Acceptance

[JenniferGreen]

Hi Girls.

I new here but I thought I would reach out and get to know others in my position . I have a history of crossdressing going back to when I was a kid. In my teens for some reason unknown to me at the time I would dress up in my mums clothes and love to feel girly. I now understand that it is because I have a slightly different gender make up to some others out there. I was very confused and tried to pretend that it did not really happen or convince myself that There was no problem and that I was just being silly. Over the years from my teens into my thirties I did not dress that much but in times of stress I found myself buying the odd item of clothing and sometimes trying on my partners clothes when she was away for the weekend. Then two years ago my relationship ended after 23 years following a very stressful time we had when my daughter of three yoa had cancer and was close to death. In the time my daughter was in treatment for a year and a half I found myself strangely drawn to dressing as a girl. I felt scared and guilty as he'll given what was going on at home but I really began to explore the whole experience ie. makeup, wigs tights dresses you know the one. I was really confused at this time as I did not accept what was happening and again tried to pretend that I was not really doing it and that it was some little quirk or perversion that I needed to stop or control.

Then I moved out of the family home and found myself living by myself for the first time ever. The first thing I did was buy myself some skirts tops and underwear and dress up at home.  I was so racked by guilt that I was extremely depressed and considered doing something stupid. Yes I was really scared.  Two or three times I was close to the edge.  Then I got a job as a contractor working away from my home town and spent a lot of time on my own during the week.  I stepped up my exploration of my feminine side (that's how I was beginning to rationalise it to myself and while staying in a hotel went the next step. Bought proper outfits, shaved my body and began so spend a lot of time as a girl.  This went on for a few months before the guilt got the better of me and I regrettably purged all my stuff and tried to tell myself that that was an end to it.  Needless to say that did not work. Within three months I was back out shopping and building up my wardrobe again.  I felt this was enough and that I needed help.  The confusion and guilt had built up so much that I was again worried that I might do something stupid.  I took the terrifying step of going to see a counsellor to finally talk to someone about why this was happening and to try to work out WTF was going on.  Within weeks of seeing the counsellor I accepted that I was a crossdresser/transgendered male and had bEen all my life.  I began to feel better and proud of myself.  That came as a surprise to me.  I even attended my counselling sessions dressed as Jennifer.

I am now at the point where I am going to my first meeting with a local trans support group and am desperate to get out and about as the new me.  Terrifying as it is I have a need to go out and be the new me.  I even went out to the superstore dressed at the weekend to get my groceries. Only one man even looked twice at me and everyone else was not even interested in me apart from just going about the process of shopping! I even wen to the cigarette counter to get some tobacco and the lady serving there did not even respond apart from sell me the tobacco. I felt really strangely proud of myself as I felt that I was out as the person I felt more comfortable with.  I am still scared and working out where this goes from here but I hope some of you can offer some support.  If you have any insight or comments about my story please  let me know.  I am a bit nervous about doing this even but I am learning that sometimes you just have to be true to yourself and forget what others think.  Ooh we'll I await in fear and excitement.

Jennifer

[JenniferGreen]

Sorry was this story a bit to honest? I notice plenty of replays to everyone else.

[Lizzie]

Welcome to the family. I'm glad your learning to accept yourself. I wish I had the courage go out as me, as it stands I don't even have the courage to buy the clothes I want to buy right now. But I"m taking small steps myself, waiting on my wig. Then maybe I'll be getting some clothes next.

I suggest therapy, I've only just began mine but it's really helping even in unrelated issues. I always feel good after I come home from that. I plan on going to my first support soon I don't know as who but I know what you mean about it all being terrifying. Good luck to you.

[JenniferGreen]

yeah it is scary but you can only be yourself and it feels good to have the bravery to do it.  i hope you get some nice clothes and enjoy yourself.  It all very strange I know but you will feel better.  therapy has helped but only to give me the strength to get out there and stop denying who i am.  now that is done I can face the world and develop my confidence.  getting out is such a relief.

Jennifer

[AdamEmery]

Hello and welcome!
I'm quite new here myself.  But I just wanted to wish you luck on your journey, and say that it looks like you're off to a great start.

[JenniferGreen]

Thanks adam.  Thats a nice thing to say.  I hope you are doing well yourself. Are you new to just the forum or to exploring you feminine side?

[justjournalhonestly]

I am so glad you are here too, as I am just like Lizzie. Matter of fact I just had my second therapy session and am waiting to meet with my first group next week. I am in the process of losing weight and getting healthy now that I feel so much better (amazing how coming out has seemingly turned my outlook on life completely around.) I have been nervously getting closer to buying some clothes and makeup, nearly did so online but that would be major guessing. Hoping maybe the group I meet with can give me advice, plus I think my ex-wife will help too. I am excited to do it and want to just go out and do it right now and just say *bleep it** but again, just a tad to chicken. ARGH!!

So I see your tale as yet another inspiration I have found in this wonderful place! Thanks for sharing your bravery!

[JenniferGreen]

Update.......

I just went into town and met with girls from the local scene who i saw on the internet would be out.  Had to park in a multi story car part and walk to a proper pub (not trans specific).  They did not know me from adam but welcomed me to join them. Even went to dinner which meant walking across the centre with 4 other girls.  What a great night.  Also went to a corner shop to get some cigarette papers and the nice assistant gave me a lovely smile.  I really am loving getting out.  You just need to mentally forget the voices in your head and go about your life.  can't believe I am actually doing this.  Wish I had done it earlier.  Still bloody scary though.

Jennifer. x

[Jessica Merriman]

A big warm welcome to the family Jennifer. Sorry about the late welcome as I was at Oklahoma State University most of the day. I am so glad you found us and joined. You are most welcome here and not alone in your thought's and situation. You will find many caring compassionate people here to help you and be there for you on this journey you are starting. The best thing is we all understand you and know what you face. When you get 15 postings feel free to PM with any questions or just plain talk. Here is a BIG HUG  to welcome you and make you feel right at home, because you are now!

[Jamie D]

Sorry was this story a bit too honest? I notice plenty of replies to everyone else.

I apologize Jennifer.  I try to respond to every new intro, because every TG/TS person coming here needs to know they are welcome.

Crossdressers fall under the "transgender umbrella."  Dressing is just one way of coping with gender dysphoria.  I am sure you will make many new friends here, and hopefully you interactions here will help you figure it all out!  I know I'm still working on it.

These links will help you navigate the site:

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Age and the Forum
  
• Reputation rules
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

[JenniferGreen]

Thanks Jammie Jessica and Toni.  I hope that with al your support I can get through the difficult times that will naturally occur as my journey continues.  I feel really low sometimes but since coming out it is not as bad as it has been when denying my Transgender identity.  I really believe that new and confussing as it is I have done the right thing.  Going out in town last night is something that I never thought I would do.  I feel either brave or stupid.  Begining to think more about what safety measures I need in case it goes wrong or I get abuse.  That may be just the paranoid me.  Any advice?  all my experiences have been positive so far.
Jennifer

[justjournalhonestly]

HA! Your story of bravery (it is certainly not stupid) has me lined up to go makeup shopping tomorrow. A bold and terrifying step for a sissy like me! My ex-wife is taking me, so it won't be solo scarey thankfully.

[AdamEmery]

Thanks adam.  Thats a nice thing to say.  I hope you are doing well yourself. Are you new to just the forum or to exploring you feminine side?

You're quite welcome.  I'm just new to the forum, but I've only been out as transgender for about a month.
And I'm FTM.   But not afraid of my feminine side by any means, lol

[Jessica Merriman]

  That may be just the paranoid me.

Just don't get paranoid and enjoy yourself. Remember, everyone else has their problems and most will not even pay any attention to you. They are too busy with their issue's. Live free and to the fullest, none of us know how much time we have on this Earth.

[JenniferGreen]

Not feeling good right now. Ex has ruined my finances. I feel like I have gone too far to fast . Trying not to do something stupid. Help.

[JenniferGreen]

ok spoke to my friend joe and cried a lot. feeling a bit better but no need to panic . scary moment though.

[Jamie D]

Not feeling good right now. Ex has ruined my finances. I feel like I have gone too far to fast . Trying not to do something stupid. Help.

Too far, too fast.  Maybe so.  Then slow down a bit and catch your breath.

As far as finances and ex's go, you need to separate everything and repair the damage that has been done.  A financial advisor might be a good idea.

One last thing to remember:  When the going gets tough, the tough go ... shopping!

[JenniferGreen]

Thanks Jamie,

yesterday was a major wobble.  my friend is going to fly over from Ireland to see me in a few weeks time and I will go and get some financial advice.  its going to take some time to sort out though.  thanks for the advice.  it helps. 

Jennifer

[alena]

Going out in town last night is something that I never thought I would do.  I feel either brave or stupid.

That's definitely brave and I'm glad you had a great night! I think the voice in our heads is usually very critical and makes us a bit too paranoid. I hope things go well with you financial advisor.

Alena x

[JenniferGreen]

Thanks alenauk,

I d feel brave.  its just such a strange thing to be brave about.  I feel better for having done it.  !!