is causing you some problems - I know it made me see my whole life negatively at times, even when I had tons to be feeling good about.

[GorJess]

Izzy, aww, thanks, I appreciate that! That was my fancy day out, had a presentation that day about presenting a PSA I had made, which looked radically awesome! I hope you get over that hump yourself; it's one I'm glad I don't have to deal with. Good advice on school. I honestly think I'll try that after today. Has to be better than what I'm doing now, right?

Trillium, aww, you're so sweet! I love your advice. Hopefully I can see myself in the same light.

Stephanie, yeah, hopefully I can wake up from this nightmare soon. It never has, and continues to get blacker, deeper. I just want the light of the sun to beacon upon me, a fresh morning dawn.

Joanne, this is basically it. I actually do like the majors I've chosen (Finance, French), but ultimately want to go to marketing for grad school since finance has proven to be overwhelming, and I just like selling things to people, what makes them tick. Basically, this one course is accounting, mentioned above. Honestly don't like it, through no fault of the professor, and I'll never need the material again. Just need to pass the course. Family's expectations are that they'd really appreciate it, with so many benefits if I could graduate within four years. In a way, I'm already on your advice path, though I honestly have to take it right after undergrad, as it's paid for. Expectations are high, indeed, though these have always been set out for me from the onset, be they internal or external, as a firstborn, and an only for a long time, and previous levels of insane success, leading to the same expectations.

ath, my condolences to you about your loss. Same age as I was/am, at 21. Mine seemingly had a bad heart, that was his. And yeah, they want it done within the four years, though thankfully not six courses a day, but 6 courses this semester, all high level, all related to both majors, nothing like an elective to free myself up with, like a women's studies course. I honestly think I could use another semester to relieve the stress, and aid the performance, however, I really need to figure out the right way to phrase it (any advice, anyone?) so they are understanding of the situation. I hope you're right (and thanks!) about me having a lot going for me, as I honestly don't see it. Lots to be excited about, of course, and I'm thankful for that, but, like you say, it seems minimized compared to the grind of classwork. This actually is because I can't focus on studying, as I'm so down on myself, I wind up getting distracted, in an attempt to make me happy, and it cycles, spirals out of control, as one would expect it to, given this course of short-term thinking action.

[ath]

ath, my condolences to you about your loss. Same age as I was/am, at 21. Mine seemingly had a bad heart, that was his. And yeah, they want it done within the four years, though thankfully not six courses a day, but 6 courses this semester, all high level, all related to both majors, nothing like an elective to free myself up with, like a women's studies course. I honestly think I could use another semester to relieve the stress, and aid the performance, however, I really need to figure out the right way to phrase it (any advice, anyone?) so they are understanding of the situation. I hope you're right (and thanks!) about me having a lot going for me, as I honestly don't see it. Lots to be excited about, of course, and I'm thankful for that, but, like you say, it seems minimized compared to the grind of classwork. This actually is because I can't focus on studying, as I'm so down on myself, I wind up getting distracted, in an attempt to make me happy, and it cycles, spirals out of control, as one would expect it to, given this course of short-term thinking action.

Well, I do have some advice for you there. It seems you're wanting to continue your education after your bachelors, right?

If that's the case, you could tell your family that you're wanting to take an extra semester to graduate, so that your quality of work is higher. Your last semester, like mine, may also be an ULTRA light workload. I literally just needed one single credit my last semester. What you can do at that time, though, is take courses that are going to be required for your master's program anyway. That gets some of your future work out of the way, while relieving you some of your stress right now.

Also, have you explained to them that your current workload is causing you a lot of stress and pressure? At my university, and I feel most universities, not many people finish their BA in 4 years. Those I know that did that, had pretty much no social life to speak of as a result, and were constantly working.

On top of that, you're working on a double major.

I'd know a lot about that, having a double major and a minor myself. I know precisely ZERO people who have a double major, and could finish it in 4 years. Especially considering your two majors are pretty much totally unrelated. This means you have to do a lot more coursework than your average student, and get many more credits beyond the number required for a single major, or just the blanket number of credits needed to graduate period.

I worked the system myself, with my two majors being interconnected (International Studies and German, minor in history). I used history classes to apply to both majors, reducing my course load and basically earning me a free minor. Even with that, there were many more classes I had to take, and I graduated with way more total credits than most people. For someone in your situation, I can't imagine much that connects French and Finance. So, other than general requirements required for all majors, you've pretty much got to do two majors worth of work, for one degree.

I wasn't exactly in your situation family-wise. My family offered me nothing in regards to paying for college, and as such I pretty much brushed -their- desires for my education totally aside, I went with what I wanted to do, at the pace I wanted. I lucked out getting scholarships and grants to cover almost everything, and all that was just from my own hard education work in high school, and the fact my mother is an accountant who works with grants, and knew what I could do haha.

At the same time, you said you'd be graduating this May, right? If that's the case, your semester is already mostly over, as I understand. Maybe the best thing at this point would be to try your hardest at just finishing it all up now, if your current classes finish out your degree. You're already enrolled, and I imagine that this late you can't withdraw/drop without basically losing all the money that went into it. It sounds like you've just got that one class as a problem.

I've just been in that 'oh s*** I have to do good on all future assignments or I'm not passing' situation, and I know how absolutely horrible it is. If this is the last semester, though, it may be a good idea to just hunker down and get it all finished up, especially if your family is being unreasonable about their expectations and unwilling to compromise.

If your family is willing to let you take a semester longer, though, it could be of great benefit. You could take that one class over again (only time I did that, I got a D the first try, and an A the second, lol) while doing coursework that is required for your masters, but not required for your bachelors. It'd relieve some pressure this semester, and you'd graduate next semester instead. But, you'd save a little time working on your masters at the same time - so that might not make it a 'total loss' in their eyes.

I could probably give more advise but I don't know all too much about your situation and how your family reacts to such things.



Another thing you may want to consider to improve the quality of your life, is to gain yourself some more independence. When I did that, things started going wonderful for me. However, I'm not using my degree for anything but looking at hanging on my wall. I'm making plenty of money, not working so many hours, and I own my own business. I teach private music lessons in several instruments and also repair/modify guitars. Still glad I went to college, but I hope you and/or your family have plans for -after- you graduate. My plans didn't work out so well, so I fell back on the main passion in my life and my greatest talents - and the only reason I didn't study music was because I felt a music degree was worth absolutely nothing. (which I still feel. Talent will trump a PhD any day.)

[GorJess]

Absolutely want to continue my education after this academic semester, want to make for better, as well as more, job chances for me down the line. Get this MBA in marketing, hopefully get a career with some good prospects (probably starting around 35-40K a year--is this not realistic in this field?), work hard from there, then fire. Of course, that's best case scenario, but not totally unrealistic.

I honestly think I'll tell them that. And given it's my life, I kind of have a right to discuss that with them. It's ultimately going to be only one class I need, with probably 3 others, to qualify as full time (necessary for my health insurance), as just ones for fun, like acting, women's studies, and probably another marketing one, so I know more about that.

For some reason, I haven't talked to them about the pressure, but I'll mention it tomorrow after class when I discuss entertaining the possibility of dropping the course. It'd not only help stress, but help me devote more time to my other classes. I also echo your sentiment, regarding finishing in four years, and a double major--nobody I know in this business department has done it in the minimum four years, most usually have one last course or whatnot to finish up. And I don't find shame in doing it one extra semester, if they don't. If it's what I need, it's what I need, right?

Thankfully, the money regarding classes isn't a concern, as I'd lose seriously nothing by dropping now, given how I get my tuition all but free (my semesters combined, including books and food would shock me if it was over $5,000), assuming they don't change the textbook. Given it's still 2014, I imagine and hope they wouldn't.

[ath]

Absolutely want to continue my education after this academic semester, want to make for better, as well as more, job chances for me down the line. Get this MBA in marketing, hopefully get a career with some good prospects (probably starting around 35-40K a year--is this not realistic in this field?), work hard from there, then fire. Of course, that's best case scenario, but not totally unrealistic.

I honestly think I'll tell them that. And given it's my life, I kind of have a right to discuss that with them. It's ultimately going to be only one class I need, with probably 3 others, to qualify as full time (necessary for my health insurance), as just ones for fun, like acting, women's studies, and probably another marketing one, so I know more about that.

For some reason, I haven't talked to them about the pressure, but I'll mention it tomorrow after class when I discuss entertaining the possibility of dropping the course. It'd not only help stress, but help me devote more time to my other classes. I also echo your sentiment, regarding finishing in four years, and a double major--nobody I know in this business department has done it in the minimum four years, most usually have one last course or whatnot to finish up. And I don't find shame in doing it one extra semester, if they don't. If it's what I need, it's what I need, right?

Thankfully, the money regarding classes isn't a concern, as I'd lose seriously nothing by dropping now, given how I get my tuition all but free (my semesters combined, including books and food would shock me if it was over $5,000), assuming they don't change the textbook. Given it's still 2014, I imagine and hope they wouldn't.

I would say $30-40k is not unrealistic considering my sister's first 'real' job after getting her masters pays her about $62k a year (she started at $58k I think). Granted, I live in Alaska, and up here people tend to make more money. Her masters is in education, though, and she just works compiling and analyzing statistics that regard test scores, and a multitude of other things. I'm sure you could land at least a $30-40k job if you're lucky with job opportunities.

It -is- your life. Your transition is evidence that you're willing to take the direction of your life into your own hands, and the fact that your family seems totally accepting of it should give you a route to explain to them that you need to have the direction of your life in your own hands - not that you'd just brush aside the thoughts of your family - but that it needs to be mainly you holding the reigns.

On top of that, taking an extra -semester- is not the end of the world, nor is it the most important decision in your life. In many years, in retrospect, this decision will probably appear pretty minor. I'm sure that taking a year or a semester less than I did to graduate would not have done me any good.

Nobody who is actually currently in college, and nobody who works on the staff, and most graduates find no problem at all, and no shame whatsoever in taking longer than 4 years.

Really, one could argue that setting any sort of 'number of years' one must take to graduate does nothing but -limit- your education. Why take 4 years and have to truly rush your education, when you could take 4.5 or 5 and actually do all your classes justice - to actually do them right. The harder you are able and willing to work at mastering a class, the better you will be at educating yourself. If you're trying to cram all of your education into a small window, it's going to do nothing but make you less able and possibly also less willing to 'do it right' and 'do your education justice'.

Also, I probably paid at least $5000-$7000 per semester in tuition alone, not to mention books, and everything else. Good thing I got scholarships and grants, lol.

I figured that textbooks are a massive ripoff, and most classes do not truly require them for you to master the material, or even simply pass the course. The only exceptions are things like literature courses, history courses, high level language courses where you must read books in the material, etc. I myself almost always got by without textbooks. Even if a professor required work out of those books, I'd simply employ strategies such as taking pictures of required stuff from classmates' textbooks, or looking up the book online, maybe seeing bits of it from google, and also simply being good at learning the material in class and figuring out what I needed to know.

My last semester I took a political science course - it was to fill out that one last required credit (and the course gives 3 credits, haha). I was one of two people who got an A on the midterm, and the only person to get an A on the final, and I did not even own or ever read the textbook.

[GorJess]

Wow, and considering I'm going for my master's, and if it bends well, that's a lot more than I'd expect. Awesome. I mean, no sure thing, certainly, but hey.

Regarding the second point, yeah. We basically reached a fair midway point. I'll stay in the course for now, and while it'd be better because of "advantages"(?) of doing so, maybe age as one, if I do poorly on the next exam, I can drop the course. Granted, I'd need special permission at that point, but I have connects at the university that given these situations, should be totally understanding. Basically, I made the point you did, myself, and it worked. Not entirely, but better than expected.

And yeah, totally agree on textbooks, waste of money. I often have not bought them, done well. Some courses, as you say need them, but I often find them the exceptions, not the rules.

I also was discussing this in the chat...I think there's a connect I missed. I'm doing amazing in my French course, and my professor knows of my history. However, only one of five professors knows in my finance department. I'm doing the best of the five in the one that knows. I'm going to honestly discuss this, if I possibly can to them, if I can figure out a way, or someone above them, like on a Dean level, in that transition is stressful as heck, plus my other upthread mentioned items. I keep it so secret I try to avoid former professors, by avoiding their offices as-is. Should I see them, by bad luck? Duck, cower my head, and look at something else like my computer, my purse, or so on. That's got to change, and even I realize it's not healthy.

[sagitilicious]

You shouldn't call yourself a piece of stupid, or anything of the sort! You can't write so mucb and expect anyone to believe it comes from a less-than-exceptional mind.

It seems like you have a few huge things going on in your life. A lot of people truly have trouble handling one of such things, let alone all together. You seem rather strong but even wonder woman was tested sometimes.

I say keep at it and keep persevering.

If you need to hear it (and even if not), I'll happily tell you you're pretty, and Jamie was right about your smile.

I know skies are turbulent and grey, but I hope light starts breaking through.