Getting over self hatred and inner transphobia (trigger warning)

[Ltl89]

learningtolive:
You're 25?   I had no idea. I would have thought you'd been dealing with self hate for many many years by reading your posts.  What about those of us who dealt with inner turmoil for 50+ years and have now come to self acceptance?  You're the only one who can make the choice to get past this and get on with life.  Society is not against you.

Well, I may only be 25, but it's been 25 years of self hate, lol.  Seriously though, I know much of what everyone says is right.  What's in my head isn't always the reality as I will readily acknowledge that I always seen the worst in every scenario.  It's just I want to get over all these negative feelings and start living a happy/productive life.  I'll get there though.  It'll happen soon enough and I'm working on getting to that point in the meantime. 

[IamNotxChristine]

Yea no I never have self hatred or inner transphobia.
Although I have met enough trans to know the hatred some had
For me .
I don't know what your problem is with transgender. But you better
Figure it out  and also I think where you live has a lot to do
With it. America is a very phobic place for anyone  that is not
A wasp lol 
Maybe your mother never told you she loved you enough.
Maybe you worry what others think of you.
Maybe your not really trans.
I love myself immensly. I have gone through a very long recovery
Program for myself. And I have realized at the time my relationship
With myself was sick. And I fixed it

[Ltl89]

Yea no I never have self hatred or inner transphobia.
Although I have met enough trans to know the hatred some had
For me .
I don't know what your problem is with transgender. But you better
Figure it out  and also I think where you live has a lot to do
With it. America is a very phobic place for anyone  that is not
A wasp lol 
Maybe your mother never told you she loved you enough.
Maybe you worry what others think of you.
Maybe your not really trans.
I love myself immensly. I have gone through a very long recovery
Program for myself. And I have realized at the time my relationship
With myself was sick. And I fixed it

The worry what others think of me is what would do it.  Though anyone here that knows me probably thinks I have a lot of mother issues which may or may not be true.  It's not so much a problem being transgender as much as it is that I feel like everyone hates us; however, I understand that is likely an irrational feeling that I need to overcome. 

[Riavalon]

There will always be arrogant, bigoted people everywhere in the world. Whether you are trans or not. I'm sure everyone goes through a phase where they hate something or other about themselves. Being trans hardly defines who a person is though. There simply isn't enough information out there for people to come to understand trans people and their issues. So I personally take immense pride in being who I am, and I don't care who knows it. I'm happy to be different. As it's been mentioned before, being trans teaches you so much and strengthens you in a way nothing else could.

Sure people could hate me for who I am. They can be disgusted by me. They can be horrified at the very idea of me. But that matters so little at the end of the day. And hey, it helps filter out the worthless people from the good ones. You should be proud of everything that makes you different. Challenging the norm is good.

[Sephirah]

There has already been a lot of very wise things said in this thread, so I'll keep this short and just offer you something to think about.

After reading a lot of your posts, and getting to know you somewhat through them, and the feelings I get from you, I'm starting to come to the conclusion that these things you think are irrational fears... well, I'm not sure they're irrational. And that's what makes them so hard to get over. Furthermore, I'm not so sure it's entirely to do with the title of the thread, either, but has its roots in something else. A very old defense mechanism. And that may be why you're struggling with it so much - because you're looking in the wrong place.

Usually I prefer to ask questions but in this case I'm going to go out on a limb and tell you what I think, in the hopes it provides you some food for thought.

In the past you've had to deal with a lot of repercussions from what people think of you. A lot of them negative. And painful - maybe physically, mentally, or both. And almost all of them based on things you had no control over. Things that just were there, in the minds of others who were so insecure within themselves that they felt the need to punish someone. In this case - you. And that took root somewhere deep in your subconscious. The idea that what people think of you will lead to really bad things happening. So you have to work extra hard to prove yourself, or to hide yourself, or to get people's respect and validation. Not so they will like you, but so that they won't hurt you, and cause you pain.

It's a defense mechanism employed by your mind to protect yourself from harm. And in this case, it is not irrational. But it is outdated, as many defense mechanisms are. The mind doesn't grow up, as it were, it remains largely timeless, and once it lays down a thought pattern, it tends to stick to that thought pattern until something, or someone changes it.

I think this is something you might have to look at, sweetie, to make some forward progress. Self esteem is a part, but it's not the whole story. And I don't think confidence alone will do the trick. I think you have to change the thought patterns you've built up which equate people's views of you equalling putting you under duress. Break down that defense mechanism and replace it with something else.

[stephaniec]

There has already been a lot of very wise things said in this thread, so I'll keep this short and just offer you something to think about.

After reading a lot of your posts, and getting to know you somewhat through them, and the feelings I get from you, I'm starting to come to the conclusion that these things you think are irrational fears... well, I'm not sure they're irrational. And that's what makes them so hard to get over. Furthermore, I'm not so sure it's entirely to do with the title of the thread, either, but has its roots in something else. A very old defense mechanism. And that may be why you're struggling with it so much - because you're looking in the wrong place.

Usually I prefer to ask questions but in this case I'm going to go out on a limb and tell you what I think, in the hopes it provides you some food for thought.

In the past you've had to deal with a lot of repercussions from what people think of you. A lot of them negative. And painful - maybe physically, mentally, or both. And almost all of them based on things you had no control over. Things that just were there, in the minds of others who were so insecure within themselves that they felt the need to punish someone. In this case - you. And that took root somewhere deep in your subconscious. The idea that what people think of you will lead to really bad things happening. So you have to work extra hard to prove yourself, or to hide yourself, or to get people's respect and validation. Not so they will like you, but so that they won't hurt you, and cause you pain.

It's a defense mechanism employed by your mind to protect yourself from harm. And in this case, it is not irrational. But it is outdated, as many defense mechanisms are. The mind doesn't grow up, as it were, it remains largely timeless, and once it lays down a thought pattern, it tends to stick to that thought pattern until something, or someone changes it.

I think this is something you might have to look at, sweetie, to make some forward progress. Self esteem is a part, but it's not the whole story. And I don't think confidence alone will do the trick. I think you have to change the thought patterns you've built up which equate people's views of you equalling putting you under duress. Break down that defense mechanism and replace it with something else.

very well said

[Ltl89]

There has already been a lot of very wise things said in this thread, so I'll keep this short and just offer you something to think about.

After reading a lot of your posts, and getting to know you somewhat through them, and the feelings I get from you, I'm starting to come to the conclusion that these things you think are irrational fears... well, I'm not sure they're irrational. And that's what makes them so hard to get over. Furthermore, I'm not so sure it's entirely to do with the title of the thread, either, but has its roots in something else. A very old defense mechanism. And that may be why you're struggling with it so much - because you're looking in the wrong place.

Usually I prefer to ask questions but in this case I'm going to go out on a limb and tell you what I think, in the hopes it provides you some food for thought.

In the past you've had to deal with a lot of repercussions from what people think of you. A lot of them negative. And painful - maybe physically, mentally, or both. And almost all of them based on things you had no control over. Things that just were there, in the minds of others who were so insecure within themselves that they felt the need to punish someone. In this case - you. And that took root somewhere deep in your subconscious. The idea that what people think of you will lead to really bad things happening. So you have to work extra hard to prove yourself, or to hide yourself, or to get people's respect and validation. Not so they will like you, but so that they won't hurt you, and cause you pain.

It's a defense mechanism employed by your mind to protect yourself from harm. And in this case, it is not irrational. But it is outdated, as many defense mechanisms are. The mind doesn't grow up, as it were, it remains largely timeless, and once it lays down a thought pattern, it tends to stick to that thought pattern until something, or someone changes it.

I think this is something you might have to look at, sweetie, to make some forward progress. Self esteem is a part, but it's not the whole story. And I don't think confidence alone will do the trick. I think you have to change the thought patterns you've built up which equate people's views of you equalling putting you under duress. Break down that defense mechanism and replace it with something else.

There is a lot of truth in what you say.  It's not so much that I feel shame in being transgender, it's more I feel ashamed because people are going to think terrible things about me or cause me pain which hurts. Since I require approval and validation in order to protect myself, it hits me hard and makes me feel terrible when it doesn't happen.  And yes, this thought pattern goes way beyond me just being trans.  I don't know why, but what people think about me is more important than my own feelings and needs.  They get sidelined in the process.  I really wish I knew how to overcome this, I do, yet I've seem to have made no progress in this area.  I've considered picking up a second therapist because as much as I love my current one we usually talk about gender stuff.  It's important to me, of course, but it isn't the full story to my shattered self image.  Although, I think she's been picking up on that and steering me to the self esteem angle, so maybe I'll improve soon.  Who knows. 

[Sephirah]

I don't know why, but what people think about me is more important than my own feelings and needs.  They get sidelined in the process.  I really wish I knew how to overcome this, I do, yet I've seem to have made no progress in this area. 

It's a control issue, sweetie. Pure and simple. See the thing is, if people hurt you because of what they think about you, then they have control over you. They dictate what you feel, what you will and won't do, and how you think. And I think that, at times in your past, you've felt powerless to do anything about it. Helpless. Like there was nothing you could do and the way you were treated was dictated by how other people viewed you.

You've mentioned in previous posts that you were bullied a lot for being... different to those around you. This is a good example. In such encounters the bullies have the control. The power. And you felt helpless to do anything about it. What they thought about you was, to your mind, the reason for it. And I suspect you internalised a lot of that, and blamed yourself for it.

"If I was normal, they would have left me alone." or "If they liked me, they wouldn't have done it."

Both lead to the same defense mechanisms. You feel like you have to fit in. Totally. To blend seamlessly and give no one any reason to think anything. And the other defense mechanism of needing to be liked, needing to avoid any situation where someone feels less than admiration for you.

The first step to changing this is to understand that that isn't the case. And no matter what you try to do with regard to affecting people's views of you... ultimately it's how they feel about themselves and their world which go a long way to determining how they treat others.

If I could make a suggestion, sweetie. As well as working on your self esteem (which is never a bad thing)... maybe look into getting some assertiveness training. Assertiveness doesn't mean bossing everyone around and being generally an overbearing person. It means working out what your own boundaries are, and being able to communicate that to the point where others know where they are, and respect them. The two often go hand in hand, since it does take a certain degree of self-belief and self-confidence to be able to do that. But it most definitely is something which can be addressed and dealt with.

What you need to do is learn to take some of the control of yourself and your feelings back from everyone else. Back into your own hands. Then, when you can do that, things have a habit of falling into place. You've given other people control over how they make you feel for far too long, hon. Understandably by being in a position where you felt you couldn't fight back, or didn't see yourself as that kind of person. But as you grow into a beautiful young adult, there are ways of fighting back beyond squaring off to someone and bloodying their nose, or whatever the case may be. Learning about yourself, learning what you want, what you deserve... really learning to live.

You've worked so hard to get to where you are, and you are more than capable of taking the credit for it.

Sweetie, self-image usually gets shattered when it is others who are throwing the stones. You don't have to give them that power over you.

[ana]

It's a control issue, sweetie. Pure and simple. See the thing is, if people hurt you because of what they think about you, then they have control over you. They dictate what you feel, what you will and won't do, and how you think. And I think that, at times in your past, you've felt powerless to do anything about it. Helpless. Like there was nothing you could do and the way you were treated was dictated by how other people viewed you.

You've mentioned in previous posts that you were bullied a lot for being... different to those around you. This is a good example. In such encounters the bullies have the control. The power. And you felt helpless to do anything about it. What they thought about you was, to your mind, the reason for it. And I suspect you internalised a lot of that, and blamed yourself for it.

"If I was normal, they would have left me alone." or "If they liked me, they wouldn't have done it."

Both lead to the same defense mechanisms. You feel like you have to fit in. Totally. To blend seamlessly and give no one any reason to think anything. And the other defense mechanism of needing to be liked, needing to avoid any situation where someone feels less than admiration for you.

The first step to changing this is to understand that that isn't the case. And no matter what you try to do with regard to affecting people's views of you... ultimately it's how they feel about themselves and their world which go a long way to determining how they treat others.

If I could make a suggestion, sweetie. As well as working on your self esteem (which is never a bad thing)... maybe look into getting some assertiveness training. Assertiveness doesn't mean bossing everyone around and being generally an overbearing person. It means working out what your own boundaries are, and being able to communicate that to the point where others know where they are, and respect them. The two often go hand in hand, since it does take a certain degree of self-belief and self-confidence to be able to do that. But it most definitely is something which can be addressed and dealt with.

What you need to do is learn to take some of the control of yourself and your feelings back from everyone else. Back into your own hands. Then, when you can do that, things have a habit of falling into place. You've given other people control over how they make you feel for far too long, hon. Understandably by being in a position where you felt you couldn't fight back, or didn't see yourself as that kind of person. But as you grow into a beautiful young adult, there are ways of fighting back beyond squaring off to someone and bloodying their nose, or whatever the case may be. Learning about yourself, learning what you want, what you deserve... really learning to live.

You've worked so hard to get to where you are, and you are more than capable of taking the credit for it.

Sweetie, self-image usually gets shattered when it is others who are throwing the stones. You don't have to give them that power over you.

First I have to say I absolutely love your name Sephirah.

Gosh, while I was reading this passage it felt like it could  apply to me as well. I was bullied growing up and can totally see elements of control in play which caused me to hide my whole life. I would hate to have this happen to LTL. 

I think you are absolutely right about assertiveness training. Probably something we can all use more of. I know I can. This was extremely insightful.

[Ltl89]

It's a control issue, sweetie. Pure and simple. See the thing is, if people hurt you because of what they think about you, then they have control over you. They dictate what you feel, what you will and won't do, and how you think. And I think that, at times in your past, you've felt powerless to do anything about it. Helpless. Like there was nothing you could do and the way you were treated was dictated by how other people viewed you.

You've mentioned in previous posts that you were bullied a lot for being... different to those around you. This is a good example. In such encounters the bullies have the control. The power. And you felt helpless to do anything about it. What they thought about you was, to your mind, the reason for it. And I suspect you internalised a lot of that, and blamed yourself for it.

"If I was normal, they would have left me alone." or "If they liked me, they wouldn't have done it."

Both lead to the same defense mechanisms. You feel like you have to fit in. Totally. To blend seamlessly and give no one any reason to think anything. And the other defense mechanism of needing to be liked, needing to avoid any situation where someone feels less than admiration for you.

The first step to changing this is to understand that that isn't the case. And no matter what you try to do with regard to affecting people's views of you... ultimately it's how they feel about themselves and their world which go a long way to determining how they treat others.

If I could make a suggestion, sweetie. As well as working on your self esteem (which is never a bad thing)... maybe look into getting some assertiveness training. Assertiveness doesn't mean bossing everyone around and being generally an overbearing person. It means working out what your own boundaries are, and being able to communicate that to the point where others know where they are, and respect them. The two often go hand in hand, since it does take a certain degree of self-belief and self-confidence to be able to do that. But it most definitely is something which can be addressed and dealt with.

What you need to do is learn to take some of the control of yourself and your feelings back from everyone else. Back into your own hands. Then, when you can do that, things have a habit of falling into place. You've given other people control over how they make you feel for far too long, hon. Understandably by being in a position where you felt you couldn't fight back, or didn't see yourself as that kind of person. But as you grow into a beautiful young adult, there are ways of fighting back beyond squaring off to someone and bloodying their nose, or whatever the case may be. Learning about yourself, learning what you want, what you deserve... really learning to live.

You've worked so hard to get to where you are, and you are more than capable of taking the credit for it.

Sweetie, self-image usually gets shattered when it is others who are throwing the stones. You don't have to give them that power over you.

My college mentor, who in a way was like a second mother to me, once remarked that I needed to learn to be more assertive.  There is probably a lot of truth in that.  I just don't know how to stand up.  I'm usually the sort of person who is very quiet and very aware of the fact that every step I take could lead to me being judged.  That judgement has at times led to both physical and emotional pain.  That's why I'm so cautious.  Though that's also why I never really experienced a lot of the things I've wanted to.  Why I missed out on so much and feel stuck.  I'm afraid to take the steps to getting what I want and acting assertively in any sense.  I'm very laid back and like to hope things will fall into place because I don't feel I have the ability to reach out and go for it.  And whenever I do, it seems to back fire, so I usually just shrug my shoulders and say, what's the point.  I do feel helpless, but I don't know if I can "take the power back".  I don't think I'm capable of ever defining the world around me.  Even when I work real hard, believe in mysef, and try to make something the way I want, I totally fail, so it's like what's the point.  I've worked real hard in college to make a name for myself and worked my ass off in every job I've ever been in, where has it gotten me? Nowhere.  There is very little I can do to make the world or my life what I want it to be.  I can try hard, give my all, have some temp successes, and dream, but can I really define my own world or suceed in making life what I want it to be?  I don't think I can.  As much as I wish my life and feelings were in my hands, in a way, I fear it will always be in the hands of others.  How other people take me or judge me or my performance will always be the answer to how things go. That's why I'm so hesistant with going forward too early with full time.  If everything isn't just right and perfect, then people won't percieve me as passing.  That's going to lead to judgement/mockery and that will create pain and failure for me (maybe even worse).  I'm not strong enough for that. And out of all the failures in my life, I can't have my transition be one of them.  I NEED to do this.  I'm in so much pain not being myself, expressing who I am, and living the life I want.  If this fails, I die with it.  I'm sick of not living, yet I can't live.  It's a continuous chain that I don't know how to break.

Sorry for rambling.  There is a lot of truth in what you say.  I just don't know how to take that power back and make my life "fall into place".  I really wish I did, but I don't seem to know what it is I'm supposed to do to overcome these things. 

[Sephirah]

My college mentor, who in a way was like a second mother to me, once remarked that I needed to learn to be more assertive.  There is probably a lot of truth in that.  I just don't know how to stand up.  I'm usually the sort of person who is very quiet and very aware of the fact that every step I take could lead to me being judged.  That judgement has at times led to both physical and emotional pain.  That's why I'm so cautious.  Though that's also why I never really experienced a lot of the things I've wanted to.  Why I missed out on so much and feel stuck.  I'm afraid to take the steps to getting what I want and acting assertively in any sense.  I'm very laid back and like to hope things will fall into place because I don't feel I have the ability to reach out and go for it.  And whenever I do, it seems to back fire, so I usually just shrug my shoulders and say, what's the point.  I do feel helpless, but I don't know if I can "take the power back".  I don't think I'm capable of ever defining the world around me.  Even when I work real hard, believe in mysef, and try to make something the way I want, I totally fail, so it's like what's the point.  I've worked real hard in college to make a name for myself and worked my ass off in every job I've ever been in, where has it gotten me? Nowhere.  There is very little I can do to make the world or my life what I want it to be.  I can try hard, give my all, have some temp successes, and dream, but can I really define my own world or suceed in making life what I want it to be?  I don't think I can.  As much as I wish my life and feelings were in my hands, in a way, I fear it will always be in the hands of others.  How other people take me or judge me or my performance will always be the answer to how things go. That's why I'm so hesistant with going forward too early with full time.  If everything isn't just right and perfect, then people won't percieve me as passing.  That's going to lead to judgement/mockery and that will create pain and failure for me (maybe even worse).  I'm not strong enough for that. And out of all the failures in my life, I can't have my transition be one of them.  I NEED to do this.  I'm in so much pain not being myself, expressing who I am, and living the life I want.  If this fails, I die with it.  I'm sick of not living, yet I can't live.  It's a continuous chain that I don't know how to break.

Sorry for rambling.  There is a lot of truth in what you say.  I just don't know how to take that power back and make my life "fall into place".  I really wish I did, but I don't seem to know what it is I'm supposed to do to overcome these things. 

First of all, don't apologise, hon. It's good that you're getting all this out. That's one step on the path to working through it.

I've emboldened some of the things that I feel have led you to where you are now. And the things you need to work on. Building up your assertiveness and self-esteem will go some way towards helping you with those. But what I would like you to do is to take a look at the emboldened text and try to work out why you feel that way. What specific examples in your life have led you to believe these things?

By identifying those, and working through them, you can start to isolate thought patterns that don't apply anymore. Things that have changed now from when you originally did the things which led to you feeling that way.

Often, low self-esteem is caused because we cling to the negatives, since they reinforce all the negative things we feel about ourselves. And we overlook the positives entirely. Almost blanking them out because they don't fit the view we have of ourselves.

So the question I have to ask is: can you think of any positive things in your life which don't fit the parts in bold? Write down a list of ten things which you're proud of. Things you did which made you feel good about yourself. Things that no one else had anything to do with, that were all you.

First I have to say I absolutely love your name Sephirah.

Gosh, while I was reading this passage it felt like it could  apply to me as well. I was bullied growing up and can totally see elements of control in play which caused me to hide my whole life. I would hate to have this happen to LTL. 

I think you are absolutely right about assertiveness training. Probably something we can all use more of. I know I can. This was extremely insightful.

*blushes* Thank you, sweetie. I really hope you get to the place you want to be, too. You deserve it and owe it to yourself. *huggles*

[JoanneB]

I certainly have to second a lot of Sephirah's feedback. I think we all cling to bad habits and behavours from our past that once kind of sort of worked. As bad as they were, they provided comfort, safety. Hence hard to let go of. I still often fall into that trap. Reverting I call it. I always repeat this affirmation

I know what doesn't work

Something I can proclaim with absolute certainty after 30 years of intense practice of those bad behaviors. I am still far from being an ascended master, yet I am far from the being hurt child I was just a few short years ago.

[JLT1]

LTL,

I know what it is like to hate what one is while at the same time, being unable to change course.  I know hiding and fretting that people will find out the truth.  I know being alone, never smiling, never playing, never laughing and always acting.  I had a smile that was seldom real and was always looking over my shoulder to see hundreds of imagined shadows laughing, mocking and staring.  That is no life.

Do you recall why you originally started?  Do you remember the pain, the inner hurt?  HRT and progress towards being the real you dulls the pain and so memories sometime dim but to go back will only make the pain worse.  So we go forward and out of nowhere comes a point in time when in near emotional exhaustion and exasperation comes a pitiful cry from a pain wracked soul that they will no longer fear.  And in that cry, strength is born.   

I have traveled, a lot.  There are places where people have hated me because I am white, because I am tall, because I am American or because I don't talk like them.  A person cannot please everyone all the time.  Being trans adds so little to the mix in a world where any little reason is justification for hate. 

Just be yourself.  I have never met you although I would dearly love to do so.  You are kind and caring.  You are thoughtful and smart.  You can be funny and you can be real.  You are amazing. 

Hugs,

Jen

[BunnyBee]

I am glad you used the phrase "inner transphobia" because that tells me you probably do have a sense of what is really going on here.  Because, to me, this looks a lot like you hurling insults at yourself from the 3rd person.  This "they" you speak of is probably a projection of your own feelings about this one aspect of yourself which you have not yet learned to embrace.  The insults are yet another projection, of your insecurities, which is what insults are--projections of insecurity.

Most people in the outside world do not view us the way you say, I mean not really.  Especially within your peer group.  Young people mostly don't care, and old people are coming around slowly, and the ones that will always hold onto their hatred won't be here forever.  They are old, after all...  There is a lot to be optimistic about for trans people these days, something that was unimaginable a couple decades ago.

There may still be some people that act awful out there, but they will be in the minority, and just remember everybody is a mirror, people look at you and see a reflection of themselves.  When they hate what they see, it's because they see in you things that remind them of what they hate about themselves.  I think insults are sad for the people that dole them out, because it is evidence of their own self loathing.  That is how I look at them anyway, and I think that helps me take back the control that Sephirah was talking about.

Until you figure out how to embrace being trans, and own it, you won't be able to love yourself, and that will always hold you back.  And by embrace it I do not mean that you need to be out and proud or see yourself as anything other than a normal woman, I just mean be okay with who you are and where you come from.  Maybe even be secretly proud of it.  I don't know exactly how you get there.  I hope you can figure it out though.

[PurpleAmy]

I think Sephirah is right to think of protective mechanisms, and certainly that you need to learn, somehow, to be more assertive of who you are. When I learned to work around my feelings instead of accepting them, I succeeded only in creating an unseen deadlock internally, because feelings don't change for threats or for rationalizations. Perhaps that is why you feel stuck, vulnerable, powerless. A wise friend once said to me, "You think too much." The meaning of that to me has only deepened with time. All of the rationalizing, storying telling and explaining doesn't get to the heart of the matter. It's not lack of strength that will hold you back, but lack of courage to accept yourself, no matter what that entails. The strength comes slowly, when you have the courage to build on the true foundations of who you are.

There is no good alternative to accepting yourself, including all of the feelings. Learn to listen, accept, and gently understand the feelings, to respect them and give them what they need to heal and grow toward the best of yourself, whatever you find that to be. Practice recognizing the feelings and thoughts that build you up and those the rip you apart. Grow the first and heal the second. You accept yourself in your own way, that might be bold, or shy, or mysterious, or something else; only you can know what is right for you at any moment.

Don't get caught up in the metrics and science and facts. My therapist pointed out to me that trans* is poorly understood by everyone, even those who've been working exclusively with transfolk for many many years. There is so much that is not understood about trans*; that's just the state of the world I live in. All of this fear and doubt I'd internalized wasn't about me personally - it was about the human race grappling with understanding something that I was a part of. That was a tremendous release for me, it helped me give myself permission to stop trying to make sense of all that tension, and move on to accepting myself and my feelings. It also moved my attention from doubting myself to helping grow understanding in the world, so that we can all have healthier lives.

Everyone is affected by things we don't choose about ourselves, every day, and yes, sometimes it's terribly hard to bear. Being trans adds an unusual dimension to that. You will have to choose when to show how you feel and trust people to understand, and when to keep some distance. Almost everyone has terribly sensitive spots, yours may be less common, but you have the same choices, the same hope and fears in that as everyone who's ever been deeply hurt. And we've almost all been deeply hurt - we grew up in a world that categorically denied and disbelieved core parts of who we are, even if no one took aim at us when they said and did those things.

We all must learn to respect our own physical and emotional needs and build lives that do the same. Everything is on the line and there is no alternative. This is true for us and far too many cis people as well. It gets easier every day, but that's a distraction, because we don't get to choose when we live, only whether we live and live truthfully to ourselves. Some have felt the world wasn't ready for them for many years; that's not right or wrong, it's just sad that they felt (likely justifiably) that they had to bear that. People respond very strongly to confidence (or lack thereof) in others, and it is very good to have this in your back pocket for times when you are truly in danger, but you do need to put it away and try to be yourself wherever and whenever you can, and let the a**holes out themselves so you know who isn't your friend.

I too transitioned young (21). I met little resistance from others along the way. (I owe so much to those who came before me.) I went on with my life long before I started accepting my feelings. All of the fears I kept bottled up long past transition, all of the time I spent believing I got a choice in my feelings just caused more pain for myself and those around me. And in the end, I am still who I am, an XY assigned male at birth who is happiest and healthiest IDing female, and nothing I thought or did ever changed that, never could, because feelings aren't negotiable, they just are. Trying to be someone is pointless; there is only true growth in actualizing who I already am.

I thought I might have a social anxiety disorder, yet when I went to a trans* conference and found but a scant a trace of that fear, and what was left, I could feel and understand. I had an immense amount of emotion that I'd learned to keep bottled up, and I hadn't learned to stop. Safe space helped me lower those defenses. Learning to accept being a feeling person, to rebuilding my life so that it respects my emotional needs, is a wonderful and overdue experience. If that's where you are, don't hold it back; there's a whole dimension of yourself waiting to be unfolded from the place where you've tucked it away through the storms.

[Ltl89]

Thanks again everyone for all of your positive and helpful posts!   Sorry I've taken a long time to respond to everything.   It's just a little much to take sometimes because of the emotional gravity of everything.  Sometimes I need to clear my head and get away from my fears.  And sometimes I feel stupid to be whining.  In all reality, there is much for me to be grateful for and I've lucked out in many ways.  I always talk about how life isn't black and white because I don't like to see things in absolutes.  Life can be both amazing and horrible.  In my case,  I've been blessed in many ways in my life and everyday I count my blessings.  My hardships shouldn't taint my entire perception of life and I'm careful to get away from those bad thoughts.  Still, I do have a dark side, if you will, or hardships in my life that I'd like to fix.  I hope that doesn't make me sound totally emo, but I want to grow as a person and right the wrongs. 

@Jen, thank you for your words.  You always know what to say.  You know, I've really got to stop assuming the worse.  While it's true that people out there don't like us, it's probably much smaller than what I'm making it.  I just can't help but read transphobic comments on the internet and assume everyone is going to think that or dislike me if they know.  Silly perhaps, but I need to grow a thicker skin and learn to not be so sensitive and assume the worst all the time.  I guess experience creates wisdom and given the fact that I'm still early in this I shouldn't assume what everything will be. It's funny but I think my therapist is right that I let my family's rejection and disproval created this false aura that no one will accept me and that all their omens will come true.  Oddly enough, most of the people that know are either really supportive or could care less.  No one has really been shocked or angry.  I guess the more my support system grows the better off I'll be.

@JLT1, thank you.  You've always looked out for me on this site, and it's really appreciated.  I don't believe I am or feel amazing, but it does feel nice to hear someone say that.  You're very sweet.  And thanks for brining up the fact that I have come far.  Sometimes I forget it. 

@PurpleAmy, thanks.  In the end, you are right that there is no alternative to accepting ourselves.  I'm just so used to repressing my feelings and trying to meet other peoples standards or expectations.  Trying to meet my own and be myself is really hard.  Yet, it's what I have to do.  Thanks for the message, it was very helpful. 

First of all, don't apologise, hon. It's good that you're getting all this out. That's one step on the path to working through it.

I've emboldened some of the things that I feel have led you to where you are now. And the things you need to work on. Building up your assertiveness and self-esteem will go some way towards helping you with those. But what I would like you to do is to take a look at the emboldened text and try to work out why you feel that way. What specific examples in your life have led you to believe these things?

By identifying those, and working through them, you can start to isolate thought patterns that don't apply anymore. Things that have changed now from when you originally did the things which led to you feeling that way.

Often, low self-esteem is caused because we cling to the negatives, since they reinforce all the negative things we feel about ourselves. And we overlook the positives entirely. Almost blanking them out because they don't fit the view we have of ourselves.

So the question I have to ask is: can you think of any positive things in your life which don't fit the parts in bold? Write down a list of ten things which you're proud of. Things you did which made you feel good about yourself. Things that no one else had anything to do with, that were all you.

*blushes* Thank you, sweetie. I really hope you get to the place you want to be, too. You deserve it and owe it to yourself. *huggles*

First of all, don't apologise, hon. It's good that you're getting all this out. That's one step on the path to working through it.

I've emboldened some of the things that I feel have led you to where you are now. And the things you need to work on. Building up your assertiveness and self-esteem will go some way towards helping you with those. But what I would like you to do is to take a look at the emboldened text and try to work out why you feel that way. What specific examples in your life have led you to believe these things?

By identifying those, and working through them, you can start to isolate thought patterns that don't apply anymore. Things that have changed now from when you originally did the things which led to you feeling that way.

Often, low self-esteem is caused because we cling to the negatives, since they reinforce all the negative things we feel about ourselves. And we overlook the positives entirely. Almost blanking them out because they don't fit the view we have of ourselves.

So the question I have to ask is: can you think of any positive things in your life which don't fit the parts in bold? Write down a list of ten things which you're proud of. Things you did which made you feel good about yourself. Things that no one else had anything to do with, that were all you.

*blushes* Thank you, sweetie. I really hope you get to the place you want to be, too. You deserve it and owe it to yourself. *huggles*

You always have such great insight Seph, and I'm very appreciative to have your input.  It helps and makes me think more than you may know. Because I appreciate the thought you always put into your words, I wanted to make sure I gave you an adequate response by giving your post some deep consideration; however, it awoke some painful emotions and left me a bit confused on what the complete source of it is.  To be honest, there are many things that could have created this thought pattern or contributed to it, though I must confess I really don't understand why I am the way I am.  If I had to take a shot in the dark, I would say the following things contributed to it:  bullying, difficulties in social environments and inability to connect with others,  family issues, having very controlling and abusive people make their mark on my early/formative years, inability to find decent employment , etc. I really feel like things begin with my family in some ways and have thoughts on specifics things that really left a mark on me.  Some of the things you suggested really hit closer than you may have guessed and seem to really explain why this pattern may have developed, but I don't want to blame or hurt anyone, especially, when it refers to people I love who and don't really deserve me saying anything bad.   And I'm scared to let certain things about my family out in the event that they might see it and it will create embarrassment and start up drama.   It would betray other people's privacy too which isn't right.  Beside, if some things had a negative impact, there is a lot of great things about my family and don't want to hurt anyone.  Plus,  I don't have an answer and probably am not the best person to interpret me and my life.  You know, conflict of interest and biases  In any case, I don't think it's one thing.  It was a pattern of events and occurrences that led to me thinking this way.  And honestly, things always play out the way I said above, so I don't really know if this is just a defense mechanism more than it is the reality of how things are in my life and something I need to submit to. Still, I do think you are right this isn't so much about me being trans and more about me fearing negative judgement or perception of me creating harmful consequences which explains me in a big way.   Maybe I really need to start addressing these things with another therapist.  I do love the one I see, but I think I should see somebody in addition to a gender therapist.  If I can solve the other issues, my gender issues will become easier to deal with.  Yet, I still have issues with gender that make other aspects difficult to handle, so it's not like ignoring them in favor of something else would help either.  Both need to be dealt with. 

As for the ten accomplishments, I'll share what I can, but I don't really have any major achievements outside of school, so expect a sad list.

Being inducted into multiple honor societies, proudest being Phi Beta Kappa

Winning a couple of academic awards that I worked hard to earn along with always making the deans list.

Successfully defended an honors thesis which allowed me to graduate with departmental honors as well as Summa Cum Laude. 

My whole life I've been afraid of flying, still am, but I faced my fear and traveled on a long international flight to overcome it.  I mean, I'm still afraid of flying, but at least I met my fear.  So, I sort of see that as an accomplishment.  And hey, I recently taxied around in my friends plane though there was no chance in hell that I would go up with her, lol.  It's an improvement.

I was trusted with running an important GOTV project for a campaign that I worked for.  It went really well and increased voter turnout much beyond initial expectations.  During that campaign, I gave my everything and experienced so much with my team that election day was one of the greatest moments of my life.   

Coming out and starting my transition.  This may sound silly but coming out to my family was a huge accomplishment for me.  This is something I've been terrified about forever, and I can't even tell you how hard it was for me to face.  All the denial and pain involved turned me into a miserable person.  Most of the time I felt like I was dying on the inside yet at the same time  thought I was better off dead than actually facing my fear.   The fact that I finally overcame it and let it out to my family was really big.    The fact that I'm actually doing something about this is a huge deal for me.  I give myself a lot of grief, but I am quite proud to have had the strength to take this on at a younger age.

I used to do very damaging things to my body to cope with depression, anxiety and dysphoria.  I got over those things on my own and am now living a healthy life.  I'm proud of that.

When I was a kid, I used to write music and poetry during school.  I would spend all day writing something that came to mind whether it be music or words.  Most of writing is lousy and I'll never share my creative stuff with others, but I am proud of the output I once had.  Sometimes I read some of the songs or poems and it makes me smile to remember where I came from.

Well, this might be a silly one, but learning to play some pieces on guitar has always made me feel accomplished in some way.  It takes so much time and effort, but it's rewarding when you can finally play something flawlessy (or close enough). 

Okay, another silly one.  When I was a kid beating a tough video game was always rewarding.  As you may know, my sister and I were obsessed with final fantasy 8 and it took us forever to beat it. I'll never forget us sitting there watching the ending in shock as we finally beat a game that took both of us at least 4 years to beat.  That was an amazing day for the both of us. Hey, it's funny but it was very rewarding to me. 

Yeah, the last few suck, but I really can't complete a list of 10.  Other than some of those things, I really don't feel I have "accomplishments".  There are things that I am proud of or things that I experienced that many other never will, but the word accomplishment seems weird for me.   

[stephaniec]

It seems you've done a lot to be proud of. One thing I will say though is that your family seems to have an excessive amount of power over your self image. I personally have no family so I'm totally unaffected by any others thoughts of who I am.

[Sephirah]

First of all, I could give you a big hug for really taking the time to sit down and reflect on yourself. Sweetie, wanting to understand the problems are the second step towards overcoming them. The first being identifying them.

I'm not going to go into any great detail about what it all means, because as you say, it is something that's probably best done on a face to face basis with someone who can work with you on a more personal level. What I will say, though, is I am sorry, but not surprised, that you got in touch with some painful emotions when you were thinking about this. They are a big cause of the defences we erect around ourselves. Physical bruises fade, but mental ones sometimes don't, until we examine them and allow the healing process to begin. The conscious mind is good at sticking painful situations in the "I don't want to deal with this" box, somewhere in a dusty backroom of our psyche, where it hopes we will forget about it. But then that wizened old janitor of our subconscious comes along and is all "oh, what's this? I know, I'll take this down into the deeper levels and keep it safe."

That's why we sometimes feel certain ways and act certain ways, without knowing why. Because some things may seem gone, but they're usually not forgotten. Not on an emotional level.

You said something, though, which is very important. A pattern of events and occurrences which led to you feeling that way. That's the key, hon. Because just as events and occurrences can lead to you thinking negative things, they can also lead to you thinking positive ones too. You just have to look for those glimmers of light in the darkness.

That's why I asked you to name 10 things. And honestly, those things you've mentioned show to me that you do, in fact, have the qualities you didn't think you did in the previous post, the parts I emboldened. Look at both of them and notice the way you feel, but then at what you accomplished and how that equates to the way you feel.

You said you were afraid, and that you didn't feel able to reach out and go for it. Sweetie, several of the things you mentioned involved you doing just that. And with great success. Which shows me that you do have that ability and, while you may feel fear, you have the ability to not let it rule you.

You said you felt it would always be in the hands of others, and how people judge you or perceive you... but again look at those accomplishments. Others trusted you, others believed in you, and thought you would make something successful... and sweetie, you did. That shows you have the ability, and the presence of mind.

Those are only two examples. I could go on and on but I think you can do the same, sweetie. Look at those accomplishments. NONE of them are silly, or anything like that. They are all overcoming personal barriers, doing things you didn't think you could. Look at what you wrote that you did, things that made you feel proud, made you feel capable. And then look back at the other post above it and see how much or little of the emboldened text is actually the case. I think you will find it's not as much as you thought hon.

And that's really a good thing to do to also work past this. Take some time to think about the positives. The things that, more often than not, you overlook as everything else seems designed to reinforce the negative self-talk you have.

They are out there, as you've proved. You are far more capable, determined, and courageous than you give yourself credit for, sweetie. You just need the time to see that. *big hugs*

[Miranda Catherine]

LTL,

I don't know how much people hate us, but before I transitioned nobody on this planet could have hated me worse than I hated myself. Nobody but me tried to kill me, not once, but three times. My only real source of self anger now is "WHY DIDN'T I TRANSITION THIRTY YEARS AGO?!?!?!?!" If I did I wouldn't have had 13 knee surgeries, or broken 41 bones from trying to prove to everyone I was male. I never had ANY illusions, that's why I didn't understand why I couldn't pull the plug on my male impersonation till I was honest with myself about the main and nearly only reason. I've been a 'born again' Christian since I was 22, and although I still believe, I choose to not believe in a God of hatred and anger anymore. I've believed for the first time during the last thirty months that God loves me just as much as He loves anyone. I was truly born with a birth defect and I think every TS/TG is born, not made. Whether this was nature or God, I no longer care, but I was made this way in my mother's womb, and I know that scientifically. I had a brain MRI in 2005 and the doctor told me I have a female brain. I laughed and acted like it was a joke, but he said, "no really, you have the brain the size and symmetry of a woman's." And it all made even more sense. Still, I couldn't accept myself yet. But my story really doesn't matter, you are transgendered and the path you've taken to get here is irrelevant. You've taken the red pill and there's no going back. I only wish I would have done this at 25, instead of 57! Consider yourself lucky, you have infinitely more acceptance than when us baby boomers were your age. Now we're all not only more accepted, we're protected by law, and after seeing your photo, girl, you have NOTHING to worry about when you finally go full time. I'd say just get a pro to get those eyebrows professionally shaped and play with makeup to become as good at it as you can, and practice makes perfect. If you want to get your nose done, that's up to you, but if you don't you'll still pass. Consider yourself lucky to have done this at 25, don't look at yourself as over the hill, because you're far from it.....besides, what does that make us older ladies, lol?!?! Anyhoo, you'll do fine as soon as you totally accept who you are and what you must do to be happy. God Bless you, Mira

[Ltl89]

LTL,

I don't know how much people hate us, but before I transitioned nobody on this planet could have hated me worse than I hated myself. Nobody but me tried to kill me, not once, but three times. My only real source of self anger now is "WHY DIDN'T I TRANSITION THIRTY YEARS AGO?!?!?!?!" If I did I wouldn't have had 13 knee surgeries, or broken 41 bones from trying to prove to everyone I was male. I never had ANY illusions, that's why I didn't understand why I couldn't pull the plug on my male impersonation till I was honest with myself about the main and nearly only reason. I've been a 'born again' Christian since I was 22, and although I still believe, I choose to not believe in a God of hatred and anger anymore. I've believed for the first time during the last thirty months that God loves me just as much as He loves anyone. I was truly born with a birth defect and I think every TS/TG is born, not made. Whether this was nature or God, I no longer care, but I was made this way in my mother's womb, and I know that scientifically. I had a brain MRI in 2005 and the doctor told me I have a female brain. I laughed and acted like it was a joke, but he said, "no really, you have the brain the size and symmetry of a woman's." And it all made even more sense. Still, I couldn't accept myself yet. But my story really doesn't matter, you are transgendered and the path you've taken to get here is irrelevant. You've taken the red pill and there's no going back. I only wish I would have done this at 25, instead of 57! Consider yourself lucky, you have infinitely more acceptance than when us baby boomers were your age. Now we're all not only more accepted, we're protected by law, and after seeing your photo, girl, you have NOTHING to worry about when you finally go full time. I'd say just get a pro to get those eyebrows professionally shaped and play with makeup to become as good at it as you can, and practice makes perfect. If you want to get your nose done, that's up to you, but if you don't you'll still pass. Consider yourself lucky to have done this at 25, don't look at yourself as over the hill, because you're far from it.....besides, what does that make us older ladies, lol?!?! Anyhoo, you'll do fine as soon as you totally accept who you are and what you must do to be happy. God Bless you, Mira

Thank you Miranda.

I'm no longer feeling self hatred more than I am confused on how to proceed and scared.  To be honest, I have nothing but the upmost respect for those who transitioned at a later stage in their life.  Quite frankly, that could have easily have been me.   I know in the grand scheme of things I'm rather lucky and have much to be thankful for, but it;s still very hard.  I'm just trying very hard to take this all head on and to make sure I go about this the right way.  It's like I'm journeying cross country in a terrible car that's near empty on gas with no money.  I'll get to where I want to be and will find a way to overcome the challenges I face, but at the moment it's all very overwhelming and leaves me confused on how to overcome it all.