Having to sell the things that defined us

[kathyk]

JoAnn and I have split, and in the last 6 weeks there's been a lot of changes.  But yesterday I met with a Real Estate agent to list the little old vacation home we bought ten years ago, and a rental house JoAnn and I completely rebuilt by ourselves.  They're 110 year old company town houses that have little value, but we put our hearts into them as we added the personal touches of our lives. 

What's got me confused and worried is that JoAnn doesn't want me to take over the house we're currently fixing.  She suddenly said she wants to work on it with me and make it into the grand home it once was.  But why ?   Is it solely to reap profit, or does she really want to work with me?  Is it a way to maintain control over my life for a little longer? 

I told JoAnn last night that I am not putting of the surgery that was offered for next fall, and that I'm going to live in California nearly full time from April through next Thanksgiving.  When we ended the call she said "Love you" and those two words have stuck in my head since then.  Yes I still love her also, but my life has to change, or it will end.  After all, it's why I walked out of my marriage in January, and JoAnn seems to be making this biggest of all changes more difficult.

[Eva Marie]

Kathy-

My guess is that JoAnn has had space between you and her for 6 weeks and it has allowed her to think about things and maybe she is beginning to realize that she misses you and her old life. That of course doesn't fix things between the both of you, but it does seem like a softening of her position to me.

Anyway, tread carefully sister. There be dragons here.

[kathyk]

...
Anyway, tread carefully sister. There be dragons here.

Yup.  It's got me a bit baffled and concerned.

[stephaniec]

I think you said you've been married for 35 years. Its the only life she's known. It's going to be difficult

[vlmitchell]

Uhm... being the optimist I am, perhaps she has had enough time to think about things and wants to maybe work things out? Open up a bit if you want to keep your possibilities. Being with your partner of 35 years will be of invaluable worth, if you can keep it.

[kathyk]

I've made a call to JoAnn and left a message.  Nothing back yet, but I'll try again before she goes to work.

[Allyda]

Uhm... being the optimist I am, perhaps she has had enough time to think about things and wants to maybe work things out? Open up a bit if you want to keep your possibilities. Being with your partner of 35 years will be of invaluable worth, if you can keep it.

I agree with Victoria here. If there's any way you can salvage that relationship, go for it. Commitment like that is hard to find, very hard.

[kathyk]

JoAnn and I had a long talk today and she's decided over the last week to stay separated, but not divorce for at least a year and maybe two or three.  I'm not going back into the marriage the way things are, but she still wants to take vacations up here with me to work on the house.   

35 years married, and out to her for over 20.  Maybe we can still make this separation thing work out. 

Thanks Stephanie, Victoria, and Allyda.  You got me thinking a little differently about JoAnn's priorities.

[stephaniec]

well, your welcome , 35 years is a lot of life

[AnneB]

Kathy, reading this, I can not even begin to know what to feel.  Pain, sorrow, sadness, but maybe, hope?  I feel for you and the 35yrs you have been together.  Ours will be 30yrs in Dec, and I am terrified that there may not be 31.  I have not come out yet, tho, 5mos I have been on herbals.  The changes are def. there, but the family has not really seen.  I am happy for you that 20 of the 35 have been open, but sad for you still, that things are not going to stay as before.  As the others have written, it does sound like she still wants to share the house, with you.  That is good.

Prayers for you.

Anne

[DrBobbi]

Don't be selfish. You're the moving party and need to be good to her. 35 years means something and having her as your ally is priceless.