trying to understand my identity...bigender?

[Nero]

Have you ever noticed how transsexual people seem to place a huge emphasis on gender roles? How they're very likely to live up to certain stereotypes and be proud of it? Why do you think that is? To me, it's the ultimate sign that gender roles are behind gender dysphoria. I once read a study where the doctor behind it suggested the renaming of our gender issues from "Gender Dysphoria" to "Gender Expression Disorder", which I see as more adequate, but far from ideal.

If both men and women could wear the same things, do the same things, be perceived as equals... would anyone be discontent with their birth sex? Ask yourselves this question and be honest, not to me, but to yourselves. I can only speak for myself and not others, but I have no "right" answer for the question, I simply don't know how to answer it.

To throw in my two cents... Yes. Because the primary impetus for me to transition had absolutely nothing to do with social roles or clothing... it was a physical dysphoria. It was a feeling that the body I was living in was wrong on a fundamental level. The shape, the muscles, the body hair, the genital anatomy, it just all felt wrong, felt disgusting to me. And my brain felt like it was in a fog, where I could just never deal with the emotional block or the male sex-drive. And I'd look at women and their bodies and feel like that was what I should have.

And seeing as how there are indeed butch trans women, who still express themselves in very male-typical ways, but still received hormones and SRS, I think it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with social roles. Yes, for a lot of us it is about being seen as female by people, and being able to wear female clothes and do female-typical things. But for a lot of us, it's way more physical than social. And even in a world completely free from gender roles, we'd still feel like our bodies and our minds were not right, that they should be those of the opposite sex.

So where do you fall on that spectrum, Abby? Did you have physical dysphoria where you were uncomfortable with a male body, or was it more of a social thing for you? If you're more comfortable physically and mentally as a girl, then stay on HRT. If it was never a body issue, and you really don't care one way or the other, then yeah, you're probably somewhere in the middle, and it's just a matter of going with what makes you comfortable and not worrying about labels.

That's where I find the most distress among trans people... when we're trying too hard to live up to one label or the other, trying too hard to fit into societal standards, spending too much time labeling ourselves, rather than just doing what makes us happy and not worrying about what other people think. So yeah... just be you, and don't worry about which narrow societal box others would think that you'd fit in. (Needs to learn this myself, frankly. )

Same for me. It was primarily body dysphoria. Roles played a part as well. but I was able to cope a lot better before puberty. My main coping method as a kid was simply to pretend to be a boy all the time. It wasn't about what I did, as long as I was a 'boy' doing it. Puberty robbed me of my only coping mechanism. I wasn't a kid anymore and couldn't just have everyone pretend I was a boy in the guise of playing some character. And when my body changed, I could no longer suspend belief myself.

Anyway, it's both for me. But the body thing was worse. I think sometimes it's a little more clear for trans people with physical dysphoria. More clear cut that you need to change things just to feel comfortable physically.

I really think both gender roles suck majorly. I talk alot about the female one sucking, but that's because I lived in it longest. And it was wrong for me. For some reason, I don't feel as much pressure as I did in the female one. But that may be because I didn't grow up in it. I end up coming off as an androgynous personality in either role: too masculine in one, a bit on the femme side in the other. But as a guy, I can just shake that off easier. Be the kind of man I am. And not care.

Anyway, I'm rambling. It's not about role expression for me. I actually am more emotional as a guy and more caring and all that. Appreciating beautiful things, trying out stuff like fashion and interior decorating, etc. Even though that's the opposite of what I'm supposed to be in the male role. I feel less stifled somehow as a guy.

Maybe for some it is more about what role they can stand better. Or what role they seem more naturally suited for. I think everyone should just focus on being themselves and not whether they're male or female. Just doing what they've got to do to be comfortable in their bodies and lives.

[Kendra John]

I have faced a gender identity issue most of my life and I am in my 50s.   I consider myself bi gender because I have a deep inner feeling I am a man and a woman.  It does not have to do with personality although cross dressing helps me feel my inner female in a more profound way.   But I saw Episode 8 of Season 5 of CSI years ago and the final scene blew me away.  I have subsequently come across this scene in reruns while channel surfing.  Here is the dialogue from the last scene between Grissom the lead investigator and  a transgender male.:

Gil Grissom: I thought you'd want to know what happened to Wendy.
Mimosa: I appreciate your telling me. Killed by someone in our own community. As if we don't have enough enemies. Her parents never understood her, but still I think they should know. What do I say?
Gil Grissom: Show them an oyster.
Mimosa: I'm sorry?
Gil Grissom: There are two types of male oysters, and one of them can change genders at will. And before man crawled out of the muck, maybe he had the same option. Maybe originally we were supposed to be able to switch genders, and being born with just one sex... is a mutation.

So feeling both male and female is the normal for me and maybe the way society has developed is a mutation.


Hope this helps!!

Blessings to all.